Changing Directions

I should be sleeping right now, but once again, I find myself awake and restless. I got a rejection letter today in my e-mail for the job that I interviewed for. I knew on Tuesday that I wasn't going to get the job--not because of anything I did or didn't do in the interview and not for lack of qualifications but because it's just another job. I've been feeling for a while that God wants me to have more than just another job. He wants me to have career. The trouble of it is, it's near impossible to find a career with a degree in English. I guess that's what I get for basing my degree on my passion rather than on my gifts.
I have always loved writing. I have always been great at spelling and grammar--my mother had me revising her letters and other documents when I was in second grade. But that is more of an obsession than a gift. Things just bug me if they're not correct. My real strong point all through school was math. It was the ONLY subject I always had an A in (except middle school when I just didn't get A's, period even though I was on the Math Counts team, which was the middle school equivalent of mathletes. Shut up, I know I'm a nerd). But in high school, despite getting A's without ever studying, I chickened out. I had a friend who failed Trig the year I was in Algebra 3/4 and I chickened out. For some reason I had it in my mind that she was smarter than me and so if she couldn't pass Trig, then I shouldn't even bother. Stupid, I know, but confidence has never been my strong point. Even the fact that the college of Engineering at UNR was trying to recruit me indirectly all through high school because of my math scores didn't convince me that I was smart enough to do it. Besides, my passion was writing, and everyone knows that passion should be the most important factor in determining a college major, right? I mean, since I never wanted to be anything but a writer, isn't it only logical that I should ask myself, "What does one do with a passion for writing (and a passion for theatre)?"
Recently, I have begun to realize that our gifts aren't always our passions. It's kind of depressing for me, but it is a reality. For years I've been trying to fight against the fact that no matter how much passion I have for words, numbers come more easily for me. The most recent example of this I can give you is my GRE (Graduate Record Exam). I took the exam when I was thinking of going to Nashville to get a Masters in Creative Writing. I spent three times longer studying for the verbal portion of the exam as I did for the math since that was the area that I needed to score higher in. I had not taken a math class for 7 years prior to the exam. And then my results come back and I scored better in math than I did on the verbal or the writing portion. After being out of practice for 7 years!
This is very difficult to admit, but the tragic reality is that despite my efforts to deny it, writing is not my gift. Yes, it is my passion, my joy and a way for me to relax and unwind, but it is not my gift. This is not to say I am not good at writing, because I hope I am--but I have had to work very hard on it to get to where I am.
So, if you're still here, reading my rambling, you're probably wondering where I'm going with this. I keep trying to find a reason why God would want me to continue working a schedule where I am isolated, but I haven't found one. I've been promised by my manager that it's going to change soon, but part of me knows that it's not. God kind of put a bug in my ear that this might be a time to try to work on a career for myself. So the plan right now is as follows:
1. Finish paying off my last credit card (only about $1000 to go).
2. Save money to start taking classes.
3. Visit UNR Admissions and Records to see what I need to do to start taking classes again.
4. Take Math 128 through Independent Learning as kind of a refresher/brush up/whatever.
5. Take Calculus to see if I can handle it and see where that takes me.
I swear I have not gone crazy. The problem is that I need to find a career that is going to be challenging for me. I get extremely bored and irritated with doing the EXACT same thing EVERY SINGLE DAY. There has to be room to constantly be learning new things. I have reason to believe that this is why God has kept me at the Evil K for so long. Despite all of the really irritating customers who think they should get their stuff for free and the corporate greed that never seems to end, the job itself is actually somewhat enjoyable. Since we offer so many different services, and since the technology is always changing, there is always something new to learn. It never gets stale. My reason for wanting to leave the Evil K could never be because I have nothing left to learn, because that would never happen. All the same, I still REALLY don't like my schedule, but I suppose I might as well take advantage of it and work on some classes. At least then I will actually see other humans during the day.