Small Changes

It's no secret that I am not happy with my life. I am happy to be a child of God, but I am not happy with my life. I know I should be content with what I have. I know that I should count my blessings and be thankful that there is no bad excitement. But year after year of no excitement bad or good is beginning to wear on me. I generally deal with this by adding a bit of excitement myself by making small changes. On the outside they appear drastic and sudden (coloring my hair, cutting off 8 inches in one sitting, etc) but even these small changes are contemplated for weeks, maybe even months. These small changes have kept me sane over the last few years
But it's not enough anymore. I have been depressed beyond words for the last few weeks, though I have not kept myself isolated, which used to be my way. I've forced myself out of the house at every opportunity. I wonder if these small changes are necessary because there is actually a big change that I need to make but I'm too afraid to. I didn't know what the big change could be, and it's still not entirely clear, but I think it has something to do with finding a real career. This means I need to decide what I really want to spend my life doing (aside from writing) and start to make a way to do it. Yes, writing is my dream, but I need to take action for it to ever become a possibility-- and I should take advantage of my natural talents in other areas to try to pave the way. I know I've said it before, and I never did anything about it, but now I have another person in my life prompting me.
Last week at work, I got my review. It was good. In fact I was told that my performance is remarkable for a person who's been there for such a short time. And then I was told that I am too smart to be a customer service representative. My manager told me that she expects me to start taking classes again toward a career. She doesn't want me to leave, but she does want what is best for all of her employees. She pressed that there is really no excuse since we do have 5000.00 a year of tuition reimbursement available. And today again, my supervisor asked me why I work in a customer service job, when I'm clearly intelligent Ienough to do so much more. This is a constant internal struggle for me. People tell me that I can do more, but I find myself lacking the confidence to do more. That is why I did not pursue a degree that would lead to a medical career when I started college. It was the only thing that interested me besides writing when I started college, but I was intimidated by the amount of biology required and I told myself I wasn't smart enough--so I decided to pursue my passion thinking that would be enough to get me through my life.

Now hear I am, 4 and a half years after I graduated college and no better off than I was when I started, all because I thought I wasn't smart enough to do anything but pursue my passion. And I've found out that in the real world passion doesn't equate to anything if you don't have the skill. But now it's time to try to prove to the world, and myself that I am smart enough to have a real career. I have no choice-- my boss says so! :) So as soon as I get my bonus from work, it is time to enroll in Math 128 to brush up.

And I dyed my hair again-- I can't cut out the small changes all together!

Good night and good luck.

Too Much Work

Warning: mopey post ahead.

Right now I'm in a period where doing anything but hanging out at home and either sleeping or watching TV is too much work. That doesn't mean I'm not going to do other things. Obviously I HAVE to go to work even though the last time I want to do is talk on the phone all day. I have been praying that this is not obvious to the people I am helping, and I think it's working because more people than usual have actually told me how helpful I am. I don't feel helpful, but perception is everything...
Today I wanted to stay home rather than going to the gigantic humongous dinner or whatever you want to call it. I wanted to stay home despite the fact that I thought we would be sitting at small tables having personal conversations with the people sharing a meal with us. I was disappointed when I arrived and found three MASSIVE tables with people stretched end to end. After all, a crowd is the last thing I feel like dealing with when I'm in this mood. I tried (unsuccessfully) to find the meaningful conversations I had been looking for. While I racked up quite a few hugs, which is common with this crowd, and always helps a little, the whole thing felt a bit impersonal to me. I know that it's just me, that most people enjoy getting together with lots of people all at once. I know it's probably for the best that I made myself get out rather than staying at home moping.
Tomorrow, I will force myself to get out again and my time with the kiddos will be better than staring at the glowing tube of doom with that glazed over look that I get when I don't even care enough to actually follow what I'm watching.
And Thursday I will be going goth. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I'm hoping that making a joke out of the day will make me feel a little bit better. I don't actually care about Valentine's Day and wouldn't want to celebrate it even if I had someone to celebrate it with, but the fact that it's nearly here is causing people to talk even more about their relationships, both positive and negative. I'm finding myself being a jerk and resenting the people who are talking about how great their relationships are, and being disgusted with the people who are talking about how bad their relationships are because they come across as ungrateful. Once again, I am aware that it is me being a jerk and if I wasn't in this mopey depressed mode I probably wouldn't be feeling like that toward people.
And Friday I decided to take the day off from work. Just because. So I'm going to spend the day doing things I enjoy, which will hopefully help get past this crappy phase. I really hate feeling this way and spontaneously crying over stupid crap and not caring about anything and being even more impatient than usual.

