Only 37 and a half more hours...

Less than two more days until D-day. And I mean that quite literally. I am feeling nervous, but not nearly as nervous as I had expected to feel at this point. Last night I had a dream that it had already happened. In the dream, it started right when I was being put to sleep. When I woke up, my mom and dad were there. My dad peeled back my bandages to peek and then said, they look great. I hope you like them. It was kind of creepy. Then after that, we went downstairs to look for something to eat. We took the elevator down, and then we were in a casino. (That's pretty depressing that in my dream, even the hospital had a casino!) Then I decided I didn't feel well enough to eat, so we went back to my room and I went to sleep. Then I rolled over in my dream (as well as in real life) and I freaked out because I was supposed to be sleeping only on my back. That is when I woke up.
Now I'm trying to get my apartment clean for when I come home from my mom's. I am waiting for the dishwasher to get done so that I can go to bed. Then tomorrow, after I get the rest of my cleaning done, I will head out to my mom's house, where we will be doing more cleaning because my mom decided to make our weekly Dancing with the Stars ritual a party of sorts. Usually it's just my mom and I and sometimes my friend Christina, but since it is the night before my surgery, my mom decided to make it a party and invite a few more people. There may be about seven of us watching it.
In other news, since I figure I won't be able to drive to church next week, I asked my mom if she would take me and come with me. I told her that we no longer pray out loud in big groups, which is what freaked her out last time she came with me. Upon hearing that, she agreed to come with me. Yay! My sinister plot has succeeded. The reality of it is that it will be very nice to not show up to church alone and to not sit alone and to not have to work so hard to find someone to do communion with. I know this may sound a bit selfish, and I really don't mean it that way. I really do want my mom to come with me for her sake. But I can still see the advantages for myself. And it will be nice for her to meet all of the people who are more family to me that most of my family. I hope that I feel up to venturing out on Sunday.
I don't think I have anything else to add because my brain is turning into mush due to the lateness of the hour. :) Good night all!

12 days and counting

Only twelve more days until my surgery. If you don't know what I'm talking about, it would be detailed in the posts marked "for ladies only". The rebellious men who are close friends ignored those comments and read them anyway. So if you really want to know, go back and check out those posts.
At any rate, as I get closer and closer, I get even more nervous. But at the same time, I am very excited, and I am very much looking forward to taking up running again in the early part of next year. But despite the excitement, the nerves are the dominant feeling right now. If ya'll could be praying that I would be able to get rest over the next couple of weeks and for the weeks following the surgery. It actually occurs on November 13. Also prayers that it would go well and that I would heal quickly would also be appreciated.
I have lots of lists of things to do between now and then. Things to buy, things to pack to bring to my mom's house, things not to do. And I keep going back to the lists, worried that I'm overlooking some major thing that I need to do beforehand, even though I know that it's just because I am nervous.
In the spirit of change that is happening and is soon to come, I updated my blog colors to reflect the season... I suppose it just means that in a few weeks, after Thanksgiving, I will have to change the colors again to reflect Christmas. Oh well, we'll get to that soon enough...

And I'm still laughing...

So I was getting my evening news update, as I frequently do, from rgj.com when I came across an article about "GodTube". This is apparently supposed to be the Christian version of YouTube. I clicked on the link, just out of curiosity, and I found an add for this website: click here to laugh.

I have no words to express my feelings about that. Just laughter. I hope ya'll enjoy it as much as I did!

Being the Light

So this morning as we all sat in church, a thought occurred to me about being the light. Many times we think that there is only one way of doing things. The problem with this is that when we meet new people who have not yet come to Jesus, we teach them to do things our way. We expect them to look at us for all direction. But the problem with continuously looking directly at a light is that it can cause blind spots in one's vision. Instead, we should be teaching them to look outwards at the world using our light until they find their own. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else, but it makes perfect sense in my head.

The Countdown

If you've been keeping up on my ladies only livejournal, I've written a new post. That is all.

Get the latest scoop!

Coming soon

A new and improved me!

