Too much drama

Yeah, that's what my life has been lately. I'm choosing not to elaborate at the moment because it's much more appropriate for my emo blog... But I'm here, and life marches on...

Extending Love Without Expectations

I'm in a phase again where I'm finding myself lacking the motivation to blog. After all- what is the point of sharing my heart if nobody finds it necessary to reciprocate?

The truth is this is something I've been struggling with in all parts of my life, not just online. I find myself not wanting to make the effort to put myself out there only to be ignored or pushed aside. It happens online and it happens in real life and I have been finding myself resentful of the people who do it. I am tired of constantly reaching out to people, of making an effort to love them when they aren't willing to give me the time of day.

This is where my epiphany comes in- this past Sunday, I arrived at church and was immediately in a foul mood. The people I have repeatedly attempted to reach out to just smile an walk on by. I stand around waiting for somebody to show up who actually wants to be a part of my life. I see a friend arrive and it improves my mood just a bit. Then, just before worship begins, another friend arrives and joins me where I am sitting. Worship begins and I'm feeling just a little bit happier. Then another friend arrives and joins me on my other side. And I'm filled with an overwhelming joy. I suddenly feel as though things are JUST as they should be.
I am convicted. I know that I have been selfish. I would not be happy being the center of attention, and yet sometimes that is what I want. In this overwhelming joy, God reminds me that He has handpicked each and every one of my friends and placed them in my life for a very special reason. Each of them fulfills a specific need in my life-- and I have no needs that are left un-met that would be fulfilled by any of the people whose attention I have been striving after. Things are just as they should be in God's eyes.
Just like a real family, just because somebody spends the majority of their time with other family members, it does not mean that they love you less. And there should never be a time where I do not show love to somebody simply because they have not been showing love to me. We are called to love others-- not to love only those who will show us love in return.

Jesus, please help me to love without expectation of anything in return. Help me to be grateful for the life that I have rather than resentful that it's not the life I want. Fill me with the same joy I felt in the moment I was surrounded by my friends, knowing that you have placed them in my life for a reason.

A New Season

It has always been that my friends come in and out of my life in seasons. It is gradual, but when I look back, it looks like things changed quite quickly.
Right now, it seems that I am entering a new season again. I love my old friends dearly and they are still and will continue to be my friends. But we're not in the same place anymore and they are no longer the people I feel most comfortable turning to when I'm down and just need someone to cry with, to pray with. Over the last year or two, I have made some great new friends and reconnected with old friends who are in the same place that I am. But with the new friends, I still haven't quite established who is the one I should call when I'm feeling particularly lonely and vulnerable and need somebody to pray with. I kind of feel like I'm wandering.
Over the last few years, I have become 100% more outgoing than I used to be, and yet I still find myself feeling lonely. There is no rhyme or reason to it. It just happens. While it is great to have lots of friends and spend time in large groups, I still need to connect on the personal level with people as individuals.
And that part is finally starting to come around to. This new season may just be spring time when the sun begins to shine much brighter and the beautiful colors begin to light up all around.

Violated!

Yes-- It is a tale of excitement and adventure, most of which I missed, despite the fact that it happened to me.

So today, just like every Sunday, I had bowling at the Coconut Bowl at 6:00. Our practice starts at about 5:50. Nothing particularly notable about this day. I did have a drink-something called "orange dreamsicle"- which is a little bit different. On about my third practice ball, I went up, took my turn, and when I came back, everybody is pointing at my purse and asking whose it is. I said that it was mine, and of course, asked why they wanted to know. I thought maybe somebody had spilled something on it, or knocked it on the floor or something.

And then the bartender said that he caught some guy trying to steal it. During the minute I was up throwing a practice ball, some guy had grabbed it and stuffed it under his coat. The bartender saw him and said something to him, at which time he dropped my purse and ran off. The bartender brought it back, and that is the moment that I returned from my practice ball.

I didn't see any of this happen-- this is just what I have been told. But I checked my purse to make sure nothing was missing, and then I took my wallet, stuck it in my pocket and asked my dad to put my purse in the car.