And if you actually read this post, I promise that I will not post again until I have something more positive to say. Today I am indulging and posting my depressive rant, and tomorrow perhaps I will delete it, we'll see....

Poison

There are quite a few people in my life who are important to me. Many of them read this blog, but the ones who are related to me do not. There are two of these people whom I love dearly and enjoy the time I spend with each of them. But spending time with them together is poison to me. They are constantly bickering and fighting, even when I am with them. Each of them complains to me about the things that the other does to annoy them. It is unkind and unfair and I hate constantly being in the middle with them. The obvious solution to this would be to not spend time with them together-- unfortunately this is not an option. The constant exposure to this poisonous relationship is bringing me to lows I haven't known for quite some time. I want to run away, but I don't have anywhere to go, let alone the strength to do it. I am also fully aware that running away is not the answer to anything. I think it's time for bed. When I wake up tomorrow it will be a new day with new challenges and hopefully that will bring new hope.

Hooray for Movies!

I have seen six new movies since right before Christmas and it has been quite an odd selection:
1) I Am Legend - Post apocalyptic zombie flick. I was interested to find out if Will Smith could pull off the "I am alone and have nobody to talk to except for my dog" better than Tom Hanks pulled off the "I am alone and have nobody to talk to except for my volleyball". This is not in anyway insulting Tom Hanks, but the movie Castaway could have been 30-45 minutes shorter and it would have been a lot better. I rather enjoyed I Am Legend, but I would have to say that the ending was a bit predictable. I will not go into detail because I don't want to spoil it for anyone who may still want to see it, so if you'd like to discuss it, ask me next time you see me.

2) Sweeney Todd - This may sound a bit morbid, but I watched this movie on Christmas day, and it is one of the best Christmas presents I got this year. Part of my enjoyment with this movie was that we watched a video of the Broadway version EVERY year in theatre class when I was in high school. Another part of my enjoyment was WHO KNEW that Johnny Depp could sing? And of course there's Alan Rickman, of whom I am also a big fan. Another enjoyable aspect is that it's not a traditional musical. Most people think musical and they think fluffy romance and/or fluffy happy ending. This is NOT one of those musicals. The story is completely sick and twisted-- a barber killing people and sending them down a chute to be turned into meat pies... You would never imagine such a story being set to music, but it is.

3) Charlie Wilson's War - This movie was actually a bit depressing. It was a good movie, an okay film (ask me about the distinction) and explained a lot. The trouble is, the further you get into the movie, the more you realize that there is no possible way for it to end well, since it is based on real events. It is more of a thought provoking ending, which for me is a good thing, but for most people does not satisfy. People like to know all the answers, even if they have to be made up.

4) 27 Dresses - This is the type of movie that I would normally see on video, but I went with a friend who is very hard to please when it comes to movies but she does like romantic comedies, so this is what we chose. It was your standard run of the mill happily ever after romantic comedy. I know, big surprise. It was entertaining, I would probably buy it for $5.00 at Blockbuster, but I would not call it a quality film. It's the kind of movie I would watch when I don't feel like thinking. Cute, entertaining, definitely NOT thought provoking.

