Response to a comment

I will go ahead and say it, this post is kind of in response to a comment diga made on my post about feeling pretty. I'm not even sure that I should post this because I don't want it to be misinterpreted, but I'll go ahead and see what happens and if people take it the wrong way, I'll take it down.

For anyone who didn't catch it, my HEAD (the part of me that reads and interprets blog comments) is fully aware that spouse, kids etc will not make me a happier person. My HEAD having this knowledge, does not make my heart stop longing for those things. I do desire to find that person who loves me enough to commit to a relationship with me. I do desire to have children someday. And I am aware that I don't NEED those things to be happy, hence the reason for reading the book again. The problem is that I find myself longing for and lacking something that I DO need, that we all need, and somehow I figure that if I were married I would have that one thing.

We always put an emphasis on how important community and personal relationships are to our faith and our spiritual growth. The way I see it, while I am aware that marriage will not make me a happier person in general, it could give me the opportunity to grow and develop as a person rather than remaining stagnant as I have been. All of the married people out there say that it's not greener on the other side, but most of the married people I know at least have ONE person that they can sit with and pray with when they need it in their spouse. They have that one person they can depend on to listen to them when they have something on their minds. That's not to say that a single person CAN'T have that, but right now I don't. So perhaps all of the desire to meet someone isn't so much about getting married and have kids. Perhaps it's more about knowing that if and when something bad happens that I will have someone to call at two o'clock in the morning to talk and to pray with. My closest friend for the last five years and the first person I thought to call whenever I needed something is not here right now, she is across the world, and I have not been doing a very good job of keeping her up to date with my life, nor have I done a very good job of keeping up on hers. A 16 hour time difference makes a close involvement in one's life quite difficult. And so I have been treating my blog as my best friend. I know that a blog can never be a replacement for personal relationships, but it's what I have right now.
I have been trying to stretch myself out of my comfort zone by getting involved in other people's lives so that I can develop those sorts of relationships and friendships but I know it will take time. As of right now, I still feel like an outsider watching everybody else have the close personal relationships, and every once in a while I get a day pass and I'm invited in, but the rest of the time I'm left on the outside watching and waiting. It's not just so I have someone to talk to and pray with, either. I want people to feel like they can talk to me and ask me to pray with them, to call me at two o'clock in the morning. And I will be ready when that relationship comes-- not just a romantic relationship, but a meaningful friendship-- one that truly intersects my life as I intersect theirs. I will be right here, open to whatever God blesses me with.

Oh, Blast it all...

What is the matter with me?

I love you. I hate you. I miss you. I wish I could forget you.

That is all.

And today I felt pretty...

