I Surrender!!!

Okay, so what's that title all about? Well, if you really want to know, you'll just have to keep reading. Before I get to that part of the story, I must begin with the significance of a particular song, with which I have a special relationship.

The song? Amazing Love.

Here's the story to go with the song. When I was 21, I became a Christian at a conference put on by Intervarsity Christian Fellowship. The date was October 21, 2000. I had been working up to that point for 8 years, easily, though one could also say it was my whole life in coming. We'd had a speaker who spoke on the topic of coming to God as we are. It's something that every Christian has heard probably a million times--but that was the first time I'd heard that message. I kept thinking that God would come and save me once I got my life together. After the message, there was a time of worship and prayer, during which the leaders from various schools were available to pray with us. I felt the urge to go pray with one of our staff members, though I wasn't really sure what to say when I got there. He asked me what I wanted him to pray for, but I didn't know. I just knew I needed prayer. He asked what was going on in my life that made me feel prompted to come for prayer. I spilled everything-- I told him about how I'd tried to kill myself when I was 19. How I was constantly seeking approval from other people, how I was dependent on their approval. How I felt like I didn't deserve God's gift of life because I'd tried to throw it all away. I released all of this, and when I was done, the staff member prayed for me. He prayed that I would know that Jesus' love is unconditional, and that I would forgive myself because God already had. At the end of the prayer, I went to the back of the room and prayed that God's gift would be mine. I prayed that I could have Jesus, too. And when I was finished, the song that was playing was Amazing Love. I knew that there was nothing that could describe it better than that.

Since that time, the song has been a blessing to me, time and time again. Every time I hear the song, it is when I'm in a particular time of need. When things are just not going right and I need to be reminded of God's Amazing Love for me... I have had many epiphanies during this song, many breakthroughs that were a long time in coming. Which brings us to this morning and the title of this post. As many of my friends know, I have been struggling with a particular battle for quite a while now. I have been trying to recover from being in love with someone who wasn't in love with me. The hardest part of the whole thing has been that there were a few times in the past when I was certain that God was speaking to me that this person was "the one". I don't know whether that was really God, or if that was just what I wanted to hear, but the fact of the matter is it doesn't matter. This morning's epiphany was something that may seem obvious to everyone else, but I wasn't able to see it. As I was on my knees, singing to God, I felt Him telling me, that by thinking about this relationship (or lack there of), by focusing so much energy on it, I was living in the future, rather than the present. I've been so busy chasing after what the future might hold for me, that I've been missing the present that's right in front of my face. It doesn't matter whether that message that this person is "the one" actually came from God, or from my imagination, because it is not what God has for me RIGHT NOW. If He does have that for me in the future, then it will happen regardless of the fact that I moved on, regardless of the fact that my life went in a different direction, but right now He has other things for me.

Lord God, I surrender all of these confused emotions and heartaches to you. Please take them away. I don't want to nurse this wound anymore. I want you to cover it over, fill it in with your love. I want to move on--to see thing things you've placed in front of me right now. I want you to push me in the direction you want me to go. It's time to let go. Help me let go. Help me forget the things I don't want to remember, and the things I do want to remember if that's what it takes. Take it all--the hurts, the happiness, the heartache--take it away and replace it with your goodness, your gentleness, your guidance. Amen