2009 was a tumultuous year that left me feeling like I was tumbling downhill over and over again. For the most part, I was happier than I've been over any year in the past. This doesn't mean I didn't have my emo moments, but I was much less depressed over all than any other year. This is a good thing. But as my emotional health has been improving, my physical health has been doing the opposite. Nothing horrific or catastrophic has happened, but the reality is, I haven't really felt GOOD for a long time. Mostly a general blah. I've spent the better part of the last year trying to track down a reason for it and have been poked, prodded and processed more than the rest of my life combined. And as of now I have 4 different answers and nothing to really concretely tie it all up in a neat little package. But I guess the reality is that life doesn't ever happen in neat little packages, so I'm not sure why I expected this to be any different.
I've mostly been quiet about the whole process except for a select few who have been kept in the loop along the way because I really just don't want to seem like a drama queen-- and because as I said, nothing horrific or catastrophic, so there's no point in drawing too much attention to something that is really nothing more than a horrible inconvenience. Occasionally a facebook status update or a comment here and there might give it away that I don't feel so great, but for the most part this has just been something for me to deal with and get through and that's all there is to it. The problem with this, is that I haven't been really giving it over to God to handle. I mean, sure-- I prayed about it-- that there would be nothing wrong, that somebody would give me an answer, that there would be a simple thing that I could do to make things better, whether it was eliminating a specific food/food group or a pill that would instantly make it all go away, even that something even worse would happen so that I could just get an answer already-- but I never really gave it over. I spent so much time dwelling on it that I let it take control. I was letting discomfort and fear control my life and in the process was missing out on a lot of life.
The reality is, I still don't have a solid answer. I don't know if I ever will--most things are normal, just a bunch of little things that aren't-- but it's not really my problem to worry about it. I'm not saying I intend to ignore things that my body may be trying to tell me, but I am saying that I can't spend every day worrying about it, letting it dictate what I will and won't do. If I let it control me and stop living, then it is a certainty that I will acquire everything that I'm already at risk for because of my mom's history on top of whatever my own issues may be.
So the plan for now is to do what I need to do to be as healthy as I can be and to know that God will give me the strength to do it. First off- I'm starting to run again-- because brisk walks in the park and the Gazelle in the living room aren't cutting it, and because I want to accomplish something. I'm setting a goal of running the 10K in May with my co-worker. So far I've done two runs, and they were not nearly as difficult as I thought they would be. Second-- I'm going back to doing Bikram yoga. The plan is to go once a week. There are several reasons for this part of the plan: For some variety in my workout routine, because it feels good, but especially because it is something that I might just be good at someday because I'm pretty flexible naturally-- and I need something in my life that I'm good at. The third part may be the most important-- only time will tell-- but I'm going to ask my doctor to refer me for a nutritional counseling program to help me figure out what foods are going to work for me and what ones aren't, but more importantly how to make sure that I'm getting everything I need when I'm excluding certain foods from my diet. I've been eating a lot of the same sorts of things over and over again and I know that I'm not getting everything, but I haven't quite worked out what is going to disagree with me, and most of the time it's easier to just stick with what I know is safe than to try something new and then have to worry (I know I'm not supposed to do that) about what it's going to do to me. I am a work in progress, and I am trying to take control of the choices I have been given by God, and leaving all the rest for Him to carry for me. I know that I can't carry it all, and trying to will just leave me weighed down so much that I won't be able to move. So, God, please take these burdens from me. Take the worry, take the fear, point me in the direction of the choices you'd like me to make and give me the strengh to make those choices everyday.
