The look of joy

This morning during worship, I found myself smiling uncontrolably. I felt so filled, so joyful that I could do nothing but smile and dance. I have to say, I feel happier, more content, more peaceful than I have for a really long time. I am in the process of shedding the excess baggage that has been weighing me down. For the last four years, I have been struggling to focus on God, to be joyful in Him, to find comfort by His side, because I have been so focused on this one thing that I had allowed to weigh me down. It is not going to weigh me down any more. This burden is being cast aside, it is being pushed away, it is no longer going to be a part of me. I am telling you all this because you are my family in Christ and I want to proclaim before you what I intend to do so that I can be held accountable to that. This burden can no longer be a part of my life. I feel comfortable doing this now, because I know I have so much love from all of you to fill up the space that I've been leaving empty for so long.
I have to say, six months ago, I could not have made this step. I didn't see the love that was out there to keep me from falling. I felt like I was not really part of the church FAMILY at all--that I was really more of like a long term guest. I lurked on the sidelines, clinging to the walls, waiting for someone to invite me into the family, as though I wasn't already a part of it. I only spoke to those who spoke to me first, and even then, I was never really truly honest. That all changed shortly after all the blogs began popping up--one day after church when Scoey was talking to Becky and I, he said something along the lines of I'd told more about myself on my blog in that one month than I had revealed to the people there in four years. That hurt me to hear that. I hadn't really realized that I was keeping people on the outside, not really letting them know me. After that, I made an effort to actively pursue conversations with people. To be honest with them when I spoke--and sometimes I might over share, but it's better than not sharing at all. Once I made this effort to pull myself away from the walls, to engage in face to face conversation, I began to feel like I was a part of the family I had been outside watching the whole time. Here's the thing I've come to realize: If you're part of a family, nobody has to INVITE you to talk to them--you just do it. When I go to my parents house, I don't go stand by the wall until they talk to me; I greet them with joy, because I'm happy to see them. I give them a hug, I ask them how things are going, I tell them how things are going for me, and I don't have to be afraid that they don't love me because they are my family. And why should it be any different in God's house? Why should I go there expecting to be invited to talk, afraid that the people there won't love me, because I know that they do--they are my family, too.
So now that I've come to realize how much I belong, and how much love my family in Christ has to offer, I know that I have the strength to start on a new path. This new path is all about finding what God has for me and really seeking it. It is about turning away from giving my focus to someone who will never love me in return, when it should be on God who has loved me all along. It is about letting go of hurt and finding joy in all things, even those that are tedious and seem unimportant. Nothing that God has for me is unimportant. I need to put that in a prominent place in my room so that I can be reminded of it every time I wake up, every time I go to sleep and everytime I sit at my computer to post another blog. I am going in a new direction and that new direction starts (again, maybe?) today.