Old Wounds Made New

I've been struggling again... The dreams that haunt my sleep. The sights and sights that haunt my waking time. He is in them all. My heart will not release those memories. It's easy enough to force them out when I'm awake, but how do I control what happens when I'm asleep. I've tried thinking about other things, reading, writing and of course praying before I go to bed, but none of these things change what I dream about when I'm asleep.
On top of that, there was another hurt on this subject inflicted by a friend. This is not what she intended, I know--but none the less, it hurt. Why would she think she needed to tell me that he called her last night, randomly--out of nowhere. She says she has no clue why. I'm sure that it's because he's lonely after his most recent hurt--and I hurt knowing that he's hurting. I'm sure that he misses the friends he left behind and the advice and sense of well-being that they offered him. But why did I need to know about this. Why couldn't she have kept this to herself? Because now a question is running through my head that I don't like. Did he ask about me? Does he still care? Does he miss me, too? I don't know if I'd like the answers to all of these questions that have suddenly piled up on top of all the hurt I already had on this subject. Because I miss him. I miss his face. I miss the sound of his voice. I miss his hugs--more comforting than the hugs of anyone else I know. I miss his bad jokes and his company late at night. I could go on forever listing the things that I miss about him, but that will get me nowhere.
Every time I seem to be moving forward, suddenly I slide back again. I cannot see where God is taking me and I feel like I'm losing faith because I've been stuck in this nightmare for so long. I need one of two things--I need God to give me peace in this situation--to take away the dreams and help me to be content; OR I need someone to confirm that what I feel like God is telling me is either reality or something I made up in my head. I want to run away from my life. I want to go someplace new so that there won't be sights and sounds that remind me of him. I want to stay up all night, night after night, so that I won't see him in my dreams. I want someone to sweep me off my feet so that might fall in love again.
Jesus, please, heal my heart. Take away the loneliness and help me find contentedness.

Monochromatic Life

Blue days go marching on
Sky overhead and shadowed ground
Cobalt buildings left and right
And legs of denim walking 'round

Forever living midnights past
When no ocean was too wide
To separate two royal-blooded friends
Whose fragile, robins' egg souls were tied

Electric dreams surge through my sleep
Of his cerulean eyes, so clear and smart
And navy veins still work non-stop
Pumping blood through this steel blue heart

Stolen from Shontell's blog:

I AM: Flippin' short I WANT: To marry the man God has for me... Anytime now... I WILL: Run a half marathon next year. I HAVE: WAY too many shoes. I WISH: I could tell if God has really told me this or if I'm just making it up... I HATE: Bad grammar. It makes me cringe. And being late. I MISS: Having someone to hang out with late at night. I HEAR: Music... Even when there's none playing. I WONDER: How long I will have to wait. I AM NOT: As disciplined as I wish I was. I ALWAYS: Call my mom when I get home. It's a simple thing, but it makes her happy. I LAUGH: At jokes that nobody else thinks are funny. I CRY: Way more than I should, but way less than I used to. I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: My Christmas gifts every year. I WRITE: In my blog more than anywhere else right now. I REGRET: Not writing as much as I should. I NEED: Someone to hold me when I've had a bad day. (I know, I'm sappy.) I SHOULD: Spend more time writing and less time moping. (Are we noticing a theme here?) I MUST: seem like such a loser stop being so mean to myself. I DON'T: value my commitments to myself... only my commitments to others.

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Warning: This article is very disturbing...

The Dumbing Down of America

Not a girly girl...

I find myself constantly reminded of the fact that I have an EXTREMELY difficult time relating to the super girly-girl types. My friends tend to be guys or girls who get along better with guys. Over the last few years, I have become friends with more women (as my guys friends ran off and got married, moved away, etc.) but there are still women with whom I find conversation to be extremely awkward, for several reasons:
1. I hate to talk about make-up, unless of course the conversation is about A LACK of make-up, or record speed in putting on make-up. I am very low maintenance, and do not relate to the people who talk about their daily skin and make-up regimen.
2. I do not like when women consider themselves to be LESSER BEINGS than their husbands. I can understand a certain level of submissiveness, but to act like one's spouse is the only person in the family who knows anything about anything is completely absurd, and I cannot deal with it.
3. I don't mind talking about my "stuff" (clothes, household items, etc.) but I don't want to talk about them all of the time. My possessions are not my identity, nor should they be. I should not be viewed as a better/worse person because of the quality of my things, but unfortunately I find that even Christians are guilty of this sometimes.
4. I like to talk about/analyze literature and movies--girly girls tend not to do this. They watch the movie, and don't really think a lot about it afterward. When I talk about what I think could have been done better in a movie, I generally get a blank stare from these women. Men are always open to debating the quality of a movie/book. Why is this?

The moral of the story is, I'm not an extremely girly girl. Yes, I like to do different things with my hair (as long as it doesn't take more than 3 minutes to do in the morning). Yes, I occasionally like to wear a skirt or dress. But I'm also not afraid to leave the house as I am, no make-up, no
hairstyle, just me--wash and wear...
So I suppose my challenge, to myself, is to try to find some common ground with those girly-girls that I struggle to connect with. I'm not sure what or where it is, but I'm sure I'll find it eventually! :)