Today was a busy, but a rather productive day... In the morning, we participated in Community Service Day at the Food Bank for work. I was still feeling a little bit stressed out because there was a decent amount of cleaning left to do at the old apartment. It wasn't too bad, because I knew everything would get done, but I still dreaded going back to there. My old apartment was kind of a place of hopelessness and discouragement because so many things went wrong in my life while I lived there. I didn't really realize it until I'd spent a couple of nights in my new apartment, but the old apartment was filled with negative energy. It was dark and dreary. Once I went back there after spending time in my new apartment, I felt a definite difference. Walking into that old apartment made me feel sad all over again. It sucked the life right out of me. I had been surviving there for a couple of years, but the reality is, I wasn't really LIVING there. Basically, it was a storage unit with a bedroom. I kept my stuff there and I slept there, and that was about it. Anything of any significance, anything pleasant or enjoyable that I've done for the past two years was done outside of that apartment. I can honestly say that I did not enjoy much of the time that I spent there. It wasn't all miserable, but it was definitely not pleasant.
Today, I got the last of my stuff out of that place and into the new place. All that's left to do is to finish the oven (the oven cleaner had to sit overnight) and mop the floors. Then I can turn in my keys and be done with that chapter of my life once and for all. There is still a ton of work to do at my new apartment, but I am feeling encouraged that it will get done fairly quickly and then I will have the opportunity to celebrate this new beginning and bring joy into this place. I actually have room to entertain and I fully intend to take advantage of that. I intend to have this be a place where I can enjoy spending time, where I actually LIVE rather than just a place where I sleep, eat and bathe. I look forward to spending evenings here with friends and family members. I look forward to the future that I have in this home regardless of how long or short my time here is. I intend to enjoy every day I spend here. And if you want to be part of this, just let me know - there is still beer in the fridge at the moment.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
Must Be Doing Something Right
The way I see it, I really must be doing something right, because so many things are going wrong. It's been an interesting moving experience so far. Saturday was moving day and the people who showed up to help me were the three most important men in my life (and also my brother's girlfriend). Nobody else, just them. So Thursday night, I got practically zero sleep, which meant that I was completely unproductive on Friday and did not really get much done in the way of packing. All of the books and other items that had been packed earlier were already moved on Friday, but Saturday was a fiasco. Without my mom's skill at organizing and directing, very little of what needed to get done actually wound up getting done. I am overwhelmed and feeling like everything is not going to get done. I keep saying that I wish that I could just burn everything in my old apartment so that I don't have to deal with it. Obviously I don't really mean it, but I feel lost and I don't know what to do with all of the random piles of stuff that I managed to accumulate and that I never dealt with.
The funny thing is, that this is a great analogy for our relationships with God. As we look to move forward- to be changed, to have a new beginning- we expect things to be easy. We expect the change to happen right away - we expect to make the decision to make a new start and to have the junk from our pasts to completely disappear. But that's not how it works. Just because we choose a new life, a new beginning, does not mean that the problems of the past are gone. We still have to deal with all of the garbage that we've let build up, the difference is that with God we are better equipped to deal with it.
The message from church on Sunday keeps running through my head - there is one particular thing that stood out to me, and it was the point that we are completely willing to trust God with our live and our salvation, which is a huge thing, and yet we aren't willing to trust Him with the little things in our lives, the mundane things that make up our day to day. I'm trying to remind myself to trust Him with the little things rather than freaking out over how little time I have left to get finished cleaning out my old apartment. I'm having a really hard time with that, especially after today. I was going to skip Weight Watchers so that my dad and I would have more time to get things done (since my dad is the one person that I can ALWAYS depend on) and when I went to leave work, my car would not start. The battery was dead. Worse, the battery is located in a funky place, so the tire had to come off so that it could be replaced. So instead of working on getting the junk at my old apartment cleaned up, my dad and I ended up at Pep Boys getting my battery fixed. So now I have even less time to get things done. And I'm still as inept at this as I always was. On the positive, only 23 more days left until vacation
The funny thing is, that this is a great analogy for our relationships with God. As we look to move forward- to be changed, to have a new beginning- we expect things to be easy. We expect the change to happen right away - we expect to make the decision to make a new start and to have the junk from our pasts to completely disappear. But that's not how it works. Just because we choose a new life, a new beginning, does not mean that the problems of the past are gone. We still have to deal with all of the garbage that we've let build up, the difference is that with God we are better equipped to deal with it.
