How geeky does this make me?

So, this is my first attempt at a semi-custom blog layout. It was a pain in the butt, but once I figured out exactly how to do it, it got faster. Please let me know what you think--like, dislike, indifferent, etc. I might take your suggestions, and I might ignore them, depending on how I feel. It took a long time 'cuz I'm not exactly a computer whiz, and so I might just let it be. Anyway, let me know what you think!

I Surrender!!!

Okay, so what's that title all about? Well, if you really want to know, you'll just have to keep reading. Before I get to that part of the story, I must begin with the significance of a particular song, with which I have a special relationship.

The song? Amazing Love.

Here's the story to go with the song. When I was 21, I became a Christian at a conference put on by Intervarsity Christian Fellowship. The date was October 21, 2000. I had been working up to that point for 8 years, easily, though one could also say it was my whole life in coming. We'd had a speaker who spoke on the topic of coming to God as we are. It's something that every Christian has heard probably a million times--but that was the first time I'd heard that message. I kept thinking that God would come and save me once I got my life together. After the message, there was a time of worship and prayer, during which the leaders from various schools were available to pray with us. I felt the urge to go pray with one of our staff members, though I wasn't really sure what to say when I got there. He asked me what I wanted him to pray for, but I didn't know. I just knew I needed prayer. He asked what was going on in my life that made me feel prompted to come for prayer. I spilled everything-- I told him about how I'd tried to kill myself when I was 19. How I was constantly seeking approval from other people, how I was dependent on their approval. How I felt like I didn't deserve God's gift of life because I'd tried to throw it all away. I released all of this, and when I was done, the staff member prayed for me. He prayed that I would know that Jesus' love is unconditional, and that I would forgive myself because God already had. At the end of the prayer, I went to the back of the room and prayed that God's gift would be mine. I prayed that I could have Jesus, too. And when I was finished, the song that was playing was Amazing Love. I knew that there was nothing that could describe it better than that.

Since that time, the song has been a blessing to me, time and time again. Every time I hear the song, it is when I'm in a particular time of need. When things are just not going right and I need to be reminded of God's Amazing Love for me... I have had many epiphanies during this song, many breakthroughs that were a long time in coming. Which brings us to this morning and the title of this post. As many of my friends know, I have been struggling with a particular battle for quite a while now. I have been trying to recover from being in love with someone who wasn't in love with me. The hardest part of the whole thing has been that there were a few times in the past when I was certain that God was speaking to me that this person was "the one". I don't know whether that was really God, or if that was just what I wanted to hear, but the fact of the matter is it doesn't matter. This morning's epiphany was something that may seem obvious to everyone else, but I wasn't able to see it. As I was on my knees, singing to God, I felt Him telling me, that by thinking about this relationship (or lack there of), by focusing so much energy on it, I was living in the future, rather than the present. I've been so busy chasing after what the future might hold for me, that I've been missing the present that's right in front of my face. It doesn't matter whether that message that this person is "the one" actually came from God, or from my imagination, because it is not what God has for me RIGHT NOW. If He does have that for me in the future, then it will happen regardless of the fact that I moved on, regardless of the fact that my life went in a different direction, but right now He has other things for me.

Lord God, I surrender all of these confused emotions and heartaches to you. Please take them away. I don't want to nurse this wound anymore. I want you to cover it over, fill it in with your love. I want to move on--to see thing things you've placed in front of me right now. I want you to push me in the direction you want me to go. It's time to let go. Help me let go. Help me forget the things I don't want to remember, and the things I do want to remember if that's what it takes. Take it all--the hurts, the happiness, the heartache--take it away and replace it with your goodness, your gentleness, your guidance. Amen

I know whose birthday it is!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY
STEPHANIE!!!

Confessions of a Bibliophile

I have an addiction... I have enough books to fill up 3 bookshelves and then some. I probably read close to 100 books in a year. I am a bibliophile.

Here are the books I've completed so far in 2006:
*The Book of Joe by Jonathan Tropper
*Diary by Chuck Palahniuk
*The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd
*Lullaby by Chuck Palahniuk
And I feel like I'm forgetting something, but I'm not sure what...

Here are the books I have in progress, some of which I started quite a while ago and only read a couple of chapters a week:
*American Jesus by Stephen Prothero (my current pleasure reading book)
*When Wallflowers Dance by Angela Thomas
*Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith by Anne Lamott (for Monday night book study)
*The Bridesmaid's Handbook by Kathy Passero ('cuz I'm my brother's fiance's co-maid of honor)
*My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers (Duh! For daily devotions)
*Some fatty book on how to use the computer program InDesign
*Some Shape magazine fitness book

And here are the books that are on deck to be started and/or finished soon, or to be used soon:
*Living Whole Without a Better Half by Wendy Widder (after I finish When Wallflowers Dance)
*Travelling Mercies by Anne Lamott (pleasure)
*Under the Tuscan Sun by Frances Mayes (pleasure)
*Life of Pi by Yann Martel (pleasure)
*Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life by Amy Krouse Rosenthal (pleasure)
*Paradise Lost by John Milton (I shall attempt this... for pleasure...)
*Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott (for my small group)
*The Nine Modern Day Muses (and a Bodyguard) by Jill Badonsky (for a writing class)
*The DaVinci Code by Dan Brown (for Monday night book study... to see what's up with that...)
*The Bridesmaid Guide by Kate Chynoweth

Needless to say, reading is a very important part of my life. If you'd like to place bets on how long it takes me to finish all of these books, you can contact me at 1-800... ....
It probably won't be long before the pleasure books are done-- I may need to pay a visit to the library to avoid buying more books to contribute to my library.
And now to go read some more, and all will be right with the world. I am such a nerd! :D

The music I grew up with...

