I have been thinking lately about lost things. Things I used to do and no longer do: playing soccer, theatre, running, spending time writing EVERY day. Things I used to have, but no longer have: a sense of adventure, a desire for something more, a passion for all things I do. Yes, the reality is, I have become indifferent and apathetic. I want to care, but I just don't. I miss the things that I've lost, but I don't really do anything to get them back. And the reality is that if I was willing to work for it, I could get each and every one of them back. But I've lost the energy to make the effort. There's a country song (yes, I know some of you are gagging as you read that) that says it perfectly... "My Give-a-Damn's Busted."
Here's the thing-- Back when I used to do any of those things, I really cared about all of them. I gave each and every one of them my heart. But during those times I had very few real relationships. And the ones I did have are mostly lost now. Those are the lost things I find myself missing today. Those are the lost things that I would like to get back, but I just don't know how. I know how to get back the lost things that are what I DO. But I don't know how to find the people that I've lost over time-- how to rekindle the friendships that I miss. There are some that I've lost that I've let go of because they had become unhealthy-- they were good for a time, but they were never meant to last forever. But there are some that I'd like to have back, even if just so that I know that their lives are good and they are healthy and happy.
This afternoon during my nap, I had a dream that my best friend from high school had died-- not in the dream. It was just something that I knew in my head in the dream. She had died and I ran into her sister and we were able to sit and share the things we'd liked about her and cry together. When I woke up, for a minute, for a minute I thought that I really had at some point heard that she'd died. In reality, as far as I know, she's still alive and well, married with at least one child. I've learned this through the reports of a mutual friend. I actually haven't seen her for at least ten years and the reality is that she could die and I could never know about it.
These are the lost things that make me the saddest, the most upset. How is it possible that the person I was closest to for three years back in high school could be completely absent from my life now? I don't even have her as a friend on Facebook or Myspace or any virtual manner of connecting. I've never even looked for her. I'm not sure if I should. Has it been too long? Does she ever think about looking for me? I am somewhat optimistic because last summer my mom reconnected with HER best friend from high school through classmates.com and now they communicate again. After over forty years they were able to reconnect, and this gives me hope for all of the lost things. Hope that lost friendships may someday be rekindled, lost ambitions will be rediscovered, lost passions will be reignited.