The message from church on Sunday keeps running through my head - there is one particular thing that stood out to me, and it was the point that we are completely willing to trust God with our live and our salvation, which is a huge thing, and yet we aren't willing to trust Him with the little things in our lives, the mundane things that make up our day to day. I'm trying to remind myself to trust Him with the little things rather than freaking out over how little time I have left to get finished cleaning out my old apartment. I'm having a really hard time with that, especially after today. I was going to skip Weight Watchers so that my dad and I would have more time to get things done (since my dad is the one person that I can ALWAYS depend on) and when I went to leave work, my car would not start. The battery was dead. Worse, the battery is located in a funky place, so the tire had to come off so that it could be replaced. So instead of working on getting the junk at my old apartment cleaned up, my dad and I ended up at Pep Boys getting my battery fixed. So now I have even less time to get things done. And I'm still as inept at this as I always was. On the positive, only 23 more days left until vacation
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Wish You Were Here
Things have been kind of an emotional roller coaster. I've been worrying about some people who are close to me because of things that they are going through, while at the same time, things seem to be on the up-swing in my own life. I am moving in a little over a week to a bigger and nicer apartment. Good things are happening in other areas of life as well. I am excited, and yet extremely emotional. I've never moved without my mom's help, and I feel disoriented about the whole experience. I know that I'm an adult and shouldn't need my mom's help to move, but to be honest, my whole life is changing in every aspect all at the same time and it seems wrong that I cannot share these changes with her. I won't have her expertise in packing glass items to make sure that nothing gets broken in the move. She won't be there with boat loads of food trying to feed anyone and everyone who shows up to help. She won't be there giving directions and shouting at the men to be careful not to break something. At the same time, I want so badly to tell her about the exciting things that are happening in my dating life. Things are going well, and I'm really happy. I don't know where things are going for sure, but what I do know, is that for once I have hope.
When she passed away, for almost a year, I struggled to let go of the feeling that I had let her down because she didn't get to see me get married, that I wasn't able to make her a grandmother which is something that she wanted more than anything else. I felt like I was a disappointment because I couldn't even give her a glimmer of hope that these things might actually happen some day. I made myself sick because I had convinced myself that because I refused to settle, because I was not willing to pretend to be someone that I'm not, that it was my fault that I was still alone and that despite all of my accomplishments, I was still a disappointment to my mother because I had failed to make her a grandmother. I know it is not true. I know that these were lies from the enemy trying to get me to pull away from people and isolate myself. But I still desperately want to be able to share my current happiness with her. I want her to be able to meet the first person who has made me feel like I'm important while also making me feel like I'm not settling. So it's bitter sweet. So I'm getting emotional a lot despite the fact that I actually am happy.
Today it was a little thing that pushed me over the edge. At work, we were talking about getting Easter baskets and I said that I didn't get an Easter basket - but that I used to get one every year. In later years the Easter basket came with a package of Ferrer Rocher chocolates and a Starbucks gift card, plus some Easter kitty treats for my cat. Now, not only do I have to buy my own chocolates, but my cat no longer gets spoiled either. We're both missing out without my mom around. So when we were talking about Easter baskets, I got emotional and cried at work for the second time today (please note, I do note advocate crying at work -but sometimes it just happens) - not because I really miss getting an Easter basket, but because I miss having someone think about me the way my mom thought about me - and everyone else.
I know it's been almost two years, but as everything is changing I find myself terrified at facing this new world that my life is becoming without her guidance and advice. And sometimes I just need her to hold me while I cry.
When she passed away, for almost a year, I struggled to let go of the feeling that I had let her down because she didn't get to see me get married, that I wasn't able to make her a grandmother which is something that she wanted more than anything else. I felt like I was a disappointment because I couldn't even give her a glimmer of hope that these things might actually happen some day. I made myself sick because I had convinced myself that because I refused to settle, because I was not willing to pretend to be someone that I'm not, that it was my fault that I was still alone and that despite all of my accomplishments, I was still a disappointment to my mother because I had failed to make her a grandmother. I know it is not true. I know that these were lies from the enemy trying to get me to pull away from people and isolate myself. But I still desperately want to be able to share my current happiness with her. I want her to be able to meet the first person who has made me feel like I'm important while also making me feel like I'm not settling. So it's bitter sweet. So I'm getting emotional a lot despite the fact that I actually am happy.
Today it was a little thing that pushed me over the edge. At work, we were talking about getting Easter baskets and I said that I didn't get an Easter basket - but that I used to get one every year. In later years the Easter basket came with a package of Ferrer Rocher chocolates and a Starbucks gift card, plus some Easter kitty treats for my cat. Now, not only do I have to buy my own chocolates, but my cat no longer gets spoiled either. We're both missing out without my mom around. So when we were talking about Easter baskets, I got emotional and cried at work for the second time today (please note, I do note advocate crying at work -but sometimes it just happens) - not because I really miss getting an Easter basket, but because I miss having someone think about me the way my mom thought about me - and everyone else.
I know it's been almost two years, but as everything is changing I find myself terrified at facing this new world that my life is becoming without her guidance and advice. And sometimes I just need her to hold me while I cry.
Wednesday, April 04, 2012
Finding Fitness and Learning to Rest - A Journey
I have been working very hard over the last few years to get healthy, and it's just within the last year that things have really fallen into place. If you haven't really kept up with me during this time here's what I've been up to. You may or may not know that in 2010 I did a 60 day challenge of Bikram Yoga. 60 classes in 60 days. That was the first time I really put myself first in anything. I used to try to work out, but it would always be whenever I found time, which wasn't very often. It helped me to lose my first 27 pounds, but then I got stuck and wouldn't budge, so I decided it was time to try making a commitment to myself and actually keeping it. While I would never flake on a commitment to someone else, I had no problem flaking on my commitments to myself. So I made this decision, this commitment to do this 60 day challenge of yoga, and finishing it really did change my mindset - it showed me that I could honor a commitment to myself, that I was worth it.