So, it seems that I stirred up some good stuff when I said WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL about the Beatles-- From those who think that it's because I'm "too young" to get it (despite my being only a couple of years younger than the originator of that comment) to those who think it's just because I just have bad taste in music... It's all very entertaining to see what kind of things people will think about a person they know little about because of his/her taste in music. But now I'll have a little bit more of my say, here on my own blog, just because I can.
First, a little bit about the music I grew up with. I listened to what my parents' listened to. I had the choice to listen to what I wanted, but I liked "the Oldies" that my parents listened to. Many artists who PRECEDED the Beatles. I've listened to Buddy Holly and Elvis and Johnny Cash my whole life. I am not just a dumb blonde who likes the pop stars who are in one day and out the next. There were times when I did listen to crappy pop music/boy bands, but it wasn't really because I liked their music so much as because my friends liked it. Stupid reason, I know, but I did it, and I won't deny it. These days, I listen to almost anything, except for rap and teeny-bopper pop--and even there, there are exceptions. Jazz, country, metal, industrial, classical--I like them all. But the music that's always stayed with me is that of the late 50's and early 60's that my parents always had playing.
So here's what I'm going to say, assuming Brent does not come after me for trademark infringement for copying his style:
The Everly Brothers were BETTER than the Beatles!
The late 50's/early 60's were BETTER than the late 60's/early 70's!!!

So now that that's said, I can't wait to hear/read what ya'll have to say about that. I bet it's not at all the angle one would have expected from me! ;) *maniacal laughter ensues*

She Let Herself Go

Subtitle: The Things She Gave Up

I've been trying to formulate this post in my head since last Thursday, and still it's a jumbled mess, but I'm going to post it anyway.

He wondered how she'd take it when he said goodbye.
Thought she might do some cryin': lose some sleep at night.
But he had no idea, when he hit the road,
That without him in her life, she'd let herself go.

Let herself go on a singles cruise,
To Vegas once, then to Honolulu.
Let herself go to New York City:
A week at the Spa; came back knocked-out pretty.
When he said he didn't love her no more,
She let herself go.

(Lyrics by George Strait, from the song "She Let Herself Go")


She's always been too passionate for her own good. Some of her friends called her a hopeless romantic, and some just called her hopeless because of how hard she fell. They all watched her as she built a life where everything she did was an attempt to win his love. His interests became hers, leaving her uncertain where her real dreams ended and his began.
She has a passion for all things artistic--writing, singing, acting, dancing--but lately her passion has been sputtering, like an airplane engine just before the fatal crash. She has found her well of imagination drying out. All the tears have dried up, leaving nothing but salt behind, a course salt that is rough to the touch. She used to love writing, but now the only thing she writes are prayers that God would take the pain away. She used to sing with a joyful heart, and now the songs feel like a burden. She used to want to learn to dance the waltz, perhaps the tango, even though she's never been graceful. But his impatience at her imperfection took away all of the fun in learning to dance. She hasn't danced since.
All these things she gave up because of him, it's time to pick them back up again. It's time that she let herself go... to a dance class or two; to the park to write about something that doesn't involve him; to a movie he would hate, just because she could; to bed without dreaming of him...

New Things

I find that when I'm in somewhat of a transitional point in my life, I have a tendency to make drastic changes to mark the time when a new period is starting. I got my hair cut today, and I'm still debating whether or not I want to color it. My room is almost finished, hopefully as of Saturday it will be a wonderful place for me to write. That is the plan. The corkboard over my desk will be the perfect place to tack up outlines for every chapter of my novel. It is a new year and I am ready to start living and stop moping. God's will for me will never be done if I just sit around waiting for something to happen. My dreams will never come true if I don't start moving in that direction. I want to be working toward what God has for me even while I'm waiting for that to be fulfilled.
Just so that anyone who feels so motivated can give me a swift kick in the butt should I break any of these promises to myself, here are my goals for 2006:
1. Write more--remember anything is more than never! At least a chapter a month would be ideal.
2. Meet with God more consistently, and enjoy it--I'm usually good at making the time, I just let it become an obligation sometimes, rather than a pleasure.
3. Stop eating so much crap--I have definitely cut back, but when I get down, I still have a really hard time with eating good foods.
4. Start running--forget about the fact that it's hard and it hurts, I can overcome that.
5. Start practicing Christmas Everyday--maybe it will catch on.
6. Stop being so darn stubborn and actually ask for help once in a while.

Okay, I think that's all for now. I do really hope that people ask/bug me about these things because I really do want to follow through.