November 29, 1998
Three days past Thanksgiving, two days after the break-up. I had cried for a while, hung out with a friend, and was ready to move on. At least, I thought I was. And then I showed up at work, and he was there. Smug, cheerful, as though nothing had happened to soil his weekend. Talking to me as though nothing had changed, like things would instantly be the same. He was on his way out the door when I came in, for which I was glad. I didn’t want to let him see me shed another tear over this.
It’s not like I loved him, I still had no clue what love felt like. But I had shut everyone else out of my life because at the time I didn’t know any better. I had made him the center of my world because I wanted to love him--I wanted to know what it felt like. He had told me that he loved me three weeks in (which I’m certain was just a ploy to get me into bed) and for the following four months he had been trying to coax me to say it back. He wanted leverage so that he could say, “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t hold out on me.”
The truth of the matter is, I don’t think that ten years together would have made me love him. But at the time I was convinced that I would learn to love him despite the fact that he met very few of my standards. I thought that I would learn to like being kissed by him, being let go quickly when we hugged, being practically ignored in public, being pressured to have sex before marriage. I thought I could get over the fact that he called himself an atheist, that he talked down to me because I wasn’t an engineering major, that he absolutely despised kids. I thought it would all work itself out one day.
Perhaps this is why when he called it off, took away my chance to make him the man I wanted him to be, I was completely devastated. I had halfway been expecting it, and yet when it happened, I was appalled. I couldn’t believe that we were through. I begged him to change his mind, I cried until I was hoarse, and it didn’t change a thing. I was just left there with a soggy red face and a sore throat. The day after the break-up my mom and my friend Jamie did everything they could to cheer me up, and I thought I was going to be okay.
And then I saw him. That’s the trouble with dating someone from work-- if it doesn’t work out, you can’t avoid them. You still have to see them every day--still have to be reminded of the failure day after day after day. I wouldn’t let him see me cry, but the moment he was out the door, I was sobbing once more. I tried to make it stop. I knew it was unprofessional to be crying at work. I hated that I always cried. I fought it for two hours and still, I couldn’t force the tears to stop. They sent me home from work, because after all, who wants to eat an extra-salty pizza flavored with my tears. (Perhaps someone who’s a fan of anchovies...) But I couldn’t go home yet--I didn’t want my mom to know how upset I was. I had been keeping my depression a secret from her: she didn’t know about the cutting or the self-induced vomiting and it was definitely not the time to tell her that I wanted nothing more than to die a quiet painless death.
I headed to the back room of Round Table Pizza and waited. An hour passed, and still I cried. I wanted it to stop. I wanted my brain to stop--I wanted the tears to stop--I wanted the breath to stop. I dug in my bag for anything I could find. No razor. No sharp objects. Ah, a bottle of Advil, a bottle of antihistamines... It would have to do. I lined the pills up on the table so I could count. Fifty in all between the two. I’d never been good at swallowing and took them one at a time, like it was a ritual. When it was through, I felt like I needed more and grabbed ten single dosage packages of Aspirin from the first aid kit and swallowed them also. When I was finished, the tears were gone. My brain had started to feel doughy, as though my head had been stuffed with clay. I was calm when I called my parents to pick me up. When I got home, feeling dizzy, panic began to set in. I prayed my first really, non-formulaic prayer: “Oh God! Sh**! What did I do? I really wish I hadn’t done that. I really don’t want to die! My parents can’t handle this. Oh f***! God, I don’t want to die! Help me please!”
That night has been both the foundation of my faith and one of my biggest struggles for the last seven years. Every year on November 29th I have struggled with an enormous burden of guilt--I have been angry, depressed with myself over and over again every year. I have had to constantly forgive myself. But I am writing this mostly just to praise God today, because on my way home from work today I realized that this year I had felt none of that. November 29th passed without event--I felt no guilt, no self-hatred, no depression and had no thoughts of this event at all. I praise God that I have been healed enough that November 29th can go back to being just another day instead of a day filled with dread and regret. I praise God that I can now even survive real love being unreturned because no man is the center of my universe--I am glad that only God can have that place.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Sunday, November 20, 2005
The look of joy
This morning during worship, I found myself smiling uncontrolably. I felt so filled, so joyful that I could do nothing but smile and dance. I have to say, I feel happier, more content, more peaceful than I have for a really long time. I am in the process of shedding the excess baggage that has been weighing me down. For the last four years, I have been struggling to focus on God, to be joyful in Him, to find comfort by His side, because I have been so focused on this one thing that I had allowed to weigh me down. It is not going to weigh me down any more. This burden is being cast aside, it is being pushed away, it is no longer going to be a part of me. I am telling you all this because you are my family in Christ and I want to proclaim before you what I intend to do so that I can be held accountable to that. This burden can no longer be a part of my life. I feel comfortable doing this now, because I know I have so much love from all of you to fill up the space that I've been leaving empty for so long.
