I'm in a phase again where I'm finding myself lacking the motivation to blog. After all- what is the point of sharing my heart if nobody finds it necessary to reciprocate?
The truth is this is something I've been struggling with in all parts of my life, not just online. I find myself not wanting to make the effort to put myself out there only to be ignored or pushed aside. It happens online and it happens in real life and I have been finding myself resentful of the people who do it. I am tired of constantly reaching out to people, of making an effort to love them when they aren't willing to give me the time of day.
This is where my epiphany comes in- this past Sunday, I arrived at church and was immediately in a foul mood. The people I have repeatedly attempted to reach out to just smile an walk on by. I stand around waiting for somebody to show up who actually wants to be a part of my life. I see a friend arrive and it improves my mood just a bit. Then, just before worship begins, another friend arrives and joins me where I am sitting. Worship begins and I'm feeling just a little bit happier. Then another friend arrives and joins me on my other side. And I'm filled with an overwhelming joy. I suddenly feel as though things are JUST as they should be.
I am convicted. I know that I have been selfish. I would not be happy being the center of attention, and yet sometimes that is what I want. In this overwhelming joy, God reminds me that He has handpicked each and every one of my friends and placed them in my life for a very special reason. Each of them fulfills a specific need in my life-- and I have no needs that are left un-met that would be fulfilled by any of the people whose attention I have been striving after. Things are just as they should be in God's eyes.
Just like a real family, just because somebody spends the majority of their time with other family members, it does not mean that they love you less. And there should never be a time where I do not show love to somebody simply because they have not been showing love to me. We are called to love others-- not to love only those who will show us love in return.
Jesus, please help me to love without expectation of anything in return. Help me to be grateful for the life that I have rather than resentful that it's not the life I want. Fill me with the same joy I felt in the moment I was surrounded by my friends, knowing that you have placed them in my life for a reason.
3 comments:
Good for you Jeni . . . This was very thoughtfully written . . .
Amen.. I stand in agreement with you. :)
blogging has been unfulfilling, for sure. i blame facebook. i hate facebook - i think i'm going to cancel mine.
but first i must blog about why.
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