So today I went shopping. I needed some specific items, and I didn't really get much more than I needed, but it was still quite an enjoyable day. I discovered that I now have so many choices-- I didn't have all of these choices before, and now suddenly I do. After purchasing the much needed items along with a couple of others, I found myself feeling pretty. This doesn't happen often. Most of the time I either hate the way I look or I am indifferent because it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. But today I felt pretty. I put on some make-up and a new shirt and met up with some of the other ladies in the church for pizza. But I really wanted to go out. I never want to go out, but today, I did. Unfortunately, the friend I was supposed to go out with tonight bailed on me. Oh well.
So now is the part where you all get to laugh at me and how completely ridiculous I am. You get to laugh at what I am about to confess because it is so wrong. Here goes: So when my friend called me and bailed, I decided to go to Barnes and Noble. I love books, and I like coffee beverages that don't taste like coffee, and since I felt pretty I hoped I might see some gentlemen who love books and like coffee beverages that don't taste like coffee. But wait-- It gets better. So I order my coffee and head out into the book store to browse. On the way out I pass a table with two guys sitting at a table doing their homework. I smile at them (this is not uncommon, I always smile at strangers) and find myself thinking in my head "look at me... look at me... come talk to me..." (this IS uncommon since I usually don't want people to look at me). If your still not laughing, it gets even better than this. After I go upstairs to look around, I look in the poetry section, then the Christian fiction section (I always get a good laugh out of some of the plots they come up with and the corny jacket passages) and when I got done there, I started to head over to the social sciences/current affairs sections when I notice that there is a guy about my age looking at poetry. So I go BACK to the poetry section even though I've already looked there. And in my head I'm thinking "Ask me what I like-- I'll tell you about my autographed Billy Collins books..." And then I realize that I've gone COMPLETELY mental and that it is time for me to go home. I go to the front to purchase my new journal for church notes and the guy cashing me out asks for my phone number to look up my rewards card. The psycho voice inside of me says "That's not all my phone number is good for--wink wink." And then I go home, thinking that I must be hormonal or something because as much as I hate being single sometimes, that psychotic inner dialogue is really not like me.
So now I am home, and I have decided that it is time for me to read a particular book again. It is called Living Whole Without a Better Half. I think I've blogged about it before, but I haven't actually read it for about 5 years. I bought it in 2003 when I was in the midst of the whole "met the guy I want to marry, too bad he doesn't feel the same way" drama and I went on a Christian singles book binge. I bought a ton of them and most of them were crap. They all talked about singles as though we are all raging with hormones and can't wait to hop in the sack and how important it is to not give in to those feelings. Um, DUH! Most of them addressed singles who are always dating and trying to figure out whether it's right or not. This was the only one I read that addressed the spiritual needs of a single person as they are in this moment. When I read it the first time, I made quite a few notes, and probably half of the pages in the book are folded over because of something noteworthy I found on the page. The book was so good that it provided the material for my one and only experience teaching a group.
The summer I graduated from UNR, some of the other college students I knew from Intervarsity Christian Fellowship decided that they didn't want Intervarsity to end for the summer. Yes, technically it did, but about 30 or so of us decided to get together and create our own similar meetings for the summer. There was worship and a teaching and then general hanging out. Somehow, I got roped into teaching about escaping emotional dependence. I'm not sure WHY anyone thought this was a good idea, but someone did, and I, being the people pleaser I was at the time, agreed to it. I suppose that in teaching about a subject, we always learn something ourselves, and that summer I learned quite a bit and managed to not hate being single, even if just for a few months.
My battle with this has always been two steps forward and one step back, but I know I depend a lot less on people to provide me with meaning in my life than I used to. I know that I have grown a lot, and that I still have a lot of growing to do. And I feel like right now I might be in the middle of that one step back because I have been so lonely lately. I want to stop that, before it turns into two steps back. So I'm going over all the things I learned last time, and I will also hopefully learn some new things.

Next Time: Lies about the single life.

A Painful Lesson

Here I am blogging again--Which should make it painfully clear to all that I am processing a lot right now. This is good. Because I have been ignoring a lot of things for a long time just hoping that they'll go away on their own. My recent physical struggles have caused me to come a realization about other parts of my life. And I'm only coming to terms with this as I've been shut down from being the physical superhuman I always acted like. My whole life, I've been an extremely emotional person, as all of you know ALL TOO WELL. And on the opposite side of my sub-human level of emotional control, I have always had great levels of physical control... I can't really ever recall shedding tears over physical pain. Between my family who always said that doctors were a waste, and my super-athlete teen years during which time I played soccer year round in addition to running track, I was kind of brought up with a "walk it off" mentality. And so every little ache and pain that I felt, I always ignored it. I had been raised to believe that it would pass. That it would go away on its own. Here's some news: It won't.
In the process of trying to get things taken care of I am coming to a realization about myself. In the office of our very own Aric G, he pointed out that I was laughing and thought it was strange. I dismissed it at first, thinking it was just because I'm not usually comfortable around people I don't know very well. But after a few visits, I've come to realize that it's usually when I'm describing where it hurts and how that I find myself giggling--and I realized something awful about myself. I'm ashamed of feeling physical pain. That probably sounds insane, but it is true. Every once in a while, I will casually mention having a headache or something of that nature, but I will also make it clear that I fully intend to keep doing whatever I'm doing regardless. I have always been the type where if I want to do something, I will push through and force myself to do it. I have to prove that I can--maybe it's so I don't look as physically weak as I am emotionally weak. But I have never decided that I wanted to do something then have my body absolutely refuse to do it. After my surgery, I wasn't ready to start running again yet, so I decided I would join the group to walk the half-marathon. I thought it would be a good way to ease myself into running after being inactive while recovering for a couple of months. But it didn't happen that way.
So here I am, after ignoring the same problem for ten years as it grew gradually worse, and I am at a point where I can't ignore it anymore. So now a simple problem like shin splints has grown into a massive problem. I know, I'm an idiot. It's stupid to ignore a problem for ten years as it gets worse and worse and worse, especially if you don't know what the problem is or what to do about it. I am now fully aware of the idiocy of the "walk it off" approach. Yes, it is such a small thing like shin splints that is causing all of this drama, only they have apparently turned monster because when I hit about the quarter mile mark, even walking about 3 miles per hour, my body refuses to go anymore. Let me correct that, it will go, but not more than like maybe ONE mile per hour. This is completely mental and I feel embarrassed and like somewhat of a sissy, but I have to say that when it gets to that quarter mile mark, it hurts more than anything I've ever felt before. More than getting hit in the nose with a soccer ball from ten feet away, a hundred times more than getting the tattoo on my shoulder, and even more than waking up from my surgery tightly bound and with stitches from armpit to armpit.
But the point of this post (which I have taken forever to get to) is that it has taken this painful physical lesson to make me realize that I have been doing the same thing emotionally and spiritually. I have been ignoring these small issues that pop up, or maybe not ignoring them but just bringing them up in conversation (or on my blog) and then pushing them aside again rather than taking them to the Healer. When my emotional issues come up in conversation with my mom, she chides me because "there are people who have it much worse". And sometimes I let that mentality take over me. I shove the problems aside and don't take them to God, I don't ask for prayer, because it's just too small to matter. But just like shin splints, if you take this thing that is too small to matter and you ignore it and ignore it and ignore it, rather than going away, it will become a big problem. It will grow and grow and grow until it slams down on top of you, stopping you in your tracks. So the moral of the story? There is no problem too small for God. There is no problem too small for prayer. I know it's obvious. I know it's not the first time I've had this realization, but maybe this time, because of the physical aspect of the lesson, maybe maybe maybe it will finally stick.

