So, I have been on vacation all this week, and I am really enjoying it. However, that is not to say that I took a vacation so I could sit around and be lazy and not work, which is pretty much what I did on Monday and Tuesday. But in reality, even though I wasn't going anywhere, I decided to take my vacation so that I could spend time writing more extensively than I do when I am working. So yesterday, I set myself out on that task. Total pages completed yesterday: 10. So my goal is to write 10 pages everyday until I go back to work. That way, when I go back to work, I will have 50 pages, which will be a very good start.
This is not an easy task, in any way. It seems like it should be fairly easy to write about one's own life, but when you are writing about what you've lost--even the happy parts are sad. I don't know if that makes any sense. I guess that what I'm trying to say is, it's very difficult to write about some of the happiest times of my life because right now it seems like I won't ever be that happy again. I know that this all sounds very depressing, and in some ways it is, but I can't see any other way to move past it. I've been praying about the whole thing for several years, but I can't seem to be able to let it go, so I'm trying something new. If I write about it, I will be dumping it all out--every bit of it, even the things that nobody else never knew--and maybe then, once it's out, I'll be able to let it go. It's worth a try, and that is what I'm doing.
I know that this sounds rather vague and enigmatic at the moment, but I'm still trudging through it, trying to figure out what pain is real, and what is created.
2 comments:
I don't know if I could fill up 10 pages writing about myself, let alone 50. Speaking of goals, I had very little to do over summer break other than watch the kids and keep up on the yard work. I signed up to learn bass guitar for the Germany trip in 3 weeks, put together a power point show for kids camp next week and signed up for a correspondence geometry course. Now I have goals coming out my ears, yet I still find time to visit all our blogs a few times a day.
My train of though really derailed at some point there. What I was getting at is: goals are meant to be readjusted. Times will be that good again for you although it might take some evaluation that may lead to you (with God's help) redefining what good looks like for you - at least that's my experience.
I know what you're saying, and I know that you're right, but my heart just isn't there yet. I have 25 years worth of garbage to sort through. It's not a matter of dwelling on the past--it's more a matter of evaluating where things went wrong before so that I can keep myself from making the same mistakes again. And also figuring out which mistakes may not have been mistakes at all. It's really hard to explain in this forum.
So on the topic of you: how's the bass guitar going? Hopefully it is all well. On the subject of filling up 50 pages, I think I could probably fill up 50 pages about almost anyone because that is what I do. I write. That is who I am. It's all about fictionalizing the the things you don't know or don't remember to get to the greater truth. :)
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