I'm in a phase again where I'm finding myself lacking the motivation to blog. After all- what is the point of sharing my heart if nobody finds it necessary to reciprocate?
The truth is this is something I've been struggling with in all parts of my life, not just online. I find myself not wanting to make the effort to put myself out there only to be ignored or pushed aside. It happens online and it happens in real life and I have been finding myself resentful of the people who do it. I am tired of constantly reaching out to people, of making an effort to love them when they aren't willing to give me the time of day.
This is where my epiphany comes in- this past Sunday, I arrived at church and was immediately in a foul mood. The people I have repeatedly attempted to reach out to just smile an walk on by. I stand around waiting for somebody to show up who actually wants to be a part of my life. I see a friend arrive and it improves my mood just a bit. Then, just before worship begins, another friend arrives and joins me where I am sitting. Worship begins and I'm feeling just a little bit happier. Then another friend arrives and joins me on my other side. And I'm filled with an overwhelming joy. I suddenly feel as though things are JUST as they should be.
I am convicted. I know that I have been selfish. I would not be happy being the center of attention, and yet sometimes that is what I want. In this overwhelming joy, God reminds me that He has handpicked each and every one of my friends and placed them in my life for a very special reason. Each of them fulfills a specific need in my life-- and I have no needs that are left un-met that would be fulfilled by any of the people whose attention I have been striving after. Things are just as they should be in God's eyes.
Just like a real family, just because somebody spends the majority of their time with other family members, it does not mean that they love you less. And there should never be a time where I do not show love to somebody simply because they have not been showing love to me. We are called to love others-- not to love only those who will show us love in return.
Jesus, please help me to love without expectation of anything in return. Help me to be grateful for the life that I have rather than resentful that it's not the life I want. Fill me with the same joy I felt in the moment I was surrounded by my friends, knowing that you have placed them in my life for a reason.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
A New Season
It has always been that my friends come in and out of my life in seasons. It is gradual, but when I look back, it looks like things changed quite quickly.
Right now, it seems that I am entering a new season again. I love my old friends dearly and they are still and will continue to be my friends. But we're not in the same place anymore and they are no longer the people I feel most comfortable turning to when I'm down and just need someone to cry with, to pray with. Over the last year or two, I have made some great new friends and reconnected with old friends who are in the same place that I am. But with the new friends, I still haven't quite established who is the one I should call when I'm feeling particularly lonely and vulnerable and need somebody to pray with. I kind of feel like I'm wandering.
Over the last few years, I have become 100% more outgoing than I used to be, and yet I still find myself feeling lonely. There is no rhyme or reason to it. It just happens. While it is great to have lots of friends and spend time in large groups, I still need to connect on the personal level with people as individuals.
And that part is finally starting to come around to. This new season may just be spring time when the sun begins to shine much brighter and the beautiful colors begin to light up all around.
Right now, it seems that I am entering a new season again. I love my old friends dearly and they are still and will continue to be my friends. But we're not in the same place anymore and they are no longer the people I feel most comfortable turning to when I'm down and just need someone to cry with, to pray with. Over the last year or two, I have made some great new friends and reconnected with old friends who are in the same place that I am. But with the new friends, I still haven't quite established who is the one I should call when I'm feeling particularly lonely and vulnerable and need somebody to pray with. I kind of feel like I'm wandering.
Over the last few years, I have become 100% more outgoing than I used to be, and yet I still find myself feeling lonely. There is no rhyme or reason to it. It just happens. While it is great to have lots of friends and spend time in large groups, I still need to connect on the personal level with people as individuals.
And that part is finally starting to come around to. This new season may just be spring time when the sun begins to shine much brighter and the beautiful colors begin to light up all around.
Sunday, February 08, 2009
Violated!
Yes-- It is a tale of excitement and adventure, most of which I missed, despite the fact that it happened to me.
