What a funny guy!

Yeah, that's God I'm talking about. He really is one funny guy. And I'm sure you're all wondering WHY I say that he's a funny guy. Let me explain: So, Saturday, as you know by now I received a letter by e-mail saying that I had not received the job that I interviewed for. I was kind of upset, but I didn't get terribly upset because I almost knew it was coming. I told myself things to make it okay, like telling myself that this would just be a good time to go back to school since I'm working swing shift. I coaxed myself into being content and spent the next two days at work trying to make myself like it again, trying to come up with ways to make my workplace better (which by the way is mostly lip service, because the problem people NEVER change).
So anyway, this morning (and this is the reason I'm awake at this absurdly normal hour) I received a phone call at 8:45 am. I looked at the phone, I didn't recognized the number (it was from Colorado) and so I didn't answer. When I listened to the message, it turns out that it was someone from the place where I interviewed and asked me to call them back. I called back right away, and they said that they were calling to offer me the job at A DOLLAR MORE PER HOUR that what I had been told, which is more money than I am making now! So naturally, I told them that yes, I would like to accept the job working Monday through Friday 8-4 with holidays and weekends off and MORE MONEY THAN I'M MAKING NOW!
Now comes the hard part. I have to go put in my notice at the Evil K. 9 out of the other 10 people in the store will be happy for me. The one person who matters (my manager) will be very upset and very vicious. She will talk about me behind my back, she will try to talk me out of it, she will accuse me of being selfish and she will not care about any of the reasons why I might be happier at this new job. So, needless to say, I am a little bit nervous about this whole situation. And then, after I put in my notice, I immediately have to ask her for a favor and request to not start until 4pm all of next week plus the following Tuesday and Wednesday. I do not see this ending well and I am terrified that I will be forced to quit without proper notice, which I do not want to do.
If you read this before about noon, please pray that this interaction would go well and that my manager would be receptive to my reasons as well as my request to start an hour later for six of my remaining eleven work days.

Edit: This does not mean that I'm giving up on preparing for a career. I still intend to start taking classes again as soon as possible, and hopefully will be able to get tuition reimbursement this time around!

Changing Directions

I should be sleeping right now, but once again, I find myself awake and restless. I got a rejection letter today in my e-mail for the job that I interviewed for. I knew on Tuesday that I wasn't going to get the job--not because of anything I did or didn't do in the interview and not for lack of qualifications but because it's just another job. I've been feeling for a while that God wants me to have more than just another job. He wants me to have career. The trouble of it is, it's near impossible to find a career with a degree in English. I guess that's what I get for basing my degree on my passion rather than on my gifts.
I have always loved writing. I have always been great at spelling and grammar--my mother had me revising her letters and other documents when I was in second grade. But that is more of an obsession than a gift. Things just bug me if they're not correct. My real strong point all through school was math. It was the ONLY subject I always had an A in (except middle school when I just didn't get A's, period even though I was on the Math Counts team, which was the middle school equivalent of mathletes. Shut up, I know I'm a nerd). But in high school, despite getting A's without ever studying, I chickened out. I had a friend who failed Trig the year I was in Algebra 3/4 and I chickened out. For some reason I had it in my mind that she was smarter than me and so if she couldn't pass Trig, then I shouldn't even bother. Stupid, I know, but confidence has never been my strong point. Even the fact that the college of Engineering at UNR was trying to recruit me indirectly all through high school because of my math scores didn't convince me that I was smart enough to do it. Besides, my passion was writing, and everyone knows that passion should be the most important factor in determining a college major, right? I mean, since I never wanted to be anything but a writer, isn't it only logical that I should ask myself, "What does one do with a passion for writing (and a passion for theatre)?"
Recently, I have begun to realize that our gifts aren't always our passions. It's kind of depressing for me, but it is a reality. For years I've been trying to fight against the fact that no matter how much passion I have for words, numbers come more easily for me. The most recent example of this I can give you is my GRE (Graduate Record Exam). I took the exam when I was thinking of going to Nashville to get a Masters in Creative Writing. I spent three times longer studying for the verbal portion of the exam as I did for the math since that was the area that I needed to score higher in. I had not taken a math class for 7 years prior to the exam. And then my results come back and I scored better in math than I did on the verbal or the writing portion. After being out of practice for 7 years!
This is very difficult to admit, but the tragic reality is that despite my efforts to deny it, writing is not my gift. Yes, it is my passion, my joy and a way for me to relax and unwind, but it is not my gift. This is not to say I am not good at writing, because I hope I am--but I have had to work very hard on it to get to where I am.
So, if you're still here, reading my rambling, you're probably wondering where I'm going with this. I keep trying to find a reason why God would want me to continue working a schedule where I am isolated, but I haven't found one. I've been promised by my manager that it's going to change soon, but part of me knows that it's not. God kind of put a bug in my ear that this might be a time to try to work on a career for myself. So the plan right now is as follows:
1. Finish paying off my last credit card (only about $1000 to go).
2. Save money to start taking classes.
3. Visit UNR Admissions and Records to see what I need to do to start taking classes again.
4. Take Math 128 through Independent Learning as kind of a refresher/brush up/whatever.
5. Take Calculus to see if I can handle it and see where that takes me.
I swear I have not gone crazy. The problem is that I need to find a career that is going to be challenging for me. I get extremely bored and irritated with doing the EXACT same thing EVERY SINGLE DAY. There has to be room to constantly be learning new things. I have reason to believe that this is why God has kept me at the Evil K for so long. Despite all of the really irritating customers who think they should get their stuff for free and the corporate greed that never seems to end, the job itself is actually somewhat enjoyable. Since we offer so many different services, and since the technology is always changing, there is always something new to learn. It never gets stale. My reason for wanting to leave the Evil K could never be because I have nothing left to learn, because that would never happen. All the same, I still REALLY don't like my schedule, but I suppose I might as well take advantage of it and work on some classes. At least then I will actually see other humans during the day.