Despite the sweat that I shed during that challenge, I didn't lose a single pound. I was still stuck. And things only got worse. The day after I finished my challenge was the day that my mom went into the hospital and passed away a month later. After that, I gained about 5 pounds in two weeks. But my dad had decided that he wanted to get healthy also, so we joined a gym and got a trainer. Over the first couple of months we did that, my dad last about 20 pounds, but I was STILL stuck. I started working toward running my first 10K, and I ran the Turkey Trot that year. And I was STILL stuck. Then the holidays came, which really didn't help matters. My dad and I were still going to the gym six days a week and guess what? I was STILL stuck.
And then the new year came, and right after that, our trip to Hawaii to scatter some of my mom's ashes. After the trip, I felt like I had nothing to look forward to, and I stopped working quite as hard because it wasn't making a bit of difference. I had been working hard for over a year - harder than I had been when I lost the first 27 pounds - and I didn't see the point of working that hard and getting nothing. And so I started slacking off. I still went to the gym with my dad three or four days a week, but I was just eating whatever was convenient which was not usually very healthy.
I gained back 10 pounds over the next couple of months and found myself back up over the number that I had never wanted to see again. I decided that I needed to do a boot camp of some sort. I would commit to that boot camp, and hopefully I would get back on track, and even more, hopefully I would get past the point where I'd been stuck before.
Enter CrossFit. I had been searching for boot camps, had pretty much decided on one and was just waiting until I had the money for it, and then one day there was a Groupon for a CrossFit "boot camp". I had no idea what CrossFit was at the time, but it had the words "boot camp" and with the Groupon, it seemed like it was going to be a good deal. So I bought it - the first step in renewing my commitment to getting healthy.
When I started, I was kind of middle of the pack in my boot camp class, which was really just a two week introduction to the movements that were common in CrossFit. I intended to do the four weeks covered by the Groupon and be done with it, but after a month, I had lost a little bit of weight and wanted to give it more time, so I made a one year commitment (gulp) and plunged in. After the 4 week period was over, most of the Groupon-ers who had started with me decided not to continue and I found myself surrounded by people who were far more fit than me. And I am extremely competitive. My first goal was to always finish, and my second was to try not to finish last. I always finished, but many times I finished last. It was humbling because I knew if I was in the shape I had once been in, this would not be the case. But I kept going and even when I was FAAARRR behind everyone else, I finished, and often I cried because I was ashamed of what I'd let myself become.
Around the same time I joined Weight Watchers because I got a discount through work and I have always functioned better when I'm being held accountable. And having to get weighed once a week definitely held me accountable. So with the combination of CrossFit and Weight Watchers, I was able to get past the point where I had been stuck before. The first week below that number, I shrugged it off, considered it a fluke, but after going down two more weeks I started to believe that I could actually be un-stuck. During the process I set small goals for myself. My first goal was to get to a size twelve pants by my birthday so that I could buy a pair of jeans from Express since that's where I used to buy my jeans when I started college. After that I bought size 10 goal jeans from the Goodwill Store. Then size 8 goal jeans. All the while, the ultimate goal was to fit in my high school senior prom dress again so that I can wear it on one of the formal nights on the cruise my dad and I are going on in May.
As of right now, I have lost 50 pounds since last May, 67 pounds over all, and my size 8 goal jeans all fit. I have a couple pairs of size six jeans that fit. And the dress, well, it still doesn't fit, but I haven't given up. I may not get there, but I won't be too upset because I haven't been in single digit sizes since high school, so regardless of whether I can wear that dress, I still feel fabulous.
My journey is not complete yet. I haven't reached my goal, yet, but I believe that I will. But I also need to learn that it's okay to rest. In fact it's actually important to rest. My mind still seems to believe that a day of rest will ruin everything. That if I take one day off, I will suddenly be back to my old self overnight. My mind still believes that I am big. I sometimes look at my jeans and think that they are way to small for me. When I got rid of my size 14 and 16 jeans, I had to try on every pair because when I looked at them, I thought that they should still fit. I need to remind myself that one day is not going to ruin everything. One day of resting, one day of splurging, whatever it may be. One day is okay as long as it doesn't turn into two, or three or thirty. So I'm continuing on my journey, enjoying every minute of getting fit, and trying to be patient with myself, trying to be kind to my body.
Despite the sweat that I shed during that challenge, I didn't lose a single pound. I was still stuck. And things only got worse. The day after I finished my challenge was the day that my mom went into the hospital and passed away a month later. After that, I gained about 5 pounds in two weeks. But my dad had decided that he wanted to get healthy also, so we joined a gym and got a trainer. Over the first couple of months we did that, my dad last about 20 pounds, but I was STILL stuck. I started working toward running my first 10K, and I ran the Turkey Trot that year. And I was STILL stuck. Then the holidays came, which really didn't help matters. My dad and I were still going to the gym six days a week and guess what? I was STILL stuck.