I have to say, six months ago, I could not have made this step. I didn't see the love that was out there to keep me from falling. I felt like I was not really part of the church FAMILY at all--that I was really more of like a long term guest. I lurked on the sidelines, clinging to the walls, waiting for someone to invite me into the family, as though I wasn't already a part of it. I only spoke to those who spoke to me first, and even then, I was never really truly honest. That all changed shortly after all the blogs began popping up--one day after church when Scoey was talking to Becky and I, he said something along the lines of I'd told more about myself on my blog in that one month than I had revealed to the people there in four years. That hurt me to hear that. I hadn't really realized that I was keeping people on the outside, not really letting them know me. After that, I made an effort to actively pursue conversations with people. To be honest with them when I spoke--and sometimes I might over share, but it's better than not sharing at all. Once I made this effort to pull myself away from the walls, to engage in face to face conversation, I began to feel like I was a part of the family I had been outside watching the whole time. Here's the thing I've come to realize: If you're part of a family, nobody has to INVITE you to talk to them--you just do it. When I go to my parents house, I don't go stand by the wall until they talk to me; I greet them with joy, because I'm happy to see them. I give them a hug, I ask them how things are going, I tell them how things are going for me, and I don't have to be afraid that they don't love me because they are my family. And why should it be any different in God's house? Why should I go there expecting to be invited to talk, afraid that the people there won't love me, because I know that they do--they are my family, too.
So now that I've come to realize how much I belong, and how much love my family in Christ has to offer, I know that I have the strength to start on a new path. This new path is all about finding what God has for me and really seeking it. It is about turning away from giving my focus to someone who will never love me in return, when it should be on God who has loved me all along. It is about letting go of hurt and finding joy in all things, even those that are tedious and seem unimportant. Nothing that God has for me is unimportant. I need to put that in a prominent place in my room so that I can be reminded of it every time I wake up, every time I go to sleep and everytime I sit at my computer to post another blog. I am going in a new direction and that new direction starts (again, maybe?) today.
I have to say, six months ago, I could not have made this step. I didn't see the love that was out there to keep me from falling. I felt like I was not really part of the church FAMILY at all--that I was really more of like a long term guest. I lurked on the sidelines, clinging to the walls, waiting for someone to invite me into the family, as though I wasn't already a part of it. I only spoke to those who spoke to me first, and even then, I was never really truly honest. That all changed shortly after all the blogs began popping up--one day after church when Scoey was talking to Becky and I, he said something along the lines of I'd told more about myself on my blog in that one month than I had revealed to the people there in four years. That hurt me to hear that. I hadn't really realized that I was keeping people on the outside, not really letting them know me. After that, I made an effort to actively pursue conversations with people. To be honest with them when I spoke--and sometimes I might over share, but it's better than not sharing at all. Once I made this effort to pull myself away from the walls, to engage in face to face conversation, I began to feel like I was a part of the family I had been outside watching the whole time. Here's the thing I've come to realize: If you're part of a family, nobody has to INVITE you to talk to them--you just do it. When I go to my parents house, I don't go stand by the wall until they talk to me; I greet them with joy, because I'm happy to see them. I give them a hug, I ask them how things are going, I tell them how things are going for me, and I don't have to be afraid that they don't love me because they are my family. And why should it be any different in God's house? Why should I go there expecting to be invited to talk, afraid that the people there won't love me, because I know that they do--they are my family, too.
So now that I've come to realize how much I belong, and how much love my family in Christ has to offer, I know that I have the strength to start on a new path. This new path is all about finding what God has for me and really seeking it. It is about turning away from giving my focus to someone who will never love me in return, when it should be on God who has loved me all along. It is about letting go of hurt and finding joy in all things, even those that are tedious and seem unimportant. Nothing that God has for me is unimportant. I need to put that in a prominent place in my room so that I can be reminded of it every time I wake up, every time I go to sleep and everytime I sit at my computer to post another blog. I am going in a new direction and that new direction starts (again, maybe?) today.
Monday, November 14, 2005
The Upside of the Evil K
Today I received a box from my friend Meg who live in Iowa. It contained six books that she had borrowed from me about a year and a half ago and a rather large quantity of candy. The candy was packaged in a bag along with some other "FedEx Peak Shipping Season" supplies such as Duck Tape (Yes, it is DUCK tape because that's the brand of duct tape), Band-Aids, Kleenex, Sharpies, and Chapstick. I had expected to never see my books again, so imagine my surprise when I received an e-mail saying that they were on their way back and THEN receiving a package with not only my books, but a thoughtful gift from a friend who understands just how stressful the Evil K can be. After all, she works in a store in Iowa. At one time we worked in the same store, doing the same job on different shifts.
