I knew that today was going to be a rough day, being the first Mother's Day without my mom. Mother's Day for the past few years had already been hard for me, because it meant another year of seeing people around me celebrating the gift of motherhood which is something that I have been wanting so desperately and fear that will never come. This year I knew that part would still be there, in the back of my mind, but that mostly it would just be crappy in general because I no longer have someone here to celebrate. I know that I can celebrate her anyway, but it's just not the same. It has been building for a couple of weeks as the e-mails and television commercials and billboards advertising mothers day specials have been growing exponentially. My emotions had been mostly peaceful prior to this last couple of weeks, but I knew that it was going to change.
I considered staying at home, isolating myself, but I made a choice. I decided that it was better to go and cry with my chosen family, than to sit at home and cry alone, or even worse, to hide everything away for the sake of my birth family. It turned out to be a very good choice. Yes, seeing everybody with their mothers, hearing them talk about their mothers, was painful. But acknowledging that pain will only make me stronger. I know that even though my mom is not here anymore, she would still want me to be happy. Now I just have to convince myself that being happy, having joy, does not mean that I don't miss her. The choice now it to continue mourning life without her or to celebrate who she was and who she has helped me to become. I think I choose the latter.
Sunday, May 08, 2011
Monday, May 02, 2011
Letter to Me
It is funny that I should feel so bored and discontent most days, because there truly is a lot going on most days, and I really have accomplished a lot in the last year. The purpose of this post is mostly to remind myself so that I can be encouraged and reminded that I am capable of most anything I set my mind to, as long as my heart is in it. It takes the form of a letter to myself, and since probably nobody except for me will read it, it shouldn't be too awkward... :)
Dear Jeni,
Here are the things that you have done in the last year that you can be proud of:
1) You survived. Plain and simple. Despite devastating loss, you muddled through and became a stronger person for it. You are a fighter, and don't let yourself think otherwise.
2) Your first act of keeping a commitment to yourself - the 60 day yoga challenge. Yes, it seems like so much more than a year ago, but really, that's all it's been since you were getting rolling on that. You stuck to it - took the time for yourself every day. It's time to find something and do that again. You are worth it.
3) National Novel Writing Month - This was the seventh or eighth year that you've started something with the goal of writing 50,000 words in a month and this time you made it. Now, you just have to set aside some time to finish the story that you started. Your heart desperately wants to finish it, and there is no reason to be afraid. Even if you cannot sell your novel, you'll still have written one. Finish this one, then move onto another. And another. It is your dream and your heart and you will not ever know how many lives might be touched by your writing if you never put it out there, if you never try.
4) Who knew that you could become a runner? All of your previous attempts involved alternating running and walking, but once you learned that it was okay to run slow, that you didn't have to be ashamed that you weren't the fastest, you found your groove. So you don't run fast enough to be considered competitive, but right now you're just competing with yourself. You have worked your way up to 6 miles, which is so exciting- 6 miles without walking really is something to be proud of, no matter what the lies in your head try to tell you. Now it's time to get in gear and start working your way up to 13.1. I know right now, September seems pretty far off, but if you delay, it will be here in the blink of an eye and you will be unprepared. Remember. You can do it.
5) You have taken a leap of faith and completed the paper work necessary to get pre-approved for a home loan. I know that it is unnerving waiting for an answer, but have faith. Have faith that God will take care of you no matter where this journey leads. Have faith that God knows what is best for you and that His timing is perfect. If this doesn't work out, it just means that the time isn't right. And if there is work to be done before you can be approved, you can do it. You can pay off your student loans.
6) You have ventured out into the world of dating again. So the ventures have been completely unsuccessful, but you have held tight to your values. It would be so easy to settle for someone just so you could have someone, but God has promised you the best and you will not settle for less. You are strong for holding out for what you know is right, for not compromising on the things that are important, and because of this, when the time is right, your marriage and your family will be a success. I know it is hard to believe this when you're watching everybody around you build the family you desperately desire, but when the time comes, it will be so much more precious, so much more valuable because of your wait. You will be rewarded for your patience.
Please know that you are so much stronger, so much more talented, so much more loved than you give yourself credit for. Never forget that when you let your passion for life take over, you can do anything, you can be anything. You are a representative of God and with that you have a responsibility to live life to the fullest. That means not hiding in corners or holing up in your apartment like a hermit. It means taking care of yourself so that you can take care of others and it means getting out there and loving the people you encounter. It is true that some people are jerks, but chances are the thing they need most is love, so think about that before you retort back in an equally jerk-like fashion.
You are loved, therefore you must also love. Love yourself (but not in an egotistical sort of way) and love all who you come in contact with, even if they don't deserve it. That's not your call.
May God's love be with you,
Jeni
Dear Jeni,
Here are the things that you have done in the last year that you can be proud of:
1) You survived. Plain and simple. Despite devastating loss, you muddled through and became a stronger person for it. You are a fighter, and don't let yourself think otherwise.