The Endless Circle

So this is kind of a continuation of my previous post about my personal struggles with hopelessness. I think that when I fall into the trap is when it feels like a vicious circle that I can't break free from. I will give you and example and please don't jump to discredit my example because I am aware that there are falsehoods there, but it's just how it feels in those moments of hopelessness. Here it is:

And so, I am single ------>
So I gain more weight, become less attractive .......If I were more attractive, I would not be single

|................................................................................................|
...............So I eat more.........................................If I lost weight I would be more attractive
|................................................................................................|
...................So I get depressed..............................................If I exercised more I would lose weight
|................................................................................................|
................But it does, so I don't <---------------If it didn't hurt so much, I would exercise more

Then a new circle begins... If I wasn't single and had fulfillment in other parts of my life, such as relationships, children, etc, I would not be so dependent on my job to fulfill me, and vice versa. Yes, I know it should be God that fulfills me. It's different to know this and to put this into practice when you feel like God's blessing is going to everyone but you. If you feel like I am being a whiny little ***** then you can kick me in the head next time you see me. I am just putting this out there to remind myself not to let myself get trapped in this vicious circle. And maybe someone else is trapped in a similar circle and needs to know that they're not alone. So in some ways it would be more selfish for me NOT to post this! Just keep that in mind before you go and kick me in the head... Thanks for stopping by!

Right Place, Right Time

I have to say that today's message at church hit quite close to home. In fact it was bordering on too close for comfort. I have been battling hopelessness for the last month and as I wrote earlier this week, things are starting to pick up a bit, but it was still lingering right there in the corner waiting for me to let it back in. But something struck me today when Noel was speaking and said that God never gives up hope on us. And immediately I thought, if God never gives up hope on us, who are we to give up on ourselves. And now that I am aware of this, I'm hoping I can keep guard over all of the weak spots where hopelessness can sneak in. So as part of that, I will list my current weaknesses so that I can be reminded to keep closer watch so as not to let hopelessness overtake me in these areas.
1. Loneliness: I am always afraid that it's never going to end. I do most things alone and this doesn't leave me thinking that I have no hope of ever escaping this situation except when my friends flake on me or leave me out. This is when I am most vulnerable to hopelessness in this area.
2. My Physical Being: I am feeling particularly frustrated with this right now. I had been doing pretty well with working out a few times a week before my surgery. I was struggling, but I could still do it. After the surgery, I feel much better in my neck, shoulders and back, but I was kind of out of commission as far as working out goes for a couple of months. Now as I've been trying to get back in the swing of things physically, I'm coming up against massive barriers. In general on the day to day, I feel good, but when it's time to go walking, I have a whole new crop of problems popping up (actually it's old problems getting worse). This is frustrating for me, because I have a pretty high tolerance for pain. I usually can just push through it and I'm fine. But what I'm dealing with right now has progressed to the point that I can't just push through it. It doesn't really affect my every day life, but it's affecting my ability to complete a workout. I feel like I should be able to suck it up and the fact that I can't is making me feel hopeless. I'm trying to get it taken care of but I wish it would come faster. I will be on the lookout for any leaks of hopelessness here.
3. My Job- I don't hate my job and I appreciate the schedule. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I actually like my job, but I'm indifferent to it. It doesn't really keep me from connecting with other human beings, so that's a plus. At the same time, my days don't go by nearly as quickly as I would like them to. My job is not all that challenging and can be quite repetitive. It is tolerable and consistent which is a vast improvement over the Evil K. I still find the situation a bit hopeless. I don't see myself moving up because I do not have an outwardly confident nature. I don't interview well, and I don't generally know how to go about moving myself upward. I'm not good at finding opportunities for myself, particularly in such a large company. I had been looking forward to starting taking classes again, but I have discovered that right now I don't have the money for the class I wanted to take, which contributes to the hopelessness. I will have to keep my eyes on the sky for direction in what I should be doing in terms of finding my real career.

