Finding Balance, Feeling Hope

There has been so much going on lately and while most of it is good, it can still sometimes be overwhelming.  If you've known me for any length of time, you know that I'm not the person I used to be.  This, for the most part, is a really good thing.  Not to say that who I was before was bad, just that I've grown and learned to have hope for the future even when it isn't easy.  I have been very focused on being positive and upbeat - which is good, because nobody is inspired by a Debbie downer or a Negative Nelly.  When I look back at my old posts and I wonder to myself how I kept any friends.  All I ever did was complain!  Looking back on it, I feel like I was really selfish.  I wanted everyone to come to me.  To feel sorry for me.  To make me feel better.  All the while, what was I doing for anyone else?  I wasn't making much effort to be in real relationships with other people.  I kept to myself, didn't really talk to anyone unless they talked to me first.  It probably made me seem like a snob.  Like I thought I was too important to talk to them.  Or that I flat out didn't want to talk to anyone.  Like I was closed for business - not open to hear about what others had going on in their lives.
So here I am now, and over the last two years I have experienced the most devastating sorrow and the most invigorating joy.  Right now, I am finding some of the things I have wanted most in my life and I am so excited to see what the future has.  I am in a relationship with a Godly man who makes me believe that all of the time that I spent alone because I wasn't willing to settle was totally worth it.  I have found my strength and competitive drive again through CrossFit, which shows me a new way every day that I am stronger than I was yesterday.  I am in an apartment that is filled with light, both physically and spiritually.  I feel comfortable here - I am not afraid to be alone in this place, nor am I ashamed to have people join me here.  I still have a lot of work to do here, but at the moment it feels like home.  I have a job where I am needed and where I am missed when I go away - and it's not just the things that I do that are missed, but me as a person - and that feels amazing.
It is great that so many good things are happening, but that doesn't mean that I don't have a bad day.  That I don't still struggle with negativity sometimes.  I think in my desire to be more positive and thankful, I have sometimes been going to the other extreme and trying to keep things to myself that I really should be talking about because I don't want to be that person again - the person who only complained and had very little positive to offer.  I don't want to become a burden on another person by always talking about the struggles - and so I try to keep it to myself until I can put a more positive spin on it, but the problem is, I am horrible at poker.  Wait?  I know you're wondering what poker has to do with anything, but I swear, it's relevant.  I am horrible at poker because I cannot hide anything.  If I am happy, everyone can see it written on my face.  And if I'm struggling, well, you're going to see that, too.  So while I'm trying to put a more positive light on the less than happy feelings before speaking them, I end up coming across like I'm trying to hide something - when really I'm trying to be mindful of what I'm going to say.  So now, I will begin working on finding the happy spot that will allow me to remain the more positive and upbeat version of myself that I have become while still expressing those dark things and struggles that need to be expressed when they need to be expressed.  Not everything has to be sunshine and roses.
So today, I am very happy to have new adventures to look forward to, but I am also going to acknowledge that it's a bit of a rough emotional time for me.  It's only the second year since my mom passed away.  Last year was all about just getting by.  Just making it through another day - making it past the year mark, because maybe then things would be just a little bit easier.  And I wouldn't necessarily say that it's easier the second year, but it's different.  It's not so much a searing pain that will not allow you to feel anything else.  This year it's more like a dull ache.  You know that it's there, you can feel it all the time, but it's not all you feel.  It's not at the forefront of your attention screaming to be dealt with.  It is just hanging out in the background as you live life the best way you know how.  There are other little things that are not perfect right now, but in the grand scope of things, they really don't matter all of that much - and I know that they just sometimes feel bigger than they are because of the dull ache that's hanging in the background.
So I will press on, keeping my heart open to whatever new adventures God has for me and trying to become the person he has created me to be.  I know that he wants to make me the best version of myself - he gave me this heart and this sensitivity for a a reason, and I don't need to hide it away.  Now I just have to let Him mold me into the version of myself that he envisioned.   He made me beautiful, all of us beautiful, and sometimes even the things that we dislike about ourselves are some of the most beautiful things.

Looking Back to Move Forward

Today, my dear friend Noel hosted a blog link-up event- which is a bit technical for me (I'm kind of an internet idiot compared to many of my blogging friends) - that gave me the opportunity to look back at some of my old posts.  In reading through some of my old posts, I can clearly see how much has changed since 7 years ago when I started my blog.  I used to be so focused on the past.  I clung to it, like a toddler to a blankie, finding comfort in playing the victim.  That's not to say that I was never a victim, because there have been times that I have experienced some less than pleasant things.  But when I first started blogging, those less than pleasant things were my identity.  They were all I talked about.  I could not imagine the future because I was so focused on past hurts and heart aches.  I pretended that they didn't matter, and yet I dredged them up over and over again because I didn't know who I was without them.
Today, I know that I a much different person.  A lot has changed in the seven years I have been blogging.  I have loved and lost and learned to love again.  I have said some difficult goodbyes.  I have learned the value of caring for myself so that I can better care for others.  I have gained weight and lost weight.  I have found new hobbies and passions, but my passion for writing remains.  I have taken chances and even when things have turned out differently than I would have liked, I have learned from the experience.  So much has changed, but more than anything else, my identity has changed.  I no longer see myself as a victim.  I have found confidence in my faith - the faith that has carried me through all of the difficult things that I have blogged about over the past seven years.   I am a fighter, and I fight with confidence because God has promised victory.  Even if that victory does not look the way I expect it to, I will be victorious in Him.  I am far from perfect, and I still slip up and let the victim mentality take over every once in a while, but reading my old posts, I can also see how far I've come. 
Some people would say that the past is the past and we shouldn't dwell on it, and I absolutely agree with the second part.  We definitely should avoid dwelling on the past - however remembering and reflecting on the past can be a beautiful thing, because looking back to see how far we've come may be just the motivation we need to continue moving forward.  I know I still have a long way to go and a lot of work to do, but when I look back and see where I started and how far I've come, I have the confidence I need to finish the race.