When I wrote my last post, I promised that I'd be back to talk about what I had originally planned to write about. It was supposed to be Monday night, but as it has a tendency to do, life got a little bit busy and several full days flew by in a haze of cleaning and toddler adventures and work and flying diapers. In case you're wondering about the flying diapers, we have gone back to putting Linnea in only one piece pajamas because otherwise she removes her pants and diapers and throws them out of the crib. I completely understand the sentiment, but we do not have enough mattress covers to allow such an arrangement to continue.
So what I had originally intended to write about was remembering. We heard a particularly passionate sermon at church on Sunday about how looking back on where we've come from we should be more than thankful at how far we've come with Jesus. For me, it was a bittersweet feeling - because I celebrate how far I've come since I began to follow Jesus, but I also mourn how much ground I've lost over the last several years. Facebook's wonderful "on this day" reminder has been dredging up many painful memories of the days leading up to the last time I spoke to my mom, which are also somewhat comforting memories because it was during a season in which I felt closest to God. I had finally begun to set goals and work toward them. I had many great friends at church. I was doing a 30 day yoga challenge which ended up turning into a 60 day yoga challenge. It was the first time in a long time that I had actually followed through on a goal I set.
The day after I finished that challenge was the last time I spoke with my mother. She went to the hospital with pneumonia and the next day she was sedated and put on a ventilator and never regained consciousness. It was Father's Day weekend that year and I'm relatively sure that was the first time I had ever seen my dad cry. The next 25 days were a roller coaster ride filled with ups and downs. There were times when things looked like they were improving, followed by giant dips where we found ourselves falling so fast it made us dizzy. This is the time in my life, looking back that I can most see God actively at work for me. I prayed constantly. I whispered prayers over my mom. I had friends who came and prayed with me. I fully put my trust in God. And He provided, though not in the way that I had hoped he would. My mom passed away after 25 days in the hospital, but I never once questioned God's goodness because I had so many people standing by me and caring for me so that I would be strong enough to stand by and care for the rest of my family.
The first year was ridiculously hard, and yet a ton of amazing things happened that year. I finished National Novel Writing Month for the first time ever. I started Weight Watchers and CrossFit and eventually lost a ton of weight. I got my finances together and started working toward buying a condo or townhome. I decided to try online dating again and I was confident enough to be okay when things didn't work out. Things were going well and as much as I missed my mom each and every day, my life seemed to be on an upswing. I was the most content that I had ever been. Then my joy was compounded because about a year and a half after my mom passed away, I started dating Josh. I continued on my journey and found myself in the best shape I'd been in since high school, probably better shape, actually because my diet was healthier. As time went on I finally committed to a regular tithing schedule, I got baptized by immersion (rather than sprinkling which I'd always thought was good enough) and Josh and I were leading a small group at our church.
When people say that marriage is hard, they aren't joking. It's absolutely a blessing, also, but it is certainly not for the weak of heart. A few months before Josh and I got married, we experienced our first big hurdle. And I will be honest and admit that I did not handle it well. I mean, I did in the moment, but in the grand scheme of things, I did not handle it well. I thought I was handling it well at the time but when I look back, I can see that I was trying too hard to be in control and not trusting God to handle it. I have continued to struggle in this area of trusting God for our entire marriage so far and it has been damaging to my health both physically and emotionally. I am constantly trying to control the situation, and when I can't, I feel like I've failed and then I eat... And eat... And eat... I've always been an emotional eater, but during that season when I was fully trusting God, I did not struggle with that.
I am still trying to learn how to find that level of connection with God now that it's not just me. I know that God should be my primary relationship, but obviously the way I connect with God as a married woman with a child is not going to be the same way I connected with God as a single woman with all of the time in the world. It not quite like starting over, but it's like going halfway down the mountain and strapping on a hundred pound backpack and trying to go up the same way you did before. That may be a bad analogy because it's not that it's heavy or a burden, but it does require a different path. When you have two becoming one, as in marriage, it doesn't mean that all of your desires and plans suddenly become the same. And because God is not a micromanager, there are things that are left up to us, and since us is more than just me, there has to be a different way to climb the mountain that works for both of us, together as one.
I'm not good at this. Even though I wouldn't come out and say it, I often act in a way that says that I think that my way is the best way. And when people can't see that, I get in a funk and I convince myself that God is punishing me for not doing a good enough job even though I know that is not consistent with the character of God, nor am I the only one responsible for mistakes we make together. As a result of fighting so hard to be in control and not trusting God, I've lost so much ground in so many areas that I had previously developed good habits and I know that it is because I am so completely weak and broken on my own. I have no strength or discipline without God. Now that I have seen this, I am starting to try to develop healthy habits again, with the help of God, but it is a struggle every day because part of me is still clinging to the desire to control things that are not mine to control. I pray that God would give me the strength to fully let it go and to follow His guidance in all areas of my life.
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