And then the new year came, and right after that, our trip to Hawaii to scatter some of my mom's ashes. After the trip, I felt like I had nothing to look forward to, and I stopped working quite as hard because it wasn't making a bit of difference. I had been working hard for over a year - harder than I had been when I lost the first 27 pounds - and I didn't see the point of working that hard and getting nothing. And so I started slacking off. I still went to the gym with my dad three or four days a week, but I was just eating whatever was convenient which was not usually very healthy.
I gained back 10 pounds over the next couple of months and found myself back up over the number that I had never wanted to see again. I decided that I needed to do a boot camp of some sort. I would commit to that boot camp, and hopefully I would get back on track, and even more, hopefully I would get past the point where I'd been stuck before.
Enter CrossFit. I had been searching for boot camps, had pretty much decided on one and was just waiting until I had the money for it, and then one day there was a Groupon for a CrossFit "boot camp". I had no idea what CrossFit was at the time, but it had the words "boot camp" and with the Groupon, it seemed like it was going to be a good deal. So I bought it - the first step in renewing my commitment to getting healthy.
When I started, I was kind of middle of the pack in my boot camp class, which was really just a two week introduction to the movements that were common in CrossFit. I intended to do the four weeks covered by the Groupon and be done with it, but after a month, I had lost a little bit of weight and wanted to give it more time, so I made a one year commitment (gulp) and plunged in. After the 4 week period was over, most of the Groupon-ers who had started with me decided not to continue and I found myself surrounded by people who were far more fit than me. And I am extremely competitive. My first goal was to always finish, and my second was to try not to finish last. I always finished, but many times I finished last. It was humbling because I knew if I was in the shape I had once been in, this would not be the case. But I kept going and even when I was FAAARRR behind everyone else, I finished, and often I cried because I was ashamed of what I'd let myself become.
Around the same time I joined Weight Watchers because I got a discount through work and I have always functioned better when I'm being held accountable. And having to get weighed once a week definitely held me accountable. So with the combination of CrossFit and Weight Watchers, I was able to get past the point where I had been stuck before. The first week below that number, I shrugged it off, considered it a fluke, but after going down two more weeks I started to believe that I could actually be un-stuck. During the process I set small goals for myself. My first goal was to get to a size twelve pants by my birthday so that I could buy a pair of jeans from Express since that's where I used to buy my jeans when I started college. After that I bought size 10 goal jeans from the Goodwill Store. Then size 8 goal jeans. All the while, the ultimate goal was to fit in my high school senior prom dress again so that I can wear it on one of the formal nights on the cruise my dad and I are going on in May.
As of right now, I have lost 50 pounds since last May, 67 pounds over all, and my size 8 goal jeans all fit. I have a couple pairs of size six jeans that fit. And the dress, well, it still doesn't fit, but I haven't given up. I may not get there, but I won't be too upset because I haven't been in single digit sizes since high school, so regardless of whether I can wear that dress, I still feel fabulous.
My journey is not complete yet. I haven't reached my goal, yet, but I believe that I will. But I also need to learn that it's okay to rest. In fact it's actually important to rest. My mind still seems to believe that a day of rest will ruin everything. That if I take one day off, I will suddenly be back to my old self overnight. My mind still believes that I am big. I sometimes look at my jeans and think that they are way to small for me. When I got rid of my size 14 and 16 jeans, I had to try on every pair because when I looked at them, I thought that they should still fit. I need to remind myself that one day is not going to ruin everything. One day of resting, one day of splurging, whatever it may be. One day is okay as long as it doesn't turn into two, or three or thirty. So I'm continuing on my journey, enjoying every minute of getting fit, and trying to be patient with myself, trying to be kind to my body.
Monday, April 02, 2012
The Best Version of Me
It has been almost a year since my last blog post, and yet my blog is still here. I am so glad, because reading through it, I am reminded that for the most part my blog has been a place that I come to release all of the pain and hurt that I've felt. It has rarely been a place of joy and celebration, but I think it's time to change that.
I have recently started dating somebody, and for the first time in my life, there is somebody that I like who also likes me in return. It is a new and amazing experience and it takes my breath away every day to discover that someone truly does like me for me. I'm also discovering a lot about myself and my expectations.
As many of you know, (as if many are reading this - but that is beside the point) I spent six years thinking that I knew who I was going to marry. Letting that go nearly broke me, and yet at the same time it made me stronger for bigger battles that were yet to come. Looking back on those six years, I now realize that I spent a lot of time trying to change, trying to make myself into a person that he would like. I wanted to be a better person (in other words, someone other than me) so that he would look at me and choose me.
Fast forward to now. Now that I am actually dating someone, I find that I want to be better at all of the things that I already do. All of the things that I already love. All of the things that make me ME. I want to become the best me that I can be. Because I've found someone who like me as I am, I just want to be a better version of me, rather than wanting to be a better person (ie, someone other than me). When I realized this the other night, I realized how freeing it is to feel like I don't have to give up the things that are me, nor do I have to pretend to like things that are not me.
So here I am, returning to my formerly melancholy blog, to share a little bit of joy. If any of my friends are actually reading this, thank you so much for not smothering me with a pillow for being so darn depressing for all of those years. And thank you for many years of love and encouragement.