5) Atonement - This would fall into the quality film category, in my opinion. I don't quite know how to explain my thoughts on this without giving anything away, so I'll just leave it at that. I definitely recommend watching this one.

6) Juno - I went to this movie today because I got my tax return and I've been wanting to see it since BEFORE I saw 27 Dresses. This was my movie choice that night, but my friend didn't really want to see it. So today I went alone so I wouldn't entirely miss my chance. The way that most of the movie was filmed reminded me a bit of Napoleon Dynamite, however the movie was NOTHING like Napoleon Dynamite. It was the type of movie that was laugh out loud funny without being sappy and predictable. I would have to say the best part was the dialogue. Oh yeah, and the hamburger phone. If you want to know more about that you'll have to see the movie.

If anybody else has any movie recommendations for movies that are out right about now, please tell me. I'm in a movie mood recently.

Soup'r Salad Monday

Yesterday was SuperBowl Sunday. Tomorrow is Super Tuesday. So what does that make today?
Soup'r Salad Monday. Personally, I went for soup, though I'm not particularly partial to either--just like yesterday. I cannot say the same is true for tomorrow. Tomorrow, I can guarantee that I will be obsessively checking cnn.com every chance I get while I am at work. And then when I get home, I will immediately turn the television to CNN.

I KNOW that this is completely insane. I don't know what has happened to me. I have become a total political junkie. Ay caramba! I have to admit that in 2000, which was my first presidential election, I was literally yelling at the television as I watched the results came in. It was quite a discouraging year to experience your first presidential election. After that I knew what would happen in 2004 and had absolutely no hope that my vote would matter. I think I am so into it this year, because I actually have hope again that the process will elect the right person this year. That being said, if Hillary Clinton wins the democratic nomination, my hope will be lost again. I know it's probably a terrible thing to say, but I am literally having nightmares about what kind of pattern this would create. There are still Bushes out there who could potentially run, which could lead to a Bush Clinton Bush Clinton Bush cycle... and by the time that's over, Chelsea Clinton will be old enough to run, and who needs that sort of pattern. It's time to break free. No more Bushes or Clintons. Please!

But anyway, tomorrow-- 24 states will decide, and I am terrified about what the results will be. If you hear random screaming from my area of town, don't be alarmed-- just remember that I will be watching the results come in from the 24 states who are voting/caucusing tomorrow.

Good night, and good luck!

Die die die Evil Cold of Doom

Alas, the cold that I have been trying to avoid for weeks has finally descended upon me in full force. I woke up this morning with my eyes crusted shut. Yummy.

And now that all of the negative is out of the way, now on to the positive. At the prompting of someone who gives great advice and who is like family to me, I have found out that all students admitted into the MFA program at Vanderbilt University in Nashville automatically receive a $34000 benefit package which includes tuition, a living stipend as well as a salary for teaching a beginning creative writing course and health insurance. This continues into the second year as long as good progress is made toward the degree.
The real challenge is going to be producing something good enough to be admitted. This is the challenge. Can I do it? Is this what God has in store for me? I guess I will have to start working on the best writing of my life... The difficult part-- what should I use? Is it finally time for my memoir project? I feel like I can write it more objectively now. I have moved past the emotional attachments that were holding me back before. But is it the right choice for my admission package, or is there something else, something better, something less personal that I should be writing about. These are difficult choices to be made, but the knowledge that if this is what God has for me, it will happen is encouraging. I will just have to pray and pray and pray and pray that it will happen and that my best story is yet to come.

And this is for Plucky: Good Night and Good Luck (and this time it's actually night! Can you handle it?)

Caucus Cookies

For anybody who didn't know, today was the day of Nevada's caucus. Now that you are all fully informed, I will now be sharing my caucus experience.

