A Choice

I knew that today was going to be a rough day, being the first Mother's Day without my mom. Mother's Day for the past few years had already been hard for me, because it meant another year of seeing people around me celebrating the gift of motherhood which is something that I have been wanting so desperately and fear that will never come. This year I knew that part would still be there, in the back of my mind, but that mostly it would just be crappy in general because I no longer have someone here to celebrate. I know that I can celebrate her anyway, but it's just not the same. It has been building for a couple of weeks as the e-mails and television commercials and billboards advertising mothers day specials have been growing exponentially. My emotions had been mostly peaceful prior to this last couple of weeks, but I knew that it was going to change.
I considered staying at home, isolating myself, but I made a choice. I decided that it was better to go and cry with my chosen family, than to sit at home and cry alone, or even worse, to hide everything away for the sake of my birth family. It turned out to be a very good choice. Yes, seeing everybody with their mothers, hearing them talk about their mothers, was painful. But acknowledging that pain will only make me stronger. I know that even though my mom is not here anymore, she would still want me to be happy. Now I just have to convince myself that being happy, having joy, does not mean that I don't miss her. The choice now it to continue mourning life without her or to celebrate who she was and who she has helped me to become. I think I choose the latter.