Returning to Me

Fall is never a very good time for me. I always struggle emotionally FAR more than I do the rest of the year. There are many reasons for this, most/all of which have been discussed on this blog at some point or another. And every fall I start a project in an attempt to return to myself. Every November since 2002, I have entered the "National Novel Writing Month" competition with the goal of writing 50,000 words in 30 days. I have not yet completed this. In fact, I think the most I've completed toward this goal in any year was about 13,000 words. I would like this year to be the year that I actually finish it. I'm hoping that writing about that journey here will help me to actually follow through on it and get it done. So, starting tonight at midnight, I need to write 1,667 words per day in order to make it to 50,000 by the end of the month. I know that I can do this, I just need a kick in the butt every once in while.

Home at last!

2:30 am. Just got home from work. Time for bed. Must print resume and cover letters in a.m. Must escape Evil K. End Transmission.

Working at home

This is a short long post with a simple request. Please pray that I would find a new job. And if you know or hear of anything that sounds like it would be good for me, please let me know.
Now, for the venting part. If you're not in the mood to read venting, don't read any further.
I just got home from work (1:30am) after starting at 1:45pm and I had to bring stuff home with me from work so that I could be home now. I still have about 1.5-2 hours worth of stuff to do, but at least I can watch Law and Order while I do it. The kicker is that we have a meeting at 8am that is mandatory. And one of the people I work with also brought home a box with her. She started work at 3pm. The person whose fault it is that we have to do all of this started at 3pm, but was 10 minutes late because he was playing pool with friends-- and he left at 11:05pm. He's scheduled to work until 11:00, so we can't MAKE him stay, and he didn't ask if he could leave, but he left anyway. The reason why we're having to fix it is because he rushed through it so that he wouldn't be late getting off. I'm tired of talking to him about the same crap over and over again with no change.

Please please please please pray that God would open a door for me to leave the Evil K if it is His will, and if it's not that He would give me the strength to endure it without wanting to physically harm myself. (Punching walls, and the like...) I cannot do this alone. If it is His will that I stay where I am, then I need to find some Christian friends who work similar schedules to keep myself from being isolated all week.

Ever feel like God is taunting you?

I know that this is not a good thing to think, yet I've found myself there all week. I went back to work on Sunday after my two week vacation, and it was a decent day, but I REALLY didn't want to be there. On Monday, the same old crap started all over again. The customers for whom I did more than we are expected to do turned around and got pissy claiming that we didn't do enough. The team member on my shift who hates to work (although apparently it's only when I'm there) continued to give the same old pushback and whining because he wanted to go home early. I still have not heard anything about the job for which I interviewed. This is when the God taunting me thoughts started. I keep wondering why He would let my hopes be raised by the interview if nothing was going to come of it. This is the first real interview I've been called for since I graduated despite applying for hundreds of jobs in the last three years.
I KNOW THAT THIS IS A LIE!!! I AM AWARE THAT GOD IS NOT TAUNTING ME, SO PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY!!!
But the feeling returned this evening for a while. This time it was brought on by something else... As most of you know, I've been praying for a while that I would be able to pay off my credit card debt, acquired in my younger and less intelligent days. I've been gradually chipping away at them little by little as I can, and yes--I have paid off five in the last year and a half BUT the two I still have left are BIG (at least for me). So tonight, I went out with my parents to the restaurant at Rail City. We sat down and my parents got their keno tickets ready. I thought about playing, debated it in my head, and decided that since I had gone to a movie today, I had already spent my entertainment money for the day. I have a set of eight numbers that have been my keno numbers since I was about ten when my parents used to let my brother and I pick numbers and play our tickets for us. Those are my numbers because the first time I picked them, my parents won a hundred dollars, which meant that I got ten dollars, which is a big deal to a ten year old. At any rate, the first game after my parents tickets were in, ALL EIGHT of my numbers appeared. After I had just talked myself out of playing. And I couldn't help thinking, once again, that God was taunting me. I mean after years of praying for relief from my debt, and praying right now for a way to be able to move to my own place by the end of the year--a way to pay for all of the deposits and starting fees associated with moving--and here if I had just played like I usually do, without expectations, just for the fun of it, I would have had all of that and more. I felt for a moment like I'm always watching the blessings fly around me, hitting other people, but always passing me by.
ONCE AGAIN... I AM AWARE THAT THIS WAS A LIE!
I know that there are many blessings in my life. I have always been blessed with good health as has my immediate family. I am blessed to have the experience of learning from the mistakes I've made with money at an early age. I am blessed to have single friends my age so that I don't have to feel like a fifth wheel when I go out. I am blessed to have parents who can help me in times of need--physically and emotionally. I am blessed with a job that I do not have to fear losing. I am blessed to have the ability to catch onto new things quickly which makes me an asset anywhere I work. I know that these are the things I should remember. I know that I should be grateful for always having enough, that nothing bad has really happened in my life. But knowing it and doing it are two different things.
This is me trying to DO the just BE thing. That's a bit of a contradiction, isn't it?

