Working Through...

This has been a period of time for me where I'm working through a lot of stuff. I'm trying to learn to value myself enough to keep the commitments I make to myself. I'm trying to find contentment with the family that God has given me even though it looks nothing like the family I thought I'd have by now. It's been challenging. I'm used to making excuses for myself, finding reasons why I can't do the things I want to do- I don't feel well... I have this other thing to do... I am just too tired... So doing the same thing that I want to do every day for sixty days has been a healing process. And as far as the family goes-- I'm lost on how to deal with that challenge. Every time I turn around, there's another person close to me starting on their journey to start their families. I am overjoyed by the thought of having additions to the family God has blessed me with, and yet it is a challenge because it means that I am watching up close and personal as my friends are blessed with the things I have been waiting patiently (and sometimes not so patiently) for a good number of years. I am daily seeing the joy they are experiencing and trying to be content while I wait for my own joy. But it's not always as easy as just knowing...

Today I was hoping to talk to someone about all of this junk, and instead I ended up crying more as I discovered that even more of the people who have invested in me and loved on me even when it seemed like nobody cared will be moving on to something new. I am, again, happy for them as they move forward in their journey of life, but I am also sad. The past year of time has seen many of the people who invested in me move away or leave for other reasons, and while some of them are still in contact and loving me and encouraging me, others don't even offer so much as a hello on Facebook anymore, and that has hurt quite a bit. I'm afraid of this happening with more friends, more family as they go off in new directions. I know that I should not be afraid, but I don't want to slide back into being the person who hides in the corner and waits for people to notice me. I feel myself slipping back in that direction sometimes and I'm not sure how to stop it when it feels like I'm starting all over again-- investing in new relationships with people who have not yet grown to know and love me as I am.

After all of this ick today, and processing, I really didn't feel like doing anything. Of course I went to yoga, because it would be stupid to give up with just five days to go and for such a petty reason. So I went and hoped that since I'd only had one other class with this teacher that she wouldn't notice me- that I could just blend into the background and get it over with. But that is not what happened. Instead this teacher commented on my postures throughout the class, which made me want to work harder. After class she commented some more. Also, several other people offered encouragement to me as I get close to completing my 60 day challenge. It made me feel a million times better to know that people see the hard work that I put into something that I am doing. It made it clear to me that people see it in other parts of my life, too-- It's just me that doesn't always see it, that doesn't always recognize that the things that I am doing really are a big deal in some way. I tend to downplay the things I do, like they don't really matter, rather than being excited for what I have accomplished. As I said, I am learning. I am moving forward in my own way. And the things that I do are important in their own ways.

Stagnant

I thought that accomplishing something would fill something that was lacking in my life. And in a way it has. I really am learning to value myself enough to keep my commitments to myself. It really is a good thing. But in another sense I feel like it hasn't changed anything. While I'm valuing myself in my own life, I still feel like I'm standing still while everything moves and changes around me. I am seeing friends and family members all around having their dreams come true- weddings, babies, graduations, careers, all of it. And here I am living- every day the same as the one before. Nothing bad happening, which is a blessing, but nothing good either. Just the same old stuff, different day.
I am struggling to find peace with God's timing. I know in my head that His timing is perfect and if things aren't happening for me, it's because it's just not the right time yet. But my heart is impatient after all of these years that I've been waiting for my turn.
The other day after my yoga class, one of the other students asked if I was writing about my experience working toward completing 60 classes in 60 days. She'd heard that I was a writer (I'm not quite sure how) and she thought it would be a good thing to write about. I was ashamed to admit that it hadn't really occurred to me. I suppose writing will be the next commitment to myself that I need to work on keeping while I'm waiting for God's timing to bring me a family to love.