Saturday, November 11, 2006

To Tell or Not To Tell...

The recent crises at work have left me feeling rather contemplative. My novel has not been going well because of the time spent at work, but I don't resent this because I need to be there during this. I have a co-worker who is experiencing some things that I've experienced in the past, which is the cause of the contemplative mood. The contemplative mood got me wondering why I was having such a hard time with the story that I'm trying to write. And I thought I felt a nudge that this is not the story I need to be telling right now. That I need to go back to one that I've already started and failed to finish. I need to finish writing MY story. The one about how I reached where I am right now. The one I was still too involved in to write a year ago. The one I'm not sure I want to finish.
What's that? Why would I not want to finish it? But the problem is, if I finish it, I have to do something with it. And if I do something with it, I have to tell my parents a lot of things that they don't know that I'm not sure how they will take it. And yet I feel a nudge back toward this project. It is the time. Now that I'm more secure in myself. Now that I know people who need to read it.
Which brings me back to work. As I said, I have a co-worker who is experiencing some things that I experience in the past. And I know that Jesus is the only one who can fix these problems. I don't even know yet if this co-worker will be returning to work, but I'm afraid for that time. I was talking to my only Christian co-worker about this and he told me that maybe that's what I'm still at the Evil K for. This terrifies me. Right in the middle of the time when I'm trying to escape, right when it seemed it was time to leave, and all of a sudden there appears to be a reason for me to be there. I mean, I know that there's always purpose, but this is a big thing. It almost feels too big for me to handle if this co-worker comes back to work. I don't know how to do it. I know that I don't have to worry about it because God will take care of the timing and give me direction, but that doesn't stop me from worrying, even though I know that worrying does no good. At any any rate, I know that this all sounds like a crazy, jumbled mess in this context, but if I talk to you in person, I'll be sure to explain...

Over and out!

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