Until Next Time!
I have recently started dating somebody, and for the first time in my life, there is somebody that I like who also likes me in return. It is a new and amazing experience and it takes my breath away every day to discover that someone truly does like me for me. I'm also discovering a lot about myself and my expectations.
As many of you know, (as if many are reading this - but that is beside the point) I spent six years thinking that I knew who I was going to marry. Letting that go nearly broke me, and yet at the same time it made me stronger for bigger battles that were yet to come. Looking back on those six years, I now realize that I spent a lot of time trying to change, trying to make myself into a person that he would like. I wanted to be a better person (in other words, someone other than me) so that he would look at me and choose me.
Fast forward to now. Now that I am actually dating someone, I find that I want to be better at all of the things that I already do. All of the things that I already love. All of the things that make me ME. I want to become the best me that I can be. Because I've found someone who like me as I am, I just want to be a better version of me, rather than wanting to be a better person (ie, someone other than me). When I realized this the other night, I realized how freeing it is to feel like I don't have to give up the things that are me, nor do I have to pretend to like things that are not me.
So here I am, returning to my formerly melancholy blog, to share a little bit of joy. If any of my friends are actually reading this, thank you so much for not smothering me with a pillow for being so darn depressing for all of those years. And thank you for many years of love and encouragement.
Until Next Time!
Sunday, May 08, 2011
A Choice
I knew that today was going to be a rough day, being the first Mother's Day without my mom. Mother's Day for the past few years had already been hard for me, because it meant another year of seeing people around me celebrating the gift of motherhood which is something that I have been wanting so desperately and fear that will never come. This year I knew that part would still be there, in the back of my mind, but that mostly it would just be crappy in general because I no longer have someone here to celebrate. I know that I can celebrate her anyway, but it's just not the same. It has been building for a couple of weeks as the e-mails and television commercials and billboards advertising mothers day specials have been growing exponentially. My emotions had been mostly peaceful prior to this last couple of weeks, but I knew that it was going to change.
I considered staying at home, isolating myself, but I made a choice. I decided that it was better to go and cry with my chosen family, than to sit at home and cry alone, or even worse, to hide everything away for the sake of my birth family. It turned out to be a very good choice. Yes, seeing everybody with their mothers, hearing them talk about their mothers, was painful. But acknowledging that pain will only make me stronger. I know that even though my mom is not here anymore, she would still want me to be happy. Now I just have to convince myself that being happy, having joy, does not mean that I don't miss her. The choice now it to continue mourning life without her or to celebrate who she was and who she has helped me to become. I think I choose the latter.
I considered staying at home, isolating myself, but I made a choice. I decided that it was better to go and cry with my chosen family, than to sit at home and cry alone, or even worse, to hide everything away for the sake of my birth family. It turned out to be a very good choice. Yes, seeing everybody with their mothers, hearing them talk about their mothers, was painful. But acknowledging that pain will only make me stronger. I know that even though my mom is not here anymore, she would still want me to be happy. Now I just have to convince myself that being happy, having joy, does not mean that I don't miss her. The choice now it to continue mourning life without her or to celebrate who she was and who she has helped me to become. I think I choose the latter.
Monday, May 02, 2011
Letter to Me
It is funny that I should feel so bored and discontent most days, because there truly is a lot going on most days, and I really have accomplished a lot in the last year. The purpose of this post is mostly to remind myself so that I can be encouraged and reminded that I am capable of most anything I set my mind to, as long as my heart is in it. It takes the form of a letter to myself, and since probably nobody except for me will read it, it shouldn't be too awkward... :)
Dear Jeni,
Here are the things that you have done in the last year that you can be proud of:
1) You survived. Plain and simple. Despite devastating loss, you muddled through and became a stronger person for it. You are a fighter, and don't let yourself think otherwise.
2) Your first act of keeping a commitment to yourself - the 60 day yoga challenge. Yes, it seems like so much more than a year ago, but really, that's all it's been since you were getting rolling on that. You stuck to it - took the time for yourself every day. It's time to find something and do that again. You are worth it.
3) National Novel Writing Month - This was the seventh or eighth year that you've started something with the goal of writing 50,000 words in a month and this time you made it. Now, you just have to set aside some time to finish the story that you started. Your heart desperately wants to finish it, and there is no reason to be afraid. Even if you cannot sell your novel, you'll still have written one. Finish this one, then move onto another. And another. It is your dream and your heart and you will not ever know how many lives might be touched by your writing if you never put it out there, if you never try.
4) Who knew that you could become a runner? All of your previous attempts involved alternating running and walking, but once you learned that it was okay to run slow, that you didn't have to be ashamed that you weren't the fastest, you found your groove. So you don't run fast enough to be considered competitive, but right now you're just competing with yourself. You have worked your way up to 6 miles, which is so exciting- 6 miles without walking really is something to be proud of, no matter what the lies in your head try to tell you. Now it's time to get in gear and start working your way up to 13.1. I know right now, September seems pretty far off, but if you delay, it will be here in the blink of an eye and you will be unprepared. Remember. You can do it.