I have posted an update at my ladies only (and males who are bold enough to disregard the "ladies only" warning) livejournal. Check it out.

My Favorite Things.

Today was a day for my favorite things. Yesterday was my uncle's memorial service. I was not by any means close to my uncle. I spent a lot of time at his house as a child, though most of what I remember involves my aunt--he was not there for those memories. What I do remember is watching wrestling with him. Usually I watched with my dad, and when the special events like Wrestlemania came up, my dad, my brother and I all went to my uncle's house to watch the events on pay-per-view. We all went together to watch wrestling at Lawlor. Yes, I am more red-neck than any of you thought possible. I really did watch and enjoy wrestling as a child. I even went so far as to make signs for the trips to Lawlor. I was one of the loudest people there. (Please keep in mind that all of this happened before I was even in high school.) The service was a military service at the cemetery in Fernley. Since it rained/snowed, it had to be move indoors. I did pretty well for most of it since we weren't close. But when they played Taps I lost it. I always cry when I hear Taps. I'm such a sissy. Then again, it was the first time in my life that I think I saw my dad tear up. I didn't see that even when his father died. This was my dad's younger brother. It was somewhat devasting to see my father get upset. My father is the stoic type and doesn't ever show his emotions. To see him stray from this pattern was rather difficult for me.
So anyway, today I woke up and felt like spending an entire day doing things I enjoy. I went for some retail therapy at Target. I mostly only bought things that I needed. Here is what I what I bought:
1 couch cover (originally 99.99)
My Dad's B-day Card
2 boxes Kleenex
1 pkg paper towels
1 pkg toilet paper
1 dress
1 shirt
1 shower curtain.
2 kitchen towels
2 potholders
2 120 pg. notebooks.

The game is: Guess how much I spent on all of these items. I will not reveal it until I've received some guesses.

The next thing that I did today that falls into my favorite things is "blush wine". I may or may not have finished off the entire bottle by myself. And I may or may not have continued to drink after that. I may have actually gotten tipsy. And then I may or may not have proceeded to talk to Becky for about an hour or so, while tipsy. I enjoyed our conversation during which we discussed the honest advantages of living in Nashville rather than in Reno or Vegas as a single female, as we both are.
Here's the catch: I have had dreams about marrying a single individual who is currently in Las Vegas at the age of 33.
I have also have had dreams that lead me to believe that the person that I will eventually marry is not even in Reno. So which dream am I to believe? The one that says that the person that treated me like trash will be the one that I marry at the age of 33... Or the one that says that the person that I will marry does not live in Reno, where I currently live, and have lived for my entire life.
Let me be honest for a moment... I have to say that the option that the person I will marry does not live here is much more tempting. At least then the fact that I have not met a single person who is interested in me for more than sex by the age of 28 is not entirely my fault. At least then, the fact that I spent 6 years in love with someone who didn't love me in return would not destroy all hope I have/had of finding someone, someday. I truly believe I may have better luck outside of Reno. Maybe I'm not meant to live in Reno forever. But how can I ever find out if I never leave?

Come what may

An interesting thing happened this weekend. I have been pondering the idea of buying a condo for a little while now. Every once in a while, I get the urge to look again, just for the heck of it. Yesterday I saw once that I'd be somewhat interested in. Just out of curiosity, I started checking around in other cities to see what I could get for the same amount of money. I discovered that for the same amount of money that I would spend on a mediocre 864 sq ft condo here, I could buy a 1900 sq ft, three bedroom, two bath house with a large yard elsewhere. Where, you might be asking. Nashville. I love Nashville and the cost of living there always makes me wish that I had a reason to live there. Once again, yesterday, I sat discussing with my dad how much I wish I had a reason to live there.
As some of you may know, at one point I did think I might have a reason to live there. I visited a college there about getting a Masters in Creative Writing. I had already been accepted. But when I really thought about it, it wasn't what I really wanted. I didn't want to live an hour outside of Nashville, and I didn't want to settle for a Masters in Creative Writing, when what I really wanted was a Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing. This is where things start to get interesting. Last night, I was talking to Becky, and she was pondering grad school, and I have never really stopped pondering it, but they just have never had the programs that I'm interested in available in a city I'd like to live in. For some reason, I decided to check out the web page for Vanderbilt (in Nashville) and see what masters programs they do have. I'd looked into it before and they didn't have an MFA program. Imagine my surprise when I arrived at their web page to find that beginning Fall of 2008, Vanderbilt University will begin offering an MFA in creative writing.
So, that is a very interesting and exciting prospect, and I have NO IDEA how it will ever happen, but I have faith that it will happen if that is what God has for me.
I just thought I'd let you all know...

