Old Wounds Made New

I've been struggling again... The dreams that haunt my sleep. The sights and sights that haunt my waking time. He is in them all. My heart will not release those memories. It's easy enough to force them out when I'm awake, but how do I control what happens when I'm asleep. I've tried thinking about other things, reading, writing and of course praying before I go to bed, but none of these things change what I dream about when I'm asleep.
On top of that, there was another hurt on this subject inflicted by a friend. This is not what she intended, I know--but none the less, it hurt. Why would she think she needed to tell me that he called her last night, randomly--out of nowhere. She says she has no clue why. I'm sure that it's because he's lonely after his most recent hurt--and I hurt knowing that he's hurting. I'm sure that he misses the friends he left behind and the advice and sense of well-being that they offered him. But why did I need to know about this. Why couldn't she have kept this to herself? Because now a question is running through my head that I don't like. Did he ask about me? Does he still care? Does he miss me, too? I don't know if I'd like the answers to all of these questions that have suddenly piled up on top of all the hurt I already had on this subject. Because I miss him. I miss his face. I miss the sound of his voice. I miss his hugs--more comforting than the hugs of anyone else I know. I miss his bad jokes and his company late at night. I could go on forever listing the things that I miss about him, but that will get me nowhere.
Every time I seem to be moving forward, suddenly I slide back again. I cannot see where God is taking me and I feel like I'm losing faith because I've been stuck in this nightmare for so long. I need one of two things--I need God to give me peace in this situation--to take away the dreams and help me to be content; OR I need someone to confirm that what I feel like God is telling me is either reality or something I made up in my head. I want to run away from my life. I want to go someplace new so that there won't be sights and sounds that remind me of him. I want to stay up all night, night after night, so that I won't see him in my dreams. I want someone to sweep me off my feet so that might fall in love again.
Jesus, please, heal my heart. Take away the loneliness and help me find contentedness.