Waiting

As some of you know because of my last minute e-mail, I had a job interview yesterday. As far as I know, it went pretty well and they said that they will let me know before the end of the week. I was really praying that I would hear today, because they would need me to start on the 26th, which means that if I got the job, I would have to work at both jobs during that week. The sooner they let me know, the less days I would have to do that. So, after the interview experience, I got another reason to leave the Evil K. Last night I worked a 14 hour shift, getting home at 5 am, just fueling my desire to escape there as soon as possible. I am so nervous, because I really don't know how much longer I can handle the Evil K situation. Please pray that I would hear back about the potential new job TODAY. Love you all!

My Useless Degree

After reading through the blogs a few minutes ago, I found myself almost resentful of some people. After three and a half years, my degree is still useless. It makes me bitter. Don't get me wrong. I'm happy for all of the people fortunate enough to be able to use their degrees, to benefit from having spent $20,000 on a college education, but some part of me can't help but ask when will it be my turn.
Right now I'm sorting through jobs, trying to find something that wouldn't involve a serious pay cut, but that would give me a normal schedule. I am so tired of being isolated from everyone because I made a mistake. I know now that I should have never started working swing shift. I know that it was a mistake to take the job because of the money. But how long do I have to be stuck in this? I know that God does not want me to be isolated, and yet here I am, still stuck in a job with a schedule that makes me miserable. Why? I can't figure it out. I just know that I can't deal with anymore nights where I don't get home until 3:30 in the morning. On Thursday night/Friday morning when I called my mom to let her know I was home safe, she was just about to get out of bed to START her day, and mine was just ending. I did receive the opportunity to take an evaluation for a job that I recently applied for. Hopefully I did well and they will be calling me soon for an interview. That is all I can pray for. That is all that will get me through this week at work--the hope that I will soon escape. I know it sounds melodramatic, but I've been too isolated for too long.
The positives of the new job that I'm hoping I get: M-F 8-4 schedule with holidays off. Less expensive insurance with no waiting period. Reimbursement for a gym membership after working there for six months. Overtime is entirely voluntary rather than necessary to doing one's job well. It is still within walking distance of my new apartment. Abundant opportunities for promotion--no chance of topping out soon.
The negatives: It would be a 66 cent per hour pay cut to start. It is a desk job, which I've never worked before, so hopefully I wouldn't be bored. Yeah, that's about it for the negatives.
Please pray that things would start to work out for me soon--that something would change to get me out of this isolation.

Now that I have a working computer again...

I am finally able to give an update of life in the new apartment. I am enjoying having the place to myself and not having to worry about waking someone up if I want a midnight snack. I have been cooking much more and have actually been eating three meals a day, which is something I haven't been doing for quite a while.
Today I had a moment that felt just like my life should be. Mind you, it was just a moment, but it was nice. I walked to the Evil K to print out the fifty pages that I wrote during my vacation a year and a half ago so that I can edit it and make it something usable. After that was done I walked over to Starbucks and bought a coffee and then walked home. As I was walking home I just felt like that represents what I want my life to be. So I don't always feel like my life is what I want it to be, but on a productive day like today, I feel good about my life. I'm hoping that the "loving my life" moments become more frequent this year, because I'm much more productive when I'm content.

Tragic Indifference

I've been attempting to clean and pack, and I found a journal (one of many) that I never completely filled. And I came across a poem that I wrote in March of 2004 that I somewhat recognize as being somewhat relevant, but at the same time, something that I've definitely moved away from over the last couple of years. So here it is in its raw and unrevised form:

Tragic Indifference


What to write, what to say
my thoughts have run dry
I can think of no words,
I've made no time to try.
No time to make my dreams come true
muddling through life with a
tragic indifference--I press on,
just trying to make it through
another bleak and weary day
hoping my life will improve itself
come whatever may.
Just sitting and watching
the minutes, hours and days float by
leaving me behind in a puff of steam,
while I stand alone and stationary
letting my dreams remain dreams.

Pictures as Promised!

So, after quite a delay, I finally have pictures from my brother's wedding, and so I thought I would share a few since I promised I would. So here goes:





Becca and I










The Bridesmaids











Mi Familia









David (the Best Man) and myself








Russ and the Ladies (Apparently my bro is quite popular!)







The Happy Couple at Last!