I thought that was all-- I felt violated and upset, but I thought that there was nothing to be done. I assumed that the guy had fled the property never to be seen again. But then halfway through the first game, the Sparks PD showed up and wanted to ask me about what had happened. I really didn't know anything since I didn't see anything. But then they said that since it was my property, I had to decide whether or not I wanted to press charges. All throughout the first game the police were in and out with reports to be filled out and statements to be made.

Then they needed to go through my purse to assess the value of the items inside to determine if the would be thief would be charged with a misdemeanor or a felony. It turns out that I had almost $500.00 worth of personal property in my purse (including the purse itself). So, apparently that makes it a felony. So we got everything wrapped up and my dad took my purse back to the car and the remainder of the night was uneventful.

I joked through the final two games, but when the evening was over, I just felt sick to my stomach. I felt violated- but also I felt incredibly blessed. The bartender's attentiveness saved me a lot of time, money and frustration. I feel like I should give him a giant hug (which would obviously be inappropriate) or buy him a drink (which would also be moderately inappropriate) or send him a cookie basket or something.

I think maybe I should have another drink before bed. Ugh, what a night.

Life should be more than this...

I have, as some people have noticed, been struggling more than usual recently. I made a particularly emo post on my emo blog about part of it, but it doesn't really tell the whole story. In my life, there has almost always been a song that characterizes what I'm going through at any given time, good or bad. I've written about them here before, and they usually come to my mind unexpectedly-- sometimes they are songs that I haven't heard for months or even years. Today the song that characterizes this period of my life came to my mind. The song is "I Belong to You" by Superchick. Yes, I know Superchick is rather cheesy and such, but the song is quite true to what I am feeling right now-- so here are the lyrics:

Everybody needs to belong somewhere
life can feels so alone without someone who cares.
And when life becomes something just to get through,
that’s when I’m glad that I belong to you.

I belong to you,I belong to you,
you’re the one who will never let me down,
won’t let me down.
I belong to you.
Lord I belong to you.

Sometimes life brings more pain than we can bear alone.
When hope is gone and I have no strength to stand on my own,
when nothing helps, there’s nothing that I can do,
you surround me and show me I belong to you.

I belong to you,I belong to you,
you’re the one who will never let me down,
won’t let me down.
I belong to you.
Lord I belong to you.

When Love is gone there’s no arms to run to anymore,
I’m all alone there’s no one for me to live for,
letting go of the things I’ve always clung to,
that’s when I need to feel that I belong to you.

I belong to you,I belong to you,
you’re the one who will never let me down,
won’t let me down.
I belong to you.
Lord I belong to you.

This is how I'm feeling, spot on. I really do have a lot of days right now that just feel like something to get through. I do feel quite alone most of the time. I do have days where Jesus is the ONLY thing keeping me living-- because without Him I'd still be living the life I was ten years ago which consisted of intentionally hurting myself and wanting to die. The skeleton in my closet is that I still sometimes think about it. I never seriously consider it anymore, but it still pops up in my head, and there are days that it takes great restraint to not punch a wall or pull out a razor blade-- but Jesus gives me the strength to make the right choice, even in the moments when there is nothing I would rather do than cause myself pain. It is the weapon in Satan's arsenal against me that only Jesus can defeat.
At any rate, the song tells where I am at and what I'm living for right now. And I'm praying for a new song to come along really soon, one that's more about hope and less about loneliness.

My Essay, as Promised

So I said that I would post my entry to the "Real Simple Magazine Life Lessons Essay Contest" on my blog after they posted the winner (not me). And so here it is-- If you don't like long, you should probably leave now. It's short for an essay, but still long for a blog post.

The question was: What was the most important day of your life?
“What was the most important day of your life?”