5) You have taken a leap of faith and completed the paper work necessary to get pre-approved for a home loan. I know that it is unnerving waiting for an answer, but have faith. Have faith that God will take care of you no matter where this journey leads. Have faith that God knows what is best for you and that His timing is perfect. If this doesn't work out, it just means that the time isn't right. And if there is work to be done before you can be approved, you can do it. You can pay off your student loans.
6) You have ventured out into the world of dating again. So the ventures have been completely unsuccessful, but you have held tight to your values. It would be so easy to settle for someone just so you could have someone, but God has promised you the best and you will not settle for less. You are strong for holding out for what you know is right, for not compromising on the things that are important, and because of this, when the time is right, your marriage and your family will be a success. I know it is hard to believe this when you're watching everybody around you build the family you desperately desire, but when the time comes, it will be so much more precious, so much more valuable because of your wait. You will be rewarded for your patience.
Please know that you are so much stronger, so much more talented, so much more loved than you give yourself credit for. Never forget that when you let your passion for life take over, you can do anything, you can be anything. You are a representative of God and with that you have a responsibility to live life to the fullest. That means not hiding in corners or holing up in your apartment like a hermit. It means taking care of yourself so that you can take care of others and it means getting out there and loving the people you encounter. It is true that some people are jerks, but chances are the thing they need most is love, so think about that before you retort back in an equally jerk-like fashion.
You are loved, therefore you must also love. Love yourself (but not in an egotistical sort of way) and love all who you come in contact with, even if they don't deserve it. That's not your call.
May God's love be with you,
Jeni
Dear Jeni,
Here are the things that you have done in the last year that you can be proud of:
1) You survived. Plain and simple. Despite devastating loss, you muddled through and became a stronger person for it. You are a fighter, and don't let yourself think otherwise.
2) Your first act of keeping a commitment to yourself - the 60 day yoga challenge. Yes, it seems like so much more than a year ago, but really, that's all it's been since you were getting rolling on that. You stuck to it - took the time for yourself every day. It's time to find something and do that again. You are worth it.
3) National Novel Writing Month - This was the seventh or eighth year that you've started something with the goal of writing 50,000 words in a month and this time you made it. Now, you just have to set aside some time to finish the story that you started. Your heart desperately wants to finish it, and there is no reason to be afraid. Even if you cannot sell your novel, you'll still have written one. Finish this one, then move onto another. And another. It is your dream and your heart and you will not ever know how many lives might be touched by your writing if you never put it out there, if you never try.
4) Who knew that you could become a runner? All of your previous attempts involved alternating running and walking, but once you learned that it was okay to run slow, that you didn't have to be ashamed that you weren't the fastest, you found your groove. So you don't run fast enough to be considered competitive, but right now you're just competing with yourself. You have worked your way up to 6 miles, which is so exciting- 6 miles without walking really is something to be proud of, no matter what the lies in your head try to tell you. Now it's time to get in gear and start working your way up to 13.1. I know right now, September seems pretty far off, but if you delay, it will be here in the blink of an eye and you will be unprepared. Remember. You can do it.
5) You have taken a leap of faith and completed the paper work necessary to get pre-approved for a home loan. I know that it is unnerving waiting for an answer, but have faith. Have faith that God will take care of you no matter where this journey leads. Have faith that God knows what is best for you and that His timing is perfect. If this doesn't work out, it just means that the time isn't right. And if there is work to be done before you can be approved, you can do it. You can pay off your student loans.
6) You have ventured out into the world of dating again. So the ventures have been completely unsuccessful, but you have held tight to your values. It would be so easy to settle for someone just so you could have someone, but God has promised you the best and you will not settle for less. You are strong for holding out for what you know is right, for not compromising on the things that are important, and because of this, when the time is right, your marriage and your family will be a success. I know it is hard to believe this when you're watching everybody around you build the family you desperately desire, but when the time comes, it will be so much more precious, so much more valuable because of your wait. You will be rewarded for your patience.
Please know that you are so much stronger, so much more talented, so much more loved than you give yourself credit for. Never forget that when you let your passion for life take over, you can do anything, you can be anything. You are a representative of God and with that you have a responsibility to live life to the fullest. That means not hiding in corners or holing up in your apartment like a hermit. It means taking care of yourself so that you can take care of others and it means getting out there and loving the people you encounter. It is true that some people are jerks, but chances are the thing they need most is love, so think about that before you retort back in an equally jerk-like fashion.
You are loved, therefore you must also love. Love yourself (but not in an egotistical sort of way) and love all who you come in contact with, even if they don't deserve it. That's not your call.
May God's love be with you,
Jeni
Saturday, April 30, 2011
What happened to my heart?
We'll just say that this last year has done a real number on it-- and along the way, it seems to have gotten lost. I am still aware of it. I know that it's there--it reminds me when I experience a particularly harsh disappointment--but it's almost like I'm trying to ignore it, to numb it. And in the process I've lost all discipline for taking care of myself. Yes, I still go to work because other people expect me to be there, but my heart isn't in it. I still go to the gym with my day, because he expects me to be there, but I don't put the effort in anymore. I don't care what I eat, or how messy my apartment gets. My head knows that all of these things are a problem, but it can't convince my body or my heart to do anything about it.