2) Your first act of keeping a commitment to yourself - the 60 day yoga challenge. Yes, it seems like so much more than a year ago, but really, that's all it's been since you were getting rolling on that. You stuck to it - took the time for yourself every day. It's time to find something and do that again. You are worth it.
3) National Novel Writing Month - This was the seventh or eighth year that you've started something with the goal of writing 50,000 words in a month and this time you made it. Now, you just have to set aside some time to finish the story that you started. Your heart desperately wants to finish it, and there is no reason to be afraid. Even if you cannot sell your novel, you'll still have written one. Finish this one, then move onto another. And another. It is your dream and your heart and you will not ever know how many lives might be touched by your writing if you never put it out there, if you never try.
4) Who knew that you could become a runner? All of your previous attempts involved alternating running and walking, but once you learned that it was okay to run slow, that you didn't have to be ashamed that you weren't the fastest, you found your groove. So you don't run fast enough to be considered competitive, but right now you're just competing with yourself. You have worked your way up to 6 miles, which is so exciting- 6 miles without walking really is something to be proud of, no matter what the lies in your head try to tell you. Now it's time to get in gear and start working your way up to 13.1. I know right now, September seems pretty far off, but if you delay, it will be here in the blink of an eye and you will be unprepared. Remember. You can do it.
5) You have taken a leap of faith and completed the paper work necessary to get pre-approved for a home loan. I know that it is unnerving waiting for an answer, but have faith. Have faith that God will take care of you no matter where this journey leads. Have faith that God knows what is best for you and that His timing is perfect. If this doesn't work out, it just means that the time isn't right. And if there is work to be done before you can be approved, you can do it. You can pay off your student loans.
6) You have ventured out into the world of dating again. So the ventures have been completely unsuccessful, but you have held tight to your values. It would be so easy to settle for someone just so you could have someone, but God has promised you the best and you will not settle for less. You are strong for holding out for what you know is right, for not compromising on the things that are important, and because of this, when the time is right, your marriage and your family will be a success. I know it is hard to believe this when you're watching everybody around you build the family you desperately desire, but when the time comes, it will be so much more precious, so much more valuable because of your wait. You will be rewarded for your patience.
Please know that you are so much stronger, so much more talented, so much more loved than you give yourself credit for. Never forget that when you let your passion for life take over, you can do anything, you can be anything. You are a representative of God and with that you have a responsibility to live life to the fullest. That means not hiding in corners or holing up in your apartment like a hermit. It means taking care of yourself so that you can take care of others and it means getting out there and loving the people you encounter. It is true that some people are jerks, but chances are the thing they need most is love, so think about that before you retort back in an equally jerk-like fashion.
You are loved, therefore you must also love. Love yourself (but not in an egotistical sort of way) and love all who you come in contact with, even if they don't deserve it. That's not your call.
May God's love be with you,
Jeni
Saturday, April 30, 2011
What happened to my heart?
We'll just say that this last year has done a real number on it-- and along the way, it seems to have gotten lost. I am still aware of it. I know that it's there--it reminds me when I experience a particularly harsh disappointment--but it's almost like I'm trying to ignore it, to numb it. And in the process I've lost all discipline for taking care of myself. Yes, I still go to work because other people expect me to be there, but my heart isn't in it. I still go to the gym with my day, because he expects me to be there, but I don't put the effort in anymore. I don't care what I eat, or how messy my apartment gets. My head knows that all of these things are a problem, but it can't convince my body or my heart to do anything about it.
I feel like I've been losing touch, like I've been trying so hard to just get through, to just get by, and in the process, I've stopped depending on God, and I've stopped depending on the people I love, and this is why everything is falling apart. I know that I need to allow my friends to come beside me and help me. I know that I need to ask for help sometimes, but at some point I started to feel like a burden, like a drain, like I should be moving on and not needing help and comfort anymore. But it's not true. I still need help. I spend too much time alone, and I know it's not good for me, that it's death for my spirit, but I don't do anything about it. This past week, I was talking to a friend and I told her that if I didn't have commitments, I could go the entire week without talking to anybody aside from my co-workers and my dad. I told her that between weekends, a meaningful conversation with my friends was rare. She looked at me like I was crazy-- like I was making this up, because in the real world this sort of thing just doesn't happen. And I love her for the wild-eyed optimism that allows her to feel shock that such a thing could happen. And I love her for stepping beside me and offering to help with part of the repair work that needs to be done in my life.
In the mean time, I'm not sure if the isolation I'm struggling with right now is entirely my fault, as it has been in the past. I feel like I'm making more effort than in past periods of isolation, but it's really hard when everyone else is seeing their lives fall into place while mine is just falling apart. Priorities change, relationships shift. It happens, and I know it's a constant. I love all of my friends and I know that each of them was placed in my life for a specific reason, but sometimes it feels like I don't fit anymore. I am happy for their progress, for their success in life and relationships, I just can't help feeling excluded. I celebrate with them when we're together- but when I've alone, the chasm I'm looking across seems to be getting bigger every day.