I look at this question and I am completely overwhelmed. After all, how can one possibly choose ONE most important moment of an entire lifetime thus far? Okay, so maybe if I was married, I might call the day I met my husband the most important moment of my life—or if I had a child, the day he or she was born might be the most important moment of my life. But my life to this point has not been quite that predictable or cliché. It has not been the life little girls dream about when they are young. There is no dream man, no dream family with 2.5 children, no dream house and no dream job. Don’t get me wrong—I’m not complaining, I am mostly happy with my life—but it’s not at all what I had thought it would be. Two major stops on my “happily ever after” timeline have already come and gone unfulfilled. In my fictional life that I created for myself, I was married by 25, had my first kid by 28 and had published my first novel by 30.
When I turned 25, I spent the first half of the year trying to get over the fact that I wasn’t married. When I turned 28, the not having a kid wasn’t quite so much of a blow because I still hadn’t (and haven’t) found the man I’m going to marry. One thing I didn’t think about is that these goals are not realistic. Yes, things could have happened this way, but they didn’t, and it’s not because I’ve failed. I would have failed if I settled for something less than I wanted just to make this happen—but it takes a stronger person to hold out for what is right, even if it means watching all of your friends get what you want and still waiting. As far as the third stop on that timeline? There’s still time for that.
Thinking about all of these things made me realize that I knew exactly which day to call the most important day of my life. I discovered that TODAY is the most important day of my life. Today I will learn to never lower my standards in an attempt to find love. Today I will be made whole again. Today I will meet my first love, and today I will let him go. Today I will go to driving school, get my license and buy my first car, and today my mother will nearly have a nervous breakdown when I come home with a flashy red car. Today I will move into my own apartment. Itwill be small and a little bit dingy, but it will be mine. Today one of my dearest friends will move halfway around the world and I will be terrified that our friendship can not, will not survive; and today I will discover I was wrong as our friendship remains solid. Today I will graduate 11th in my high school class; and today I will graduate college (just barely) one semester after changing my major, saying farewell to the teaching career I never wanted anyway. Today we will celebrate my great-grandmother’s 100th birthday, and today she will pass away. Today I will watch my little (though not in stature) brother get married before me. Today I will remember all of these days. These are just some of my todays, but each and every one of them has helped to make me the person I am on this today. And all of the todays that are yet to come—how will I choose to spend them knowing that each one is the most important day of my life?
Today is the day I get out of bed and go to work so that I can pay the bills. Today is the day I will smile at a stranger passing by and maybe he’ll smile back and maybe he won’t. Maybe he’ll even stop to chat. And maybe we’ll never talk again, but maybe we will. Today is the day I will take a chance on people. I will love them in spite of the possibility that I will get hurt, or that I will hurt somebody else. Today I will put pen to paper and write something beautiful. Okay, so maybe only my mom and dad will think it’s beautiful, but it’s a start. I will just sit down and write whatever comes out because I will never write anything beautiful if I continue to write nothing at all. I will write this essay and I will mail it even though I will never be completely happy until it’s perfect—which it never will be. I will write because it’s what I love and I will not stop just because it’s not perfect.
Today is the day I choose to put my all into what I have at this moment rather than holding back, waiting for my “real life” to begin. Today is the day I celebrate and cherish the life I have rather than coveting somebody else’s. And when tomorrow becomes today, today will still be the most important day of my life. After all, there is no good that can come of always looking behind us, wishing things could be the way they used to be, or wondering where we went wrong. Glancing back and remembering the good times and learning from our mistakes is natural, even expected; like checking your rearview mirror while you’re driving. But when we continue to look behind us, we miss what lies ahead— not only the obstacles, but the joys as well. We miss the roadblocks in front of us and we crash. Or worse yet, we are so busy looking back at the love we used to have that we zoom right past the love that’s yet to come, missing out completely. Each today is a choice. We can choose to be in today and make the most of it or we can choose to be in yesterday and tomorrow, completely missing out on today.
Today is the day I move forward. I will not live in the past, nor will I worry about what the future holds, because worrying will take me nowhere. I will live today in a way that reflects who I am and what is important to me. I will stop expecting to fail. I will make a reachable goal for today and today and today. I will do what I can with what I have and nothing more or less. I will value my commitments to myself as much as I value my commitments to others. Today I will spend a little less money and a little more time on myself. I will make dinner for a friend. I will pray for contentment with a life that is nothing like I planned and expect my prayer to be answered. I will stop standing in the place I have been and take one step forward, then another and another. Today I will choose to do all of these things. And tomorrow I will have to choose to do them all over again because it will be another today… And another best day of my life.