I feel like I've been losing touch, like I've been trying so hard to just get through, to just get by, and in the process, I've stopped depending on God, and I've stopped depending on the people I love, and this is why everything is falling apart. I know that I need to allow my friends to come beside me and help me. I know that I need to ask for help sometimes, but at some point I started to feel like a burden, like a drain, like I should be moving on and not needing help and comfort anymore. But it's not true. I still need help. I spend too much time alone, and I know it's not good for me, that it's death for my spirit, but I don't do anything about it. This past week, I was talking to a friend and I told her that if I didn't have commitments, I could go the entire week without talking to anybody aside from my co-workers and my dad. I told her that between weekends, a meaningful conversation with my friends was rare. She looked at me like I was crazy-- like I was making this up, because in the real world this sort of thing just doesn't happen. And I love her for the wild-eyed optimism that allows her to feel shock that such a thing could happen. And I love her for stepping beside me and offering to help with part of the repair work that needs to be done in my life.
In the mean time, I'm not sure if the isolation I'm struggling with right now is entirely my fault, as it has been in the past. I feel like I'm making more effort than in past periods of isolation, but it's really hard when everyone else is seeing their lives fall into place while mine is just falling apart. Priorities change, relationships shift. It happens, and I know it's a constant. I love all of my friends and I know that each of them was placed in my life for a specific reason, but sometimes it feels like I don't fit anymore. I am happy for their progress, for their success in life and relationships, I just can't help feeling excluded. I celebrate with them when we're together- but when I've alone, the chasm I'm looking across seems to be getting bigger every day.
I know that lately, I've been trying to build my own bridge, to figure out my own way to get across. And I know that this is part of the problem, because I cannot build a bridge that size on my own. For that, I need a carpenter...
I feel like I've been losing touch, like I've been trying so hard to just get through, to just get by, and in the process, I've stopped depending on God, and I've stopped depending on the people I love, and this is why everything is falling apart. I know that I need to allow my friends to come beside me and help me. I know that I need to ask for help sometimes, but at some point I started to feel like a burden, like a drain, like I should be moving on and not needing help and comfort anymore. But it's not true. I still need help. I spend too much time alone, and I know it's not good for me, that it's death for my spirit, but I don't do anything about it. This past week, I was talking to a friend and I told her that if I didn't have commitments, I could go the entire week without talking to anybody aside from my co-workers and my dad. I told her that between weekends, a meaningful conversation with my friends was rare. She looked at me like I was crazy-- like I was making this up, because in the real world this sort of thing just doesn't happen. And I love her for the wild-eyed optimism that allows her to feel shock that such a thing could happen. And I love her for stepping beside me and offering to help with part of the repair work that needs to be done in my life.
In the mean time, I'm not sure if the isolation I'm struggling with right now is entirely my fault, as it has been in the past. I feel like I'm making more effort than in past periods of isolation, but it's really hard when everyone else is seeing their lives fall into place while mine is just falling apart. Priorities change, relationships shift. It happens, and I know it's a constant. I love all of my friends and I know that each of them was placed in my life for a specific reason, but sometimes it feels like I don't fit anymore. I am happy for their progress, for their success in life and relationships, I just can't help feeling excluded. I celebrate with them when we're together- but when I've alone, the chasm I'm looking across seems to be getting bigger every day.
I know that lately, I've been trying to build my own bridge, to figure out my own way to get across. And I know that this is part of the problem, because I cannot build a bridge that size on my own. For that, I need a carpenter...
Monday, April 25, 2011
My Neglected Blog
My blog has been rather neglected, and after last weeks excursion back into emo poetry, I'm thinking that it may be time to return to my blogging, whether anybody reads it or not... I'd prefer they did, but if not, at least I still have a place for my emo thoughts to go.
So right now, I'm reflecting on Easter weekend and all that went on. The processing and such began on Friday when I suffered another disappointment in the dating (or lack there of) department. It really wasn't that big of a deal, but since I'm still not used to having my main support for this sort of thing, it became a big deal, but just for the day.
Saturday was busy, packed with activity from 7 am - 11pm, but it was enjoyable. Attempted to participate in a conversation in which my last dating potential disappointment was involved. It felt very awkward, but I didn't run away like I have been, so I guess it's progress. Then Saturday night I had a dream about the awkwardness and confronting it. The reality of the matter is that confronting the awkwardness would probably just create more awkwardness than just letting it pass, but in my dream, we had a conversation about it and he admitted to knowing that what he did was going to hurt me, but he didn't really know what to do about it. This left me feeling like I really did just want him to have what was best for him, but still it's hard to be around the whole thing. Whatever. No more dwelling on that.
Then Sunday morning, many people that I talked to told me that they had no idea that I could perform, that it was a completely different side of me. And then I realized something-- not entirely new, but something that I thought I'd moved past-- the reality of me is that I still feel more comfortable playing a character; putting on a facade. It's so much easier to share the hard things that have happened when I tell it in third person. The people who know the real me truly know all of me because they can see past that character, past the facade, but everyone else is willing to accept the character as who I am.