I know that lately, I've been trying to build my own bridge, to figure out my own way to get across. And I know that this is part of the problem, because I cannot build a bridge that size on my own. For that, I need a carpenter...
I feel like I've been losing touch, like I've been trying so hard to just get through, to just get by, and in the process, I've stopped depending on God, and I've stopped depending on the people I love, and this is why everything is falling apart. I know that I need to allow my friends to come beside me and help me. I know that I need to ask for help sometimes, but at some point I started to feel like a burden, like a drain, like I should be moving on and not needing help and comfort anymore. But it's not true. I still need help. I spend too much time alone, and I know it's not good for me, that it's death for my spirit, but I don't do anything about it. This past week, I was talking to a friend and I told her that if I didn't have commitments, I could go the entire week without talking to anybody aside from my co-workers and my dad. I told her that between weekends, a meaningful conversation with my friends was rare. She looked at me like I was crazy-- like I was making this up, because in the real world this sort of thing just doesn't happen. And I love her for the wild-eyed optimism that allows her to feel shock that such a thing could happen. And I love her for stepping beside me and offering to help with part of the repair work that needs to be done in my life.
In the mean time, I'm not sure if the isolation I'm struggling with right now is entirely my fault, as it has been in the past. I feel like I'm making more effort than in past periods of isolation, but it's really hard when everyone else is seeing their lives fall into place while mine is just falling apart. Priorities change, relationships shift. It happens, and I know it's a constant. I love all of my friends and I know that each of them was placed in my life for a specific reason, but sometimes it feels like I don't fit anymore. I am happy for their progress, for their success in life and relationships, I just can't help feeling excluded. I celebrate with them when we're together- but when I've alone, the chasm I'm looking across seems to be getting bigger every day.
I know that lately, I've been trying to build my own bridge, to figure out my own way to get across. And I know that this is part of the problem, because I cannot build a bridge that size on my own. For that, I need a carpenter...
Monday, April 25, 2011
My Neglected Blog
My blog has been rather neglected, and after last weeks excursion back into emo poetry, I'm thinking that it may be time to return to my blogging, whether anybody reads it or not... I'd prefer they did, but if not, at least I still have a place for my emo thoughts to go.
So right now, I'm reflecting on Easter weekend and all that went on. The processing and such began on Friday when I suffered another disappointment in the dating (or lack there of) department. It really wasn't that big of a deal, but since I'm still not used to having my main support for this sort of thing, it became a big deal, but just for the day.
Saturday was busy, packed with activity from 7 am - 11pm, but it was enjoyable. Attempted to participate in a conversation in which my last dating potential disappointment was involved. It felt very awkward, but I didn't run away like I have been, so I guess it's progress. Then Saturday night I had a dream about the awkwardness and confronting it. The reality of the matter is that confronting the awkwardness would probably just create more awkwardness than just letting it pass, but in my dream, we had a conversation about it and he admitted to knowing that what he did was going to hurt me, but he didn't really know what to do about it. This left me feeling like I really did just want him to have what was best for him, but still it's hard to be around the whole thing. Whatever. No more dwelling on that.
Then Sunday morning, many people that I talked to told me that they had no idea that I could perform, that it was a completely different side of me. And then I realized something-- not entirely new, but something that I thought I'd moved past-- the reality of me is that I still feel more comfortable playing a character; putting on a facade. It's so much easier to share the hard things that have happened when I tell it in third person. The people who know the real me truly know all of me because they can see past that character, past the facade, but everyone else is willing to accept the character as who I am.
So right now, I'm reflecting on Easter weekend and all that went on. The processing and such began on Friday when I suffered another disappointment in the dating (or lack there of) department. It really wasn't that big of a deal, but since I'm still not used to having my main support for this sort of thing, it became a big deal, but just for the day.
Saturday was busy, packed with activity from 7 am - 11pm, but it was enjoyable. Attempted to participate in a conversation in which my last dating potential disappointment was involved. It felt very awkward, but I didn't run away like I have been, so I guess it's progress. Then Saturday night I had a dream about the awkwardness and confronting it. The reality of the matter is that confronting the awkwardness would probably just create more awkwardness than just letting it pass, but in my dream, we had a conversation about it and he admitted to knowing that what he did was going to hurt me, but he didn't really know what to do about it. This left me feeling like I really did just want him to have what was best for him, but still it's hard to be around the whole thing. Whatever. No more dwelling on that.
Then Sunday morning, many people that I talked to told me that they had no idea that I could perform, that it was a completely different side of me. And then I realized something-- not entirely new, but something that I thought I'd moved past-- the reality of me is that I still feel more comfortable playing a character; putting on a facade. It's so much easier to share the hard things that have happened when I tell it in third person. The people who know the real me truly know all of me because they can see past that character, past the facade, but everyone else is willing to accept the character as who I am.
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