That it all for now... This may be continued later, depending how I feel the next time I blog...

Thanks a Latte!

Thanks to all you guys for not throwing tomatoes at me when I go all emo. I particularly enjoyed the suggestion to get a latte, mostly because the timing of it was impeccable. I had already been planning on talking about lattes in my blog post tonight. So-- onward and upward:

I think that my non-prayers are working probably because one of my fabulous friends who are not quite so incoherent right now put them into words. I have been having a much better week this week. Better at work and better at home. I know that tonight was the big dinner and I really was considering dragging myself there, but I had the opportunity to enjoy a small dinner with a friend that I only get to spend time with a few times a year. I enjoyed an Ultimate Mudslide at happy hour price and some good conversation. I am feeling more optimistic, though nothing has changed. I am looking forward to enjoying a marshmallow mocha cappuccino with the new coffee creamer I purchased today at Target (and in case you didn't know, Target is my second favorite store. If you have to ask what my first favorite store is, you're fired!)
I am currently reading a book about brain surgery. It is a memoir by a neurosurgeon and it is quite interesting. I am working toward my goal of reading a hundred books this year that I've never read before. I am currently working on numbers 9 and 10 fo the year. The other one is The Little Book of Pandemics.
Dancing with the Stars starts again next week, so I'll be going to my mom's on Monday nights for dinner and dancing. And yes, we will also be dancing. Mock us not. It is quite fun.

So, now that I've provided you with my non-emo update, I am going to go enjoy a marshmallow mocha cappuccino. Let me know if you want one and I'll fix one up for you. :)

Desolate

This is the most appropriate word to describe how I feel lately. Everything I do feels empty and unfulfilling. When people ask me what's happening in my life, I always have the same answer--nothing new, nothing exciting. I am functioning on autopilot and I don't know how to stop. And I can't be sure that there's really a good reason to stop. Because I'm afraid stopping would break me. It would leave in such a state that even the commitments I have would no longer be worth leaving the house for. At least on auto-pilot I can get through this, even if I feel numb in the process. I wish there was some sort of anesthesia for this part of my life-- the part where I feel like I'd rather have terrible things happening in my life as long as I had someone to share them with than what I have right now; the part where I feel like there is no use in having good health if you have nobody to share its benefits with; the part where I feel like the only joy and the only heartache I get to experience is somebody else's. If only someone could tell me to count backwards from ten--but I'd only make it to eight--and then I would wake up, as though only a second had passed and I would find all of the deadness inside of me removed, the emptiness filled and I would be in the part where I have a new challenge: learning to live with and communicate with and love another person who was sharing the experience of life with me.

I am sorry that I have been so emo lately, and that I don't know when this emo stage will end. Some of you have told me that I should blog it out anyway, even though I have nothing happy to say. So I am, because I don't have a better solution. The obvious answer would be to pray, but lately I haven't been able to think what to pray for. My prayers have been paltry, mostly just cries to God to read what's on my heart and take it from there. I cannot find the words to explain it, just as I am sure I didn't really accurately explain it in my paragraph above. It all comes out sounding like jibberish, or pointless rambling. I have never had a time in my life when my words have failed me as much as they are failing me now.

And with that I bid you adieu, for the night or for the week--until I blog again.