So right now, I'm reflecting on Easter weekend and all that went on. The processing and such began on Friday when I suffered another disappointment in the dating (or lack there of) department. It really wasn't that big of a deal, but since I'm still not used to having my main support for this sort of thing, it became a big deal, but just for the day.
Saturday was busy, packed with activity from 7 am - 11pm, but it was enjoyable. Attempted to participate in a conversation in which my last dating potential disappointment was involved. It felt very awkward, but I didn't run away like I have been, so I guess it's progress. Then Saturday night I had a dream about the awkwardness and confronting it. The reality of the matter is that confronting the awkwardness would probably just create more awkwardness than just letting it pass, but in my dream, we had a conversation about it and he admitted to knowing that what he did was going to hurt me, but he didn't really know what to do about it. This left me feeling like I really did just want him to have what was best for him, but still it's hard to be around the whole thing. Whatever. No more dwelling on that.
Then Sunday morning, many people that I talked to told me that they had no idea that I could perform, that it was a completely different side of me. And then I realized something-- not entirely new, but something that I thought I'd moved past-- the reality of me is that I still feel more comfortable playing a character; putting on a facade. It's so much easier to share the hard things that have happened when I tell it in third person. The people who know the real me truly know all of me because they can see past that character, past the facade, but everyone else is willing to accept the character as who I am.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Finding Hope
Hope is something that is a recurring theme in my life right now. The reality is, there is just a tiny pinhole of light in an otherwise dark time in my life, and that tiny pinhole of light is what keeps me going. I sometimes find myself feeling like there is nothing but darkness, but fabulous Noel and her hope quotes on Facebook keep directing me back to that little drop of light in the distance. The quote that sticks in my mind and pops into my head several times every day right now is the one that says “Hope is the feeling that the feeling you have isn't permanent." Knowing that this despair, pain, grief, and emptiness cannot last forever is the only hope I have right now.
I feel like a bucket that is always full to the brim, and dropping even just the tiniest thing in sends the tears rushing over the edge. I've always been a naturally emotional person anyway, but this is far beyond that. The thing I want the most is someone to hold me while I cry and to tell me that things will get better. But I'm still missing that, because the person who used to do that for me is gone. I don't know who should be filling that spot right now- I haven't figured it out yet.
I have been blessed by a few really good friends who are by my side as I make my way toward that tiny bright spot in the distance. They know who they are, and I hope they know how much I truly love and appreciate them.
In other ways, some things never change, though I hope they will. I still feel like I work hard at the things that I do and see very little difference for all of the hard work. I still wish that I was more talented at the things that I'm passionate about. I still desperately desire a family of my own. Only now, I sometimes feel like a failure and a disappointment because my mom never got to see me accomplish my dreams or find my greatest desires. My head knows that this is a lie, but my heart is cruel. This is the first time I've actually shared these thoughts- the ones where I feel like I let my mother down because I wasn't able to give her the grandchildren she wanted more than anything. Because I never got to prove to her that my dreams really could come true. Because I never got to take her to the places she wanted to see. And I never really got to take care of her instead of her taking care of me.
These thoughts have the potential to overtake me, to drown me. The only thing I can do is keep clinging to my life raft and hope that the storm will calm down soon so I have a chance to swim back to solid ground. There is hope in knowing that ten years ago, the person I was could not have survived this storm. The person I was ten years ago didn't have a life raft to cling to- the person I was ten years ago did not have Jesus. That is hope.
I feel like a bucket that is always full to the brim, and dropping even just the tiniest thing in sends the tears rushing over the edge. I've always been a naturally emotional person anyway, but this is far beyond that. The thing I want the most is someone to hold me while I cry and to tell me that things will get better. But I'm still missing that, because the person who used to do that for me is gone. I don't know who should be filling that spot right now- I haven't figured it out yet.
I have been blessed by a few really good friends who are by my side as I make my way toward that tiny bright spot in the distance. They know who they are, and I hope they know how much I truly love and appreciate them.
In other ways, some things never change, though I hope they will. I still feel like I work hard at the things that I do and see very little difference for all of the hard work. I still wish that I was more talented at the things that I'm passionate about. I still desperately desire a family of my own. Only now, I sometimes feel like a failure and a disappointment because my mom never got to see me accomplish my dreams or find my greatest desires. My head knows that this is a lie, but my heart is cruel. This is the first time I've actually shared these thoughts- the ones where I feel like I let my mother down because I wasn't able to give her the grandchildren she wanted more than anything. Because I never got to prove to her that my dreams really could come true. Because I never got to take her to the places she wanted to see. And I never really got to take care of her instead of her taking care of me.
These thoughts have the potential to overtake me, to drown me. The only thing I can do is keep clinging to my life raft and hope that the storm will calm down soon so I have a chance to swim back to solid ground. There is hope in knowing that ten years ago, the person I was could not have survived this storm. The person I was ten years ago didn't have a life raft to cling to- the person I was ten years ago did not have Jesus. That is hope.
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