I arrived at Pine Middle school at about 10:45 am (we were supposed to be there by 11 am) and I entered the building. Just inside the door, there was a woman directing people to the appropriate area for their precincts and I was directed to go into the gym. Once I reached the gym, I had to stand in line to check in, which was quite unorganized. The volunteers signing people in (most of whom were wearing Hillary Clinton T-shirts, even though the volunteers were supposed to remain neutral) were QUITE rude. They had tiny signs, not more than 1 1/2 inches tall directing people which line they should be in based on last name, and then they snapped at people when it turned out they were in the wrong line.

Finally, I was signed in and I had my card on which I would be selecting my candidate. I was directed to sit in the section over which my chosen candidate's name appeared. I went to find a seat and the fun began. I found great enjoyment in talking to the other people in my section as well as the lone Kucinich supporter in the section next to ours. As people continued to flow into the gym, it became apparent that in Nevada, there was only hope for two democratic candidates:
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. People tried to find seats, but as more people arrived, they were forced to cannibalize the other sections for seats. By the time everyone had arrived, the Barack Obama section had consumed the entire Kucinich section, as well as half of the Edwards section.

At this point the count began. It was very disorganized. A woman walked around carrying a microphone and directing each person to say a number out loud. This would have been a lot easier if they had just directed people to line up and count rather than trying to keep everyone in a huddled mass. Then we selected a leader for each candidate, and the group leader counted the people in their group. At that point, calculations were made and the candidates were determined to be viable or not viable. While we waited for the calculations to be made, a couple of volunteers with the Barack Obama campaign passed around cookies and juice. I rather enjoyed my caucus cookies. Any candidates with less than 15% of the vote were considered not viable. In my precinct Edwards and Kucinich were determined to be not viable and the people in their groups were directed to either choose another candidate, or to stick to their guns and basically have no impact. Of the nine people who had selected non-viable candidates, three selected Obama, one selected Clinton, and five opted to choose nobody and to just go home.

In the end, Barack Obama won my precinct by 1 delegate. It should have been more-- percentage wise, Barack beat Hillary in my precinct by 8%. Then again, I guess there was never much chance of Washoe County's choice actually being Nevada's choice as well. Clark County pretty much overpowers the rest of the state, and I have to say that in this case, that sucks. If I've never said it before (which I'm sure I have) I'm definitely going to say it now: I REALLY DO NOT LIKE LAS VEGAS!!!

And that, my friends, is my tale of caucusing. Good night and good luck.

A little less contemplation...

A little more poetry!

It's been a while since I've posted a poem here, and for good reason-- I've been in quite the dry spell. I decided that if I'm ever going to get out of it, I'll have to force my way out, and so here is the first blow of the pick-ax that will break me out of my writing depression:

Countdown

Tick Tock

Time wasted on a mindless task.

Sucked in by a glowing screen

while I watch somebody else’s life

too scared to live my own

Tick Tock

My dreams so far in the past

I’ve forgotten what they mean

to me. Forgotten what it feels like

to live for dreams alone

Tick Tock

My doubts have recently amassed

in dark corners still unseen

leaving me with barely any light

to carve my name in stone

Tick Tock

Time is running out at last

for what I could have been.

The time has come to cross that line

to who I will become.

The wife I could never be...

I have a fear that has only just been revealed to me. I am afraid to get married. Those of you who know me probably find this quite difficult to believe because you know how much I want a family of my own, but just continue reading and all will become clear. I am 28 years old and most days I feel like an old maid because I'm not married yet. This is because in Christian culture in general girls get married young. Yes, I did intend to use the word girls because at 20 and 21 I really don't think we are truly women yet. This is not intended to be judgmental in any way, it's just the way I see things. I also am not putting myself down. In fact most times, I feel a great amount of relief to be single, though this is intermingled with a desire to hurry up and meet somebody to create a family with. My heart feels a great amount of relief to be single. My brain thinks it would be much nicer to be married. My brain thinks about the advantages of a dual income household (would I finally have a home that's not rented) and how much easier it is to cook for two than it is for one (the actual act is not any easier, but the knowledge that there's someone else to enjoy it makes it more fulfilling) and how it is a necessity before I can have children (watching other peoples' children is both my greatest source of joy and my greatest source of sorrow) and how there would always be someone to talk to about all things, good or bad.

