No Big Deal

As my 30th birthday approaches, I am receiving a lot of solicited and unsolicited advice from well-meaning friends, family and co-workers. The only ones who are offering no advice are the ones who most relate and understand to how I'm feeling. Most people seem to think that it's unnatural for me to NOT be excited by this birthday or that I'm making a big deal about nothing. And they're probably right. I probably should be excited and I probably shouldn't be thinking that I'll be depressed. But the reality is I know myself-- this is another landmark birthday that will be passing with my dreams still floating in the distance unfulfilled, and I don't tend to deal with that sort of thing very well. I want to be excited. I'm trying to make the experience as fun-filled and pain free as I possibly can. I'm trying to plan activities and vacations so that I will not have time to isolate myself or hole myself up in my apartment.
I really don' have much more to say than that, right now. I am excited about the things I have coming up-- I'm excited about quite a few things in September. I just pray that the excitement will last through the fall. I don't want to be the one who cries all the time about things that she has no control over. I don't want to be the person who isn't grateful for the good things in her life. I do want to be the person whose joy is contagious, whose smile is genuine, whose eyes do not betray some hidden emotion.

Trying New Things and Finding Comfort in the Old

Today was a day of trying new things... A lot of new things in one day for me. But the day started with an old thing that was quite enjoyable. First thing this morning, I went to I-Hop for breakfast with one of my friends from the days at the Evil K, who also happens to be a former roommate (in fact, probably the best roommate I ever had, besides my brother...) This is something that we used to do fairly regularly back in the Evil K days, but don't do so often now. It was a pleasant morning and well worth the sleep that was sacrificed.
Church was good in that since the group that I've now become accustomed to joining with for communion was completely absent, I was forced to reach out again and join somebody different. It's been almost a year since I had to do that! But I think I've grown more confident. This time, instead of going to somebody that I know, who would of course not turn me away (not that anybody would-- but my heart sometimes fears it), I went to somebody new, who I didn't already know. This is a new thing for me, having the confidence to believe that new people WILL accept me.
Another new thing I intend to try as a result of the message today: having the confidence to act on my potential. Yes, there was a lot of talk about hypocrisy and such, but what stood out to me was the little snippet about potential-- about God taking us and pulling out the potential that is already within us. Now, I don't have trouble RECOGNIZING the potential, I'm usually just too afraid to act on it. I'm afraid to fail, to not be good enough, to not LIVE UP to the potential. So what I need is to have the confidence in myself, as God does, as well as the confidence in God, to believe that I can do what God has for me-- that He will help me to do it. That would be new.
Later, in another new thing, I asked to join OTHER people in prayer at the end of the service. And not just any other people, but other people who generally intimidate me... This was an attempt to be more confident.
More new things: after church, I went to meet my family at Legends for lunch in celebration of the sis-in-law's birthday. We went to Jazz: A Louisiana Kitchen. This was my first time visiting the Legends "mall" or whatever you want to call it. Also, our lunch was my first time trying SEVERAL new foods: grits (didn't like 'em), fried okra (it was okay), breaded crawfish (was really good) and most interesting-- alligator bites (yes, they really are alligator meat...) It was fun and the food was tasty.
And back to the old, comforting things: I am now sitting at home, relaxing watching House on DVD. It's very comforting to do some of the same old things, particularly when there are some things this week that I am worried about. I find confidence in doing new things and having them work out, but I find peace in doing some of the same old things that I've been doing for years.

Lost Things

I have been thinking lately about lost things. Things I used to do and no longer do: playing soccer, theatre, running, spending time writing EVERY day. Things I used to have, but no longer have: a sense of adventure, a desire for something more, a passion for all things I do. Yes, the reality is, I have become indifferent and apathetic. I want to care, but I just don't. I miss the things that I've lost, but I don't really do anything to get them back. And the reality is that if I was willing to work for it, I could get each and every one of them back. But I've lost the energy to make the effort. There's a country song (yes, I know some of you are gagging as you read that) that says it perfectly... "My Give-a-Damn's Busted."