Meg is just one of the MANY incredible friends I've met through the Evil K. I know that sometimes I make the Evil K sound like an incredibly dreadful place, but when it comes right down to it, it could be worse... I could be working at Walmart where making friends at work could cost you your job because of what's called "Time Theft." But I'll save that for another post. Perhaps tomorrow night after I see the Walmart movie. At any rate, the friends that I've made during the 4+ years I've been with Evil K are well worth some of the more negative aspects of the job. There is Meg who moved to Iowa; Rachel, whose wedding I just recently attended; Theresa and Trish who are now my roommates; Rue who is just Rue... And I'm certain that there will be more as time goes on.
This weekend at the Unnamed Writer's Group meeting that I went to, this author was speaking about perspective. It is very difficult to write when we are looking at it as something that we (writers) have to do... Instead, we should look at it as something that we GET to do, because after all, we do enjoy it once we're doing it. The same thing applies to work. When work is getting to me, I should think, I get to go to work today--because even when things are stressful, I am still in the company of friends. I get to spend time with friends every day because I work with them. How many people can say that and truly mean it? I am blessed in my job, even when it seems like it is awful. I need to remind myself more often to find joy in the good things that I have.
Thanks to Meg for reminding me of one of these good things!
Meg is just one of the MANY incredible friends I've met through the Evil K. I know that sometimes I make the Evil K sound like an incredibly dreadful place, but when it comes right down to it, it could be worse... I could be working at Walmart where making friends at work could cost you your job because of what's called "Time Theft." But I'll save that for another post. Perhaps tomorrow night after I see the Walmart movie. At any rate, the friends that I've made during the 4+ years I've been with Evil K are well worth some of the more negative aspects of the job. There is Meg who moved to Iowa; Rachel, whose wedding I just recently attended; Theresa and Trish who are now my roommates; Rue who is just Rue... And I'm certain that there will be more as time goes on.
This weekend at the Unnamed Writer's Group meeting that I went to, this author was speaking about perspective. It is very difficult to write when we are looking at it as something that we (writers) have to do... Instead, we should look at it as something that we GET to do, because after all, we do enjoy it once we're doing it. The same thing applies to work. When work is getting to me, I should think, I get to go to work today--because even when things are stressful, I am still in the company of friends. I get to spend time with friends every day because I work with them. How many people can say that and truly mean it? I am blessed in my job, even when it seems like it is awful. I need to remind myself more often to find joy in the good things that I have.
Thanks to Meg for reminding me of one of these good things!
Thursday, November 10, 2005
The song of the day
I Belong to You
everybody needs to belong somewhere
life can feel so alone without someone who cares
and when life becomes something just to get through
that's when i'm glad that i belong to you
[chorus]
i belong to you i belong to you
you're the one who will never let me down
won't let me down
i belong to you
sometimes life brings more pain than we can bear alone
when hope is gone and i have no strength to stand on my own
when nothing helps there's nothing that i can do
you surround me and show me i belong to you
when love is gone, there's no arms to run to anymore
i'm all alone there's no one for me to live for
letting go of the things i've always clung to
that's when i need to feel that i belong to you
Superchick 2002
"and when life becomes something just to get through
that's when i'm glad that i belong to you"
This is keeping me going right now... Knowing that I belong to God is something that has given me so much strength. Five years ago there is no way I could have made it through some of the things I've gone through since I recognized this sense of belonging. Even when everyone else lets me down, I can still take comfort in God-though sometimes I have to FORCE myself to remember this fact.
everybody needs to belong somewhere
life can feel so alone without someone who cares
and when life becomes something just to get through
that's when i'm glad that i belong to you
[chorus]
i belong to you i belong to you
you're the one who will never let me down
won't let me down
i belong to you
sometimes life brings more pain than we can bear alone
when hope is gone and i have no strength to stand on my own
when nothing helps there's nothing that i can do
you surround me and show me i belong to you
when love is gone, there's no arms to run to anymore
i'm all alone there's no one for me to live for
letting go of the things i've always clung to
that's when i need to feel that i belong to you
Superchick 2002
"and when life becomes something just to get through
that's when i'm glad that i belong to you"
This is keeping me going right now... Knowing that I belong to God is something that has given me so much strength. Five years ago there is no way I could have made it through some of the things I've gone through since I recognized this sense of belonging. Even when everyone else lets me down, I can still take comfort in God-though sometimes I have to FORCE myself to remember this fact.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Jeni's being arrested (in 3rd person) part2
I now have available a link to my bail page for credit card and debit card donations to the March of Dimes:
www.marchofdimes.com/jailandbail/jenihardie
After Wednesday, I should have a mug shot to post here, so be on the lookout!
www.marchofdimes.com/jailandbail/jenihardie
After Wednesday, I should have a mug shot to post here, so be on the lookout!
Friday, November 04, 2005
Jeni's being arrested on Wednesday!
Okay, here's the deal. On Wednesday, November 9th, I will be "arrested" by the March of Dimes as part of their "Jail & Bail" event. I will be raising money between now and then for my "bail" which means that I essentially am attempting to collect donations for the March of Dimes to be used in their efforts to save premature babies and lower infant mortality. I know this is short notice (as it is for me) but anything you can do to help me reach my "bail" goal would be great.
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