Small Changes

It's no secret that I am not happy with my life. I am happy to be a child of God, but I am not happy with my life. I know I should be content with what I have. I know that I should count my blessings and be thankful that there is no bad excitement. But year after year of no excitement bad or good is beginning to wear on me. I generally deal with this by adding a bit of excitement myself by making small changes. On the outside they appear drastic and sudden (coloring my hair, cutting off 8 inches in one sitting, etc) but even these small changes are contemplated for weeks, maybe even months. These small changes have kept me sane over the last few years
But it's not enough anymore. I have been depressed beyond words for the last few weeks, though I have not kept myself isolated, which used to be my way. I've forced myself out of the house at every opportunity. I wonder if these small changes are necessary because there is actually a big change that I need to make but I'm too afraid to. I didn't know what the big change could be, and it's still not entirely clear, but I think it has something to do with finding a real career. This means I need to decide what I really want to spend my life doing (aside from writing) and start to make a way to do it. Yes, writing is my dream, but I need to take action for it to ever become a possibility-- and I should take advantage of my natural talents in other areas to try to pave the way. I know I've said it before, and I never did anything about it, but now I have another person in my life prompting me.
Last week at work, I got my review. It was good. In fact I was told that my performance is remarkable for a person who's been there for such a short time. And then I was told that I am too smart to be a customer service representative. My manager told me that she expects me to start taking classes again toward a career. She doesn't want me to leave, but she does want what is best for all of her employees. She pressed that there is really no excuse since we do have 5000.00 a year of tuition reimbursement available. And today again, my supervisor asked me why I work in a customer service job, when I'm clearly intelligent Ienough to do so much more. This is a constant internal struggle for me. People tell me that I can do more, but I find myself lacking the confidence to do more. That is why I did not pursue a degree that would lead to a medical career when I started college. It was the only thing that interested me besides writing when I started college, but I was intimidated by the amount of biology required and I told myself I wasn't smart enough--so I decided to pursue my passion thinking that would be enough to get me through my life.

Now hear I am, 4 and a half years after I graduated college and no better off than I was when I started, all because I thought I wasn't smart enough to do anything but pursue my passion. And I've found out that in the real world passion doesn't equate to anything if you don't have the skill. But now it's time to try to prove to the world, and myself that I am smart enough to have a real career. I have no choice-- my boss says so! :) So as soon as I get my bonus from work, it is time to enroll in Math 128 to brush up.

And I dyed my hair again-- I can't cut out the small changes all together!

Good night and good luck.

Too Much Work

Warning: mopey post ahead.

Right now I'm in a period where doing anything but hanging out at home and either sleeping or watching TV is too much work. That doesn't mean I'm not going to do other things. Obviously I HAVE to go to work even though the last time I want to do is talk on the phone all day. I have been praying that this is not obvious to the people I am helping, and I think it's working because more people than usual have actually told me how helpful I am. I don't feel helpful, but perception is everything...
Today I wanted to stay home rather than going to the gigantic humongous dinner or whatever you want to call it. I wanted to stay home despite the fact that I thought we would be sitting at small tables having personal conversations with the people sharing a meal with us. I was disappointed when I arrived and found three MASSIVE tables with people stretched end to end. After all, a crowd is the last thing I feel like dealing with when I'm in this mood. I tried (unsuccessfully) to find the meaningful conversations I had been looking for. While I racked up quite a few hugs, which is common with this crowd, and always helps a little, the whole thing felt a bit impersonal to me. I know that it's just me, that most people enjoy getting together with lots of people all at once. I know it's probably for the best that I made myself get out rather than staying at home moping.
Tomorrow, I will force myself to get out again and my time with the kiddos will be better than staring at the glowing tube of doom with that glazed over look that I get when I don't even care enough to actually follow what I'm watching.
And Thursday I will be going goth. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I'm hoping that making a joke out of the day will make me feel a little bit better. I don't actually care about Valentine's Day and wouldn't want to celebrate it even if I had someone to celebrate it with, but the fact that it's nearly here is causing people to talk even more about their relationships, both positive and negative. I'm finding myself being a jerk and resenting the people who are talking about how great their relationships are, and being disgusted with the people who are talking about how bad their relationships are because they come across as ungrateful. Once again, I am aware that it is me being a jerk and if I wasn't in this mopey depressed mode I probably wouldn't be feeling like that toward people.
And Friday I decided to take the day off from work. Just because. So I'm going to spend the day doing things I enjoy, which will hopefully help get past this crappy phase. I really hate feeling this way and spontaneously crying over stupid crap and not caring about anything and being even more impatient than usual.

And if you actually read this post, I promise that I will not post again until I have something more positive to say. Today I am indulging and posting my depressive rant, and tomorrow perhaps I will delete it, we'll see....