Here's the thing-- Back when I used to do any of those things, I really cared about all of them. I gave each and every one of them my heart. But during those times I had very few real relationships. And the ones I did have are mostly lost now. Those are the lost things I find myself missing today. Those are the lost things that I would like to get back, but I just don't know how. I know how to get back the lost things that are what I DO. But I don't know how to find the people that I've lost over time-- how to rekindle the friendships that I miss. There are some that I've lost that I've let go of because they had become unhealthy-- they were good for a time, but they were never meant to last forever. But there are some that I'd like to have back, even if just so that I know that their lives are good and they are healthy and happy.

This afternoon during my nap, I had a dream that my best friend from high school had died-- not in the dream. It was just something that I knew in my head in the dream. She had died and I ran into her sister and we were able to sit and share the things we'd liked about her and cry together. When I woke up, for a minute, for a minute I thought that I really had at some point heard that she'd died. In reality, as far as I know, she's still alive and well, married with at least one child. I've learned this through the reports of a mutual friend. I actually haven't seen her for at least ten years and the reality is that she could die and I could never know about it.

These are the lost things that make me the saddest, the most upset. How is it possible that the person I was closest to for three years back in high school could be completely absent from my life now? I don't even have her as a friend on Facebook or Myspace or any virtual manner of connecting. I've never even looked for her. I'm not sure if I should. Has it been too long? Does she ever think about looking for me? I am somewhat optimistic because last summer my mom reconnected with HER best friend from high school through classmates.com and now they communicate again. After over forty years they were able to reconnect, and this gives me hope for all of the lost things. Hope that lost friendships may someday be rekindled, lost ambitions will be rediscovered, lost passions will be reignited.

Life and things to come...

Today was a wonderful day filled with blessings. I had fabulous conversations with THREE of my close friends-- the ones who are just as much my friend as I am theirs and now I feel quite relaxed and encouraged. (I love you guys!)
The afternoon started out with a little time to myself, which was nice, because I really haven't had any of that for the last couple of weekends. Since I was meeting some friends for a movie downtown at 2:15, I just went straight downtown. It would have been silly to go home only to have to leave again 10 minutes later. So I decided to chill at Dreamers' for a little while and have some lunch. This was officially my first time trying a grilled peanut butter and banana sandwich and I must say that it was quite tasty.
The movie was hilarious and then I went to Pneumatic Diner with one of my inner circle (hehehe) and had a tasty meal there. We walked around downtown quite a bit, which was nice. I really should spend more time outside... I should make myself do it, even when I really don't feel like it.
Anyway, after that, I went home and talked to TWO more of my friends on the phone which was also quite nice.

As far as things to come-- Real Simple magazine is having another essay contest. I can't believe it's already been a year since the last one. At any rate-- I fully intend to enter again. I think this time the subject is a bit less vague and I already know what I want to write about. They've also increased the word count from 1500 to 3000 words, which might make things a bit easier. I can't wait to get started.
Also, it's almost JULY which means that ARTown is almost here. I fully plan to take advantage of the free activities-- I may be broke, but that doesn't mean I can't have a great time in July. I'll be posting some activities on Facebook if anybody wants to join in on the ARTown fun...
And last-- I am making plans for my birthday because I want to have fun and hang out with the people that I love and care about when I turn *cough* thirty *cough*. It's three months away, but I don't care. I want to make sure that I am happy and not depressed and so I'm planning things that I enjoy and if anybody wants to join in, they're welcome to, and if not, it's their loss! More on that later.

I also see bedtime in my near future... We'll say about 15 minutes in the future... :) Good night, all!

My blog has been neglected...