The Garden

This post is kind of a response to a comment on my recent post entitled "Friendship Revisited". I said that I was feeling it necessary to proceed in this friendship with caution, and I received a comment that I needed to be willing to take risks. I have also have several conversations since then with others during which I expressed a desire to not talk to this particular friend. Nobody seems to quite understand where I am coming from, and I really don't know how to explain it. And then I came across something in the book I've been reading that expresses my feelings perfectly--much better than I could have done on my own. The book is called Revelations of a Single Woman. And in one chapter, the author explains a relationship/friendship much like my own in which her desires are completely different than those of the man involved. And here is the letter that she wrote in response to him when he questioned her for pulling away:

Okay Simon. Please let me explain something. You are right when you sense that I am "pulling back," but I'd like to take a minute to explain. See, Simon, a woman's heart is a lot like a garden. There are, in the garden, public areas. This is where almost anyone can traverse (read: decent colleagues, the kind checker at the grocery store, the rare person on the subway who gives up his or her seat, neighbors who want to borrow a tool, parents of friends, little kids in the park, etc.) Then there is the center of her garden. It's a special place, reserved ultimately for the person who wants to commit to "husband her garden permanently," so to speak. (I know you're into etymology, Simon. I guess you know that the word husband is actually an agricultural term.)
Anyhow, the tricky part, of course, is that there's this in-between place, somewhere between the inner sanctum and the outer ring, and that's where this all gets confusing. Basically, Simon, the folks I let into this more fluid in-between part are some key family members, longtime girlfriends, a few guys I consider brothers, my boss who I know cares for me, and guys who are interested in exploring the idea of entering into that inner sanctum. The problem, Simon, is that once a guy whom I like--and Simon, I have felt chemistry between us--decides he's not particularly interested in long term inner-sanctum husbandry, I can't let him wander all around the middle ground anymore. If I do, then he inevitably crosses lines he doesn't know he's crossing, and I inevitable try to pull him into the center. He can't figure out why I'm all upset (because, afterall, he was honest about his lack of intentions), and I keep hoping I'm going to change him. That, Simon, is a recipe for disaster.
So, brother Simon, that's the scoop. I hope this helps. I do care about you, and I want you in my public areas, so to speak. But in light of everything you've said, for now, that's all I can invite.


Don't get me wrong... This is not to say that I'm giving up entirely. However, this is to say that at this point, all I am prepared to do is sit back and wait, come what may. I am tired of the tug-of-war and now that I know where things stand, I am no longer trying to pull someone into my inner garden who doesn't want to be there, and I am hoping to meet someone, new or old, who is interested in going there...

Where I Reside

I have lived with a very odd collection of people over the last few years. Since permanently moving out of my parents' house, I have had some very interesting roommates. There was the drifting Christian who asked me to lie to her parents if they asked if she was sleeping with her boyfriend. There was the guy who spent 10-14 hours a day on the computer doing whatever it is that gamers do, and only once or twice emerging from his bedroom to share a meal with the rest of us. There was the legalistic Christian who gave away her bed so that she could know the suffering of people without, but then ended up sleeping on the futon in the living room most nights. She was also the the one who tried using the "Daniel Fast" as a long-term diet and claimed to have a wheat allergy, but would eat an entire box of crackers in one sitting. There was a very peaceful time when it was just my brother, his girlfriend (now wife) and I--despite the conflicts in beliefs and lifestyles, that was the easiest living situation up to that point. And the current was a little better than that. Here, I have lived with people who all work at the Evil K. We allow ourselves one small segment of Evil K ranting per week, and after that, all talk turns to other subjects. Some of the bigger challenges here have been the dishes (which are always piling up), ruined cookware (teflon flakes in mac & cheese... Yummy...), the insanely expensive utilities (which don't fully benefit me because the gas heat and A/C do not cover the back part of the house), the mice, ants and spiders (I don't like crawly things), and the fact that our street does not get plowed when it snows and my car does not handle snow well. There has also been the fact that my cat has to stay in the back because the two cats in the house don't get along. I just feel bad that he doesn't ever get to hang in the front where the heat and A/C are.

The point of all of this is that all of these battles are about to end. No more washing dishes that have already been "washed", no more mice, no more freezing/melting, no more driving/sliding to work in the snow. As long as I'm approved, I will be moving into my own apartment, by myself, on January 12. My cat will have free reign over the place and any dishes left in the sink will be mine. And I will pay half as much for utilities that will actually heat/cool my room! Oh yeah, and I'll be able to walk to work rain, snow or shine! This will be a very good way to start the new year...

Friendship Revisited.

I just had a conversation with a friend whom I haven't spoken to, as friends, for over a year. I got what I was waiting for from this friend at long last, though not necessarily what I wanted. I am grateful to have this friendship back because of the timing--because I've been praying for a friend who would be available to me when I get off work. I am grateful to have back the things that I missed, the easy and comfortable conversations, the way we understand one another, and so on. I am also glad to have an added layer in this friendship, being a layer of openness that wasn't there before, which is what I wanted most of all. At the same time, I am aware that I need to be cautious. Please pray that I will continue to let Jesus alone be my source of joy and that I would not allow myself to depend on others for this.