A New You in 2009

Okay, so I'm not really counting on a NEW me in 2009. Yes, I will continue to grow and change, but I know I will not INSTANTLY be new. But I was watching TV and that's what the commercial in the background promised, so it seemed like a good title for a blog post.

2008 kind of sucked, but it is done and over with, so there is no use dwelling on that now. The topic of this post is the things I realized about myself this weekend that I can now work on.

As you all know, I love kids-- I really want my own, but alas it is not the time. As you also know, the place that I generally serve is with the kids. I spent several years working in the nursery once or twice a month and then I moved on to watching the younger kids while the older kids were in youth group. Once youth group stopped meeting on Wednesday nights, I never picked up another area of service. I really wanted to work with the kids, but I thought that it was best to stay away because I thought it would put too much focus on what I want more than anything else but cannot have.
But this weekend I realized that since I stopped serving with the kids and no longer had regular time spent with kids and/or serving, I have been MORE depressed. So I stopped to try to keep from being depressed and it actually made me more depressed. And so now, it is BACK to the kids. HOORAY!

In other news, it is a wonderful thing to have friends who share the same struggles as you. It feels great to know that there is somebody knows exactly how you feel and what you mean without having to give a lengthy explanation-- though it would be exponentially better if none of us had to deal with it- but since we do, being able to share the struggles makes life a little bit better.

The Real Simple Magazine essay contest that I entered will be posting the winners this Friday. I haven't heard anything yet, so I am assuming that I am not a winner. However, I will remain hopeful for three more days until the winners are posted. After that, when (oops I mean if) I am not a winner, then I will post my essay on my blog.

Happy 2009 to you all! And now it is time to watch Jeopardy-- It makes me feel smart.

Happy New Year and Welcome to 2009!

You know all of the rules about drinking that one should follow in order to avoid feeling crappy the next day? Let's just say that those rules went out the window this New Years' Eve. The last couple of years I spent New Years' with my family for lack of a better plan. This year I attended a "progressive dinner" with a couple of my closest friends and it was quite an adventure. I enjoyed myself immensely despite my resistance to the entire idea. And at the encouragement of my friends, I did indulge in some beverages. To be honest, I broke the cardinal rule of drinking and mixed my alcohols... I had a margarita at the first stop (tequila). Shared a bowl drink with my friends at the second stop (also tequila). No drinks at the third stop. The fourth and final stop is when everything went down hill. I started with a glass of wine, moved on to a mojito (rum), then decided that a PEAR mojito might be better (vodka) and then after midnight enjoyed a couple of mimosas (champagne) and a glass of wine. Let's just say this is a once in a lifetime experience. I feel great at the moment, but I'm sure that won't be the case in the morning... I am currently eating crackers and drinking water to try to minimize the consequences. And I am QUITE looking forward to coffee with Erica tomorrow. Should be a great time. Happy New Year to Ya'll and I shall see you soon! :)