So today, just like every Sunday, I had bowling at the Coconut Bowl at 6:00. Our practice starts at about 5:50. Nothing particularly notable about this day. I did have a drink-something called "orange dreamsicle"- which is a little bit different. On about my third practice ball, I went up, took my turn, and when I came back, everybody is pointing at my purse and asking whose it is. I said that it was mine, and of course, asked why they wanted to know. I thought maybe somebody had spilled something on it, or knocked it on the floor or something.
And then the bartender said that he caught some guy trying to steal it. During the minute I was up throwing a practice ball, some guy had grabbed it and stuffed it under his coat. The bartender saw him and said something to him, at which time he dropped my purse and ran off. The bartender brought it back, and that is the moment that I returned from my practice ball.
I didn't see any of this happen-- this is just what I have been told. But I checked my purse to make sure nothing was missing, and then I took my wallet, stuck it in my pocket and asked my dad to put my purse in the car.
I thought that was all-- I felt violated and upset, but I thought that there was nothing to be done. I assumed that the guy had fled the property never to be seen again. But then halfway through the first game, the Sparks PD showed up and wanted to ask me about what had happened. I really didn't know anything since I didn't see anything. But then they said that since it was my property, I had to decide whether or not I wanted to press charges. All throughout the first game the police were in and out with reports to be filled out and statements to be made.
Then they needed to go through my purse to assess the value of the items inside to determine if the would be thief would be charged with a misdemeanor or a felony. It turns out that I had almost $500.00 worth of personal property in my purse (including the purse itself). So, apparently that makes it a felony. So we got everything wrapped up and my dad took my purse back to the car and the remainder of the night was uneventful.
I joked through the final two games, but when the evening was over, I just felt sick to my stomach. I felt violated- but also I felt incredibly blessed. The bartender's attentiveness saved me a lot of time, money and frustration. I feel like I should give him a giant hug (which would obviously be inappropriate) or buy him a drink (which would also be moderately inappropriate) or send him a cookie basket or something.
I think maybe I should have another drink before bed. Ugh, what a night.
So today, just like every Sunday, I had bowling at the Coconut Bowl at 6:00. Our practice starts at about 5:50. Nothing particularly notable about this day. I did have a drink-something called "orange dreamsicle"- which is a little bit different. On about my third practice ball, I went up, took my turn, and when I came back, everybody is pointing at my purse and asking whose it is. I said that it was mine, and of course, asked why they wanted to know. I thought maybe somebody had spilled something on it, or knocked it on the floor or something.
And then the bartender said that he caught some guy trying to steal it. During the minute I was up throwing a practice ball, some guy had grabbed it and stuffed it under his coat. The bartender saw him and said something to him, at which time he dropped my purse and ran off. The bartender brought it back, and that is the moment that I returned from my practice ball.
I didn't see any of this happen-- this is just what I have been told. But I checked my purse to make sure nothing was missing, and then I took my wallet, stuck it in my pocket and asked my dad to put my purse in the car.
I thought that was all-- I felt violated and upset, but I thought that there was nothing to be done. I assumed that the guy had fled the property never to be seen again. But then halfway through the first game, the Sparks PD showed up and wanted to ask me about what had happened. I really didn't know anything since I didn't see anything. But then they said that since it was my property, I had to decide whether or not I wanted to press charges. All throughout the first game the police were in and out with reports to be filled out and statements to be made.
Then they needed to go through my purse to assess the value of the items inside to determine if the would be thief would be charged with a misdemeanor or a felony. It turns out that I had almost $500.00 worth of personal property in my purse (including the purse itself). So, apparently that makes it a felony. So we got everything wrapped up and my dad took my purse back to the car and the remainder of the night was uneventful.
I joked through the final two games, but when the evening was over, I just felt sick to my stomach. I felt violated- but also I felt incredibly blessed. The bartender's attentiveness saved me a lot of time, money and frustration. I feel like I should give him a giant hug (which would obviously be inappropriate) or buy him a drink (which would also be moderately inappropriate) or send him a cookie basket or something.
I think maybe I should have another drink before bed. Ugh, what a night.
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