When I feel like nothing matters

At all points in my life, there is always a song that seems to suit what I am going through at any given time. Right now, the song that suits my mood is one called "Anyway" by Martina McBride. If you don't like country that's too bad. Please don't comment on your dislike country music on this post because it is irrelevant and has nothing to do with the post and I already know which of you don't like country, so I don't need to hear it again. The lyrics of the song that suits my mood at the moment are as follows:

You can spend your whole life building,

Something from nothing

One storm can come and blow it all away,

Build it anyway

You can chase a dream

That seems so out of reach

And you know it might not ever come your way

Dream it anyway

Chorus

God is great, but sometimes life ain’t good

And when I pray

It doesn’t always turn out like I think it should

But I do it anyway,

I do it anyway

This world’s gone crazy

And it’s hard to believe

That tomorrow will be better than today

Believe it anyway

You can love someone with all your heart,

For all the right reasons,

And in a moment they can choose to walk away

Love ‘em anyway

(Repeat Chorus)

God is great, but sometimes life ain’t good

And when I pray

It doesn’t always turn out like I think it should

But I do it anyway,

I do it anyway

You can pour your soul out singing

A song you believe in

That tomorrow they’ll forget you ever sang

Sing it anyway,

Yeah sing it anyway

I sing, I dream, I love

Anyway

Mostly, the reason why this song is so timely for me is because I actually tend to do the opposite. When I start to think things don't matter, or when I feel like I'm not getting anywhere, I actually just give up. I don't do it anyway. I just stop doing anything. I mostly just sleep and watch TV. Yes, I know, bad habit, blah blah blah. That's why I'm posting the song, as a reminder to myself to do 'it' even though it never seems to change anything. To pray even though my life continues to remain the same. To go to the gym even though it hurts. To keep writing even though I don't think it's any good. To clean even though nobody will see it if I don't. To talk to my friends even though all I think I want is to be alone. I'm trying to work on doing it anyway. On valuing my commitments to myself as much as I value my commitments to others. I would never treat another person the way that I treat myself. If I told someone else that I would meet them somewhere, I would be there, probably early. But if I tell myself that I'm going to do something, I usually just blow it off. This needs to stop. I need to keep my commitments to myself in the same way that I would keep my commitments to others. Only in this way can I keep my commitments to God.

Some thoughts on the Sabbath

This morning I heard a lot of talk about pruning that happened during the sabbath--I did not experience the same pruning. I am usually not lacking in the pruning department. For me, it's usually the regrowth that is so hard. During the sabbath, this is more of what I experienced. I am always cut to the heart when we have talks focused on how beautiful we are as God created us. I've always battled with self-confidence issues, and before the sabbath, I was terrified that it was going to be an incredibly lonely time for me. I thought nobody would want to see me and so I would be spending the whole time alone. But something happened during this time that I didn't count on, or realize. I didn't hate the time that I was alone, but even more, when people that I know mentioned getting together, I truly believed that they wanted to see me. I knew that it wasn't just lip service. I also realized that it was time to let go of a burden I didn't need anymore. For more details on that, you can visit my other blog at spkn4_4ever.livejournal.com. The post there is a cathartic rant of sorts, and if you are easily offended by language, you may not want to go there, but Plucky encouraged me to share it with the Hillside bloggers, so there it is for your perusal if you so choose.
So, in the end, I feel more confident in my ability to make friends, and I have pruned a friendship that was more damaging than anything...