Out with 2008,

While not everything has been bad in 2008, I'd like to say GOOD RIDDANCE to the year 2008.
Things went funky early on in the year and just went downhill from there. I know it was not just me and many people had a rather unpleasant year. But for me, here are some of the things that made 2008 a year to forget:
~February 24- spending time with my parents on their 30th anniversary when we received a phone call that my cousin --my dad's older brother's daugther-- had committed suicide. We weren't close-- I remember meeting her a few times when I was still in my single digits-- but suicide always messes with me. Having it happen in my family messed with me more.
~On top of my emotional issues (which are gradually improving over time...) this year was also fraught with physical issues. I started having joint problems-- the biggie was the ankle that hurt on the bottom and went numb on the top. That one has not been resolved yet. Others just randomly decided to hurt on random days. Whatever. Then there were some other issues that came along on top of the ankle issues leading to me not getting that resolve. These issues are being examined over time (yippee...) to see if anything changes. Then there was the tummy trouble that started with not just milk products, but other random foods as well-- eating is not enjoyable when nothing seems to agree with you. Then of course there was my clumsiest moment in the history of my existence, leading to my elbow injury-- that was fun. Amazingly enough, the month or so that my elbow felt really bad, everything else felt GREAT. Weird. And then there was the fact that for the two months prior to hurting my elbow as well as about a month and a half after, I was waking up at least twice a night. With all of this going on, my weight has suffered and my doctor is apparently not concerned by any of this. Well that's special. Particularly given that my mom has been diagnosed in the last three years with Type II Diabetes, a thyroid condition and Rheumatoid arthritis. All of which I am at risk for and all of which will hit me harder and sooner if I can't get my weight under control. But apparently this does not matter to my doctor.
~ I really did not want to move until I could afford to buy a place and moving was made even more complicated by the whole stupid elbow thing. I couldn't have done it without such fabulous friends.
~ This year has been the most difficult yet to be alone. The hardest part has been watching all of the new kids arriving to their families. Of course it is a joy-- but it is also painful for me because I worry that I will run out of time. I know that 29 is still young, but I also know that it is going to be VERY difficult for me to have a child if and when that time comes because of the "other issues" mentioned in the above section and so each year that goes by that I'm still alone is another year that I've lost.
~ I have struggled with hope and with trust. I have watched my parents' marriage continue in its destructive path of not communicating and the blame game. At the same time, I have watched my brother struggle as his wife goes out on the town with friends and leaving him at home. All the while, he brought in the only income for most of the year as she was unemployed for six months and he still was left to do much of the housework despite being the only one working and despite being out of town frequently for work. As far as trust goes, I have found that because of many past experiences, I am having a hard time trusting men to do anything they say they will do-- which may keep me from getting a date should anyone be miraculously interested.

But 2008 hasn't been all bad. Here is some of the good:
~ I made several great new friends and reconnected with a couple of old friends.
~ I got a better position at work- working in claims rather than customer service. My co-workers are much more friendly and accepting and much less catty and gossipy. I also feel much more appreciated. Not only do they say it and show it more-- I also received an unexpected promotion which resulted in a 9% pay increase. It's not a different job-- just a higher level of the same job because my boss thinks that I'm doing great.
~Smokey is still the cutest cat ever. And since I got my digital camera, it's easier for me to prove it. :)
~Now that I've moved to the new place, I'm starting to see the pluses-- I have much more space than I used to. It is walking distance to the grocery store, coffee, dollar tree and several food options. Also it is walking distance to the park where there is a beautiful walking trail.
~I've started to learn to believe and accept that the people who say that they love me really do love me-- it is not just an act and it is not pity.

Next Post: In with 2009-- My goals and hopes for the year to come.

A Post About Nothing.

I am here to post about nothing. I, like some others, have been experiencing a case of the blog BLAHS and have not posted anything for a while. Don't worry-- I haven't posted anything on the emo blog either, so it's not because things are bad. I just don't have much to say.
I generally do not enjoy the holidays as much as I should because it means extra extra time with the family and my mom tends to make drama out of everything that goes wrong this time of year. She has been much more mellow this year-- I'm not sure what to attribute it to, but I am grateful.
I received a fifty dollar gift card for Wal-mart from my boss because of all the overtime I worked a couple weeks ago to help clean up the claims we had. Since I do not shop at Wal-mart, I offered to give it to my parents. My mom would not take it. I offered to sell it to them for forty dollars. My mom said that she wants me to spend it. The good news is, the gift card can ALSO be used at Sam's Club. I know it sounds weird, but I don't boycott Sam's even though I boycott Wal-mart even though they're essentially the same company-- the main reason being that Sam's has a much better track record on employee relations since they have to remain at least somewhat competetive with Costco.
So soon, I will be purchasing some items of bulk goodness. Perhaps some potsticker are in order. And I could definitely use some more individually wrapped chicken breasts (very convenient for a single gal cooking for herself). And some Laughing Cow Cheese. Yes, that sounds good. We'll see what else I get.
I am glad that Christmas is almost here. Because I will be very glad when it is over with. I'm not saying that to be all anti-holiday spirit or Bah-Humbug-y... It's just that all of my gatherings with friends are after Christmas, and I am rather looking forward to spending time with people who love me the way I am-- as cliche as that sounds, it is the truth.
I think that's about all the nothing I can write about right now, so I am going to eat breakfast now-- a cinnamon streusel muffin and perhaps some coffee.