We'll just say that this last year has done a real number on it-- and along the way, it seems to have gotten lost. I am still aware of it. I know that it's there--it reminds me when I experience a particularly harsh disappointment--but it's almost like I'm trying to ignore it, to numb it. And in the process I've lost all discipline for taking care of myself. Yes, I still go to work because other people expect me to be there, but my heart isn't in it. I still go to the gym with my day, because he expects me to be there, but I don't put the effort in anymore. I don't care what I eat, or how messy my apartment gets. My head knows that all of these things are a problem, but it can't convince my body or my heart to do anything about it.
I feel like I've been losing touch, like I've been trying so hard to just get through, to just get by, and in the process, I've stopped depending on God, and I've stopped depending on the people I love, and this is why everything is falling apart. I know that I need to allow my friends to come beside me and help me. I know that I need to ask for help sometimes, but at some point I started to feel like a burden, like a drain, like I should be moving on and not needing help and comfort anymore. But it's not true. I still need help. I spend too much time alone, and I know it's not good for me, that it's death for my spirit, but I don't do anything about it. This past week, I was talking to a friend and I told her that if I didn't have commitments, I could go the entire week without talking to anybody aside from my co-workers and my dad. I told her that between weekends, a meaningful conversation with my friends was rare. She looked at me like I was crazy-- like I was making this up, because in the real world this sort of thing just doesn't happen. And I love her for the wild-eyed optimism that allows her to feel shock that such a thing could happen. And I love her for stepping beside me and offering to help with part of the repair work that needs to be done in my life.
In the mean time, I'm not sure if the isolation I'm struggling with right now is entirely my fault, as it has been in the past. I feel like I'm making more effort than in past periods of isolation, but it's really hard when everyone else is seeing their lives fall into place while mine is just falling apart. Priorities change, relationships shift. It happens, and I know it's a constant. I love all of my friends and I know that each of them was placed in my life for a specific reason, but sometimes it feels like I don't fit anymore. I am happy for their progress, for their success in life and relationships, I just can't help feeling excluded. I celebrate with them when we're together- but when I've alone, the chasm I'm looking across seems to be getting bigger every day.
I know that lately, I've been trying to build my own bridge, to figure out my own way to get across. And I know that this is part of the problem, because I cannot build a bridge that size on my own. For that, I need a carpenter...
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