Life has been interesting lately. For the most part I have been happy because of my friends-- the ones that God has so graciously placed in my life-- despite the constant feeling that something in my life is still unfulfilled. I've been dealing with some stuff that I'm just not going to blog about and these few fabulous friends who are endlessly loyal have been very supportive once I let them in. As far as everybody else-- I feel like I'm having to work far harder than I should, and I'm getting to the point of being burned out again on being the one to put in all of the effort. Why should I always be the one doing the planning and inviting? When does it get to be somebody else's turn? (The loyal few are excluded from this statement. You know who you are...) I'm tired and I need a break, but I'm afraid that if I take one, if I stop being the one to make the effort, I'll end up isolated all over again.
Partially I think I'm just emo because I have a lot of questions, a lot of issues, but not many answers. And partially I think it's because the up and coming birthday of doom (30) and I have yet to accomplish anything noteworthy. I know that our accomplishments should not/do not matter-- but as I said before, there are days when I feel unfulfilled. I wonder what I'm supposed to be doing, how I should be making a difference, why I am still here, alone, waiting for life to happen. I know-- life doesn't just happen-- I need to take action of some sort, but I just can't figure out what.
And this is why I haven't blogged. Nothing makes sense. I have Jesus. I have friends who love me and I am mostly happy-- at least when they're around. So why isn't it enough? Why do I still see what other people have and want it even though I know it isn't right for me? Why do I sabotage myself in my pursuit of my dreams-- give up before I've even started?

Yeah... I think it's time for bed.

Until the next time...

Pointless Pregnancy Tests

Okay, so I made a status update on Facebook about this today but the size of a status update cannot truly convey the humor in this situation.
So this morning I had a doctor's appointment with the new doctor I started seeing about a month and a half ago. I changed primary care doctors because I was not happy with my previous doctor who dismissed my concerns, which in my new doctor's opinion, are very valid concerns, particularly given my family history-- which he also didn't dismiss because my parents go to the same doctor. So anyway, I've been seeing him trying to get the tummy trouble situation figured out and resolved. This was my third visit to his office and he has ordered various blood and imaging tests for me-- and today, out of nowhere, he asks me if there was any chance I could be pregnant.
I thought I'd made it clear on my new patient paperwork and during my first visit that I have not engaged in the necessary activity for such a question. I reminded him that if I was, it would only be the second time in the history of the universe that such a thing has happened. He politely laughed and told me that he wanted to do a urine test to make sure there was nothing unusual going on there. I didn't really think much of it, because he'd had my parents do the same in the past.
I wait in the room while the run the urine test and a little bit later he comes back and tells me that everything looks normal there... "Oh, and you're NOT pregnant." As if this is news to me... He then proceeded to tell me that since he was running the urine, he had to check because while he was sure that I wasn't, lots of patients lie about their sexual history. Every doctor says the SAME thing.

So, here's the long and short of it:
Number of pregnancy tests over the last 8 years: 5
Number of times I needed one: ZERO

Hence my status update this morning:

45 minutes at the doctor's office and here's the big news: I'm NOT pregnant. *Note Sarcasm*

I'm afraid that despite the "*Note Sarcasm*" the humor of it may have been lost on those who don't know me very well.

I thought I was going to have to move again

Okay-- I was kidding... Kidding. Don't freak out... I'm not really moving again.

But the reason for that header:
So this morning, I went to work early for some overtime-- started at about 6:30, which is WAAAAAAAYYYYY early for me-- and when I walked into the building one of my supervisors sees me and says-- "Oh, I was just thinking of you." Then one of my co-workers stands up and yells across the rows of cubes, "JENI! You're not 'sploded!" So I look at her, puzzled and say, "And good morning to you, too!"

Then my supervisor proceeds to tell me that one of the buildings in my apartment complex exploded...

So I went online to find the news story, just to make sure I didn't have to move again... :)
This morning they were saying that an explosion that may have been caused by a gas leak, but as the day went on and the investigators investigated, this is what they found:

How stupid can you get

At least I don't live in the same building as that lady!

Things I didn't do before

Over the last year, I've taken steps to be more outgoing, to reach out more, to talk to people and invite them to things despite the fear that they will say no. And over the last year, I've come to realize that if people do say no, it's probably not personal-- my head always knew this, but my heart was less rational. And I've also realized that when people say no, or bail on a plan at the last minute or whatever the case may be, it is their loss-- not mine. I can still have a great time doing whatever.
Today I did something a bit more unusual for me. I have become comfortable with reaching out to people I know and trust-- but reaching out to new people, meeting new people is still a challenge, but today, I found myself asking a complete stranger (a rather attractive one, at that :D) to join us for communion simply because I noticed he was alone. I didn't even think about it as anything unusual until after the fact. And that was when I realized that something has changed within me and I couldn't be happier.
I look forward to the excitement that will come as I continue to change and continue to willingly approach new people. I'm curious to discover what sort of opportunities this changed behavior will bring about. I pray that it will last-- that I won't just retreat back into my cave when things get tough. Only time will tell.