My heart, on the other hand, still cannot ponder the thought of marriage because of my life's experiences. I once thought I knew who I was going to marry. I loved him despite the fact that he had never shown that sort of interest in me. I convinced myself for 5 years that he would eventually come around and I finally had to let that go. If by some miracle he did at any time in the future decide that he wanted me back in his life, sincerely and completely, then I would be willing to consider that and I still would not be afraid, but in general with the rest of the population, I am still afraid. I know that if I met the right person, I would no longer be afraid, but I wonder if the fear is evident. If it's somehow holding me back.

One might wonder why I am so afraid. I am afraid that the odds are against me because of my family's history. Both of my parents were married and divorced once before they met each other. While they have been married for nearly 30 years, it seems that they remain together out of complacency rather than love. They don't communicate when something is wrong. My mother yells while my father just goes along with it to keep her from getting even more angry. My father is capable of communication--I do it with him all the time. But most of the time I don't share anything deep with my mother because I am afraid that she won't take me seriously.
That alone probably makes me damaged good for anyone who tries to take me in. But it is not the only thing that comprises my fear of marriage. There is also the fact that of my five siblings (four are half siblings), four of them have been married and divorced at least once. One of them has lived with AT LEAST twenty men in my remembrances and has four children, each with a different father. These are the role models for relationships I have had. While I have found new, more reliable role models within the church family, I cannot deny that my blood family has had some effect on me. The final reason for my fear of marriage comes from my one full brother. As many of the bloggers know, I was part of his wedding last year. He was married to his high school sweetheart after they'd been together for six years. After they were married his wife became considerable more selfish than she had been before. She has done and said a lot of things that have caused a lot of hurt to our family, whether it is intended or not-- because while my family may not communicate well, we are fiercely loyal. When someone is harming one of ours, we become VERY protective and defensive no matter what his or her flaws may be. She has placed one of her guy friends in a higher position of importance in her life than my brother on several occasions and this is not okay. This is what I fear for myself. I fear that I will end up with someone who doesn't cherish me the way I deserve to be cherished. I fear that I will end up just as lonely married as I have been single. I fear being emotionally abandoned. Perhaps that is ridiculous, but based on my history, it is with good cause.
Then again, perhaps after all the time I have waited and have yet to wait, and because I have seen the kind of wife I could never be and the kind of husband I could not have, perhaps this will be the difference that will matter. Perhaps this will rescue me from the relational chaos that my family history would doom me too if not for God's grace.

Game Night with Barack Obama

Okay, so last night I had quite a strange dream. I was at somebody's house, I'm not sure whose, and we were having a game night. The house felt strangely familiar in the dream, but now that I am awake, I cannot identify it. There were quite a few people at the house, intermixed from different parts of my life as usual, plus some I didn't know. Some of my family members were there and also some church friends, and all were mingling together during the games as if they'd all known each other for years.
At one point I got up to get something to drink from the stainless steel refrigerator and there was a girl there I didn't know. She started talking about the blogs and she said, "And then there's that Jeni girl. Her blogs are SOOO boring."
I spoke up and said, "Hey, that's me!"
And her response was a flippant, "I know."
Right about that time, the board game ended and everyone started gathering in the kitchen to get some snacks in between games. We were all chatting and getting ready to head back to the table when there was a brief tap on the door. Before anybody can get over to let our guest in, the door opened and in walked Barack Obama. Everyone looked at him, astounded, not really certain that he was really there.
When he finally opened his mouth to speak, he said, "What's the matter? Did you think I didn't know about these things?"
He sat down at the table, as did his wife and children, and he motioned for all of us to join him.

And then I woke up. That was interesting...