Self-doubt is an ongoing battle for me. I have had people tell me that by doubting myself, I am doubting God because I'm saying that something he created is not good. I also frequently hear the messages of how we don't measure up to God's standards and only by his grace are we saved. I have no trouble accepting the second statement. In fact, I am EXCEEDINGLY aware of the ways I do not live up to God's standard. I keep pressing forward, trying to improve myself, but I keep backsliding, falling into habits that God does not love. I constantly find myself worrying what other people think of me, and sometimes, being the imperfect person that I am, I let that have more control over me than what God thinks of me.
Case in point: Sometimes, when people don't say more than an occasional hello to me, I think that it is a sign that they a) don't like me or b) are mad at me. I do not, however, attempt to talk to them. I let my fear of being rejected, ignored, turned away, keep me from developing relationships. Yes, I am aware of it, and yes, I do TRY to push through it, but some people intimidate me more than others. I am almost 26--there is no reason for me to be afraid of the bullies on the playground anymore. However, I constantly find myself analyzing, trying to find a reason why such-and-such doesn't talk to me. Maybe (s)he just doesn't like me. Or maybe (s)he thinks I'm a bad person. I bet that's it. But if that's it, isn't it his/her duty as a fellow Christian to let me know what it is I'm doing that is bad/unhealthy/offensive so that I might be able to improve myself. Oh shoot. I bet it's because I talk too much. Or maybe (s)he thinks that my stance on (important religious issue) is not Biblical. I wish people would just tell me what I'm doing wrong, why they aren't talking to me. Being criticized would be better than being ignored. And all the while, I am ignoring said people, in some senses intentionally avoiding them because when it comes to whether or not people like me, sometimes ignorance is bliss.
Has anyone else had such a bitter struggle with self doubt, and if so, any advice on how I can make my next step in conquering. I know it's a long process, and I've been dealing with it for a while, but I feel that I have reached a standstill, a plateau, that I am stagnant.
1 comment:
often what we do, say, or "give off" is just a symptom of something going on deeper. a lot of medecines are used to cover-up or relieve symptoms. this of course, doesn't get @ the root of the real problem. we could put band-aids on our physical & spiritual beings, but the problem still resides beneath the surface. rather than give just another way to escape/deny/cover the symptom, i'd recommend looking @ why you do what you do. you won't be able to do this by yourself/conscious mind, but w/ the help of the Healer- he'll show you the real reason(s) for your self-doubt & will heal it. the biggest part for you is to be willing to let the Healer show & then address, why you think or behave the way you do. thoughts lead to emotions, emotions lead to actions..... what have you "believed" about yourself, in the past, that is a complete lie? maybe, you think you're not worth it. why do you think you're not worth it? who told you that you're not worth it?
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