Weekend in Vegas Part I

So last weekend, I took a fabulous trip to Las Vegas to visit Becky. It was my first time in Vegas (aside from passing through the airport) since I was three years old. Of course Becky had fabulous non-touristy activities planned for the three of us (Becky, Mary and I).

So Friday night, out flight got in at about 10pm and we went to Becky's place to change for a night out on the town. (I know-- I'm usually going to bed about that time...)
The first place we hit was Firefly Tapas Lounge where we enjoyed appetizers and a pitcher of Sangria. (When I relayed the tale of the evening to my mother, she heard me wrong and thought I said Firefly TOPLESS Lounge... Oh dear. Not that it would surprise me if there was such a place...)
Next we hit a bar that Becky said was a locals sort of place where the "hipsters" hang out... It was called the Downtown Cocktail Lounge. Nothing particularly special-- typical bar environment, low lighting, music that's way too loud--it's more about the company than the place. The most unusual part was the bathroom-- the bathroom stall wall is a one way mirror, where it's a mirror on the outside, but when you're inside you can see out. Kind of creepy, actually. Anyway, here we are hanging out at the Downtown Cocktail Lounge:











Next we hit another bar, just around the corner called The Griffin. More of the same-- loud music, low lights. Good thing we were only having one drink per place, otherwise we'd be in BIG trouble, eh? Especially since there was still one more place to hit. The last place we visited was called the Beauty Bar-- apparently sometimes they do manicures in the bar-- and this is where the real trouble began. They have a courtyard in the back. According to Becky, there's usually a band playing there, but on this particular evening, they were renting out roller skates instead and people were skating around the courtyard... Yes, I knew that this was a bad idea-- but I let Becky talk me into it. Tipsy roller skating would be bad enough-- but to make it EXTRA fun, the courtyard was not flat. It had kind of a slant, so on one side you'd be skating uphill, and on the other side you'd be coasting down hill. Here is a picture of Becky and Mary skating (No picture of me skating-- it's bad enough Becky put one on her Facebook):











That was the end of Friday night. It was after three by the time we got back to Becky's and we all crashed pretty quickly.
Saturday we slept in and when we woke up we took a trip out to Red Rock Canyon. We took the scenic loop and stopped along the way for a short hike. Here is a picture of the prickly pear that poked both Mary and Becky, after which they both proceeded to flip off the prickly pear (but I thought that picture would be inappropriate for blogspot!):









When we got back from our trip to Red Rock Canyon, we got ready for Becky's dinner party-- she invited some of her Vegas friends plus her dad over for dinner so that they could meet Mary and I (if they hadn't already). The Thai food Becky made was fabulous and the conversation was-- well, interesting. The husband of one of Becky's friends kind of monopolized conversation, so there was a lot of sidebar talk going on... There was also some toilet trouble that resulted in everybody having to fill up the tank using a giant pot before they flushed... Poor Becky.
After the dinner party, Becky wanted to take us to a bar at Circus Circus called the Horse-Around bar-- It is a bar that was built on the carousel in the midway, and it apparently was mentioned in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Unfortunately the bar was closed, so we went to another bar at the Artisan. It was a classy sort of place with art on the walls and outside the bar in the lobby sort of area there was a nice fountain and tables and more art... I would have preferred to sit in the lobby area as it was much quieter, but it was nice, none the less...
We were home a bit earlier Saturday night, so we got a proper night's sleep, at last!

Too much drama

Yeah, that's what my life has been lately. I'm choosing not to elaborate at the moment because it's much more appropriate for my emo blog... But I'm here, and life marches on...