Kissing the Blarney Stone

That's one thing that my brother and his new wife have no intention of doing while they are in Ireland for their honeymoon. Their flight left at 6:00 this morning.
At any rate, the wedding went very well. Unfortunately there were very few attractive single guys there, and the ones who were there are related to me. Ha ha ha... But seriously--the ceremony was beautiful, the food was great and now MY BABY BROTHER IS MARRIED! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
There were many crazy & entertaining things happening before, during and after the wedding. Here's a short list:
1. On Sunday night, the guys at the bachelor party called us during the bachelorette party numerous times, begging us to come join their party--so the bachelorette party went on the road and joined the bachelor party.
2. On Monday, during the wedding rehearsal, their was a woman in the rose garden picking the roses despite the signs that say "Do not pick the roses." Becca's mom politely asked her to stop. Later we saw her picking the roses again, and Becca's mom ended up calling the police and getting into an argument with the woman. Fortunately, Becca's cousins kept her calm enough that we didn't have to worry about the mother of the bride being sent to jail the day before the wedding.
3. On Tuesday, when we were all getting dressed, the snap on the halter strap of my dress came unsnapped twice before we even left the hotel room. Fortunately, Becca's sister is an expert with safety pins and we were therefore able to avoid a wardrobe malfunction of Janet Jackson proportions.
4. Becca, her sister, her cousin and I (the bride and three out of four attendants) were about five minutes late and Becca's uncles kept calling to find out where we were because he was worried about the wedding starting late. Once we arrived, we had to wait another FORTY minutes to start the wedding because Becca's mother was running late. This wouldn't have been a problem except that Becca's father was with her. It's usually difficult to begin without the father of the bride. When they finally arrived, Becca had already been getting ready to start without them and was just going to have one of her uncles walk her down the aisle. The people who were waiting apparently got so bored that some of them busted out books from their pockets, and if I had to guess, my dad probably fell asleep.
5. During the reception, I was able to strong-arm my dad into dancing with me for the father/daughter dance. YAY!
6. After the reception, we were an hour late getting cleaned up and out of the building. Ironically enough, if Becca's parents had been on time, we probably would have been out of the building on time.
7. After all was cleaned up and moved and unloaded, the best man and I were the last two to arrive downtown for the "after party" for the wedding party. Before I arrive, apparently one of the bridesmaids had been kicked out because she was TOO drunk. So they put her in a taxi and sent her home. After I arrived she started calling Becca's cousin and telling him that he had to wait for her to get back or she would do harm to him (I won't specify what...) Keep in mind that this bridesmaid is MARRIED but wants to hang out with Becca's single cousin. A little while later she called back and said that she had fallen down outside the building and chipped her tooth, so her husband had to come and pick her up. I feel really bad for her, but hopefully she'll remember not to drink so much in the future...
8. My cousin Linnea and I decided to leave the others because they wanted to go to another bar, but we were hungry and not drinking. So we went back to the Eldorado to eat and my cousin Jordan kept calling Linnea's phone about every five minutes. Every time, he would say the same thing: Where are you guys? Linnea told him we were at the Eldorado and tell him to come join us and he said okay... Then five minutes later he'd call again and the conversation would repeat itself. Jordan never showed up before I left downtown, but I stayed to make sure that Linnea got safely to her dad's car.
9. The morning after (yesterday morning...) I received a phone call from Becca's cousin Bridget saying that they couldn't find her cousin Elisa and they were wondering if she was with Jordan. They had to pack up her stuff and check her out of her hotel room because they didn't know where she was. Elisa finally turned up at about noon which was about the same time that Linnea called me to tell me that Jordan had been picked up alone sometime that morning... But apparently they were together all night until Jordan got picked up.

And that is the crazy wedding adventure... It was a lot of fun, but I am SOOOOOOO glad that it is over!

Would it change a thing?

I had my interview and computer test on Wednesday. The computer test, I believe, went pretty well. But the interview, I really can't be sure. I was nervous and I'm pretty sure it showed... I struggle so much with confidence--I'm always sure that people won't like me. I hate this about myself, and I'm pretty sure that other people can tell. I have been better about this recently--I have been reaching out to people, being myself, being sure that they will like me. But now that I find myself desperate, I have no confidence at all. Right now I feel certain that they will choose someone else--after all, how can they believe that I'm the right person for the job, if I don't believe it myself. But I don't know what to do if I don't get this job. I can't continue working for a company with no soul. Things just keep going further downhill there--I just found out that they are laying off all of the account managers, which will just leave more for the rest of us, who are already working longer than we should.
But would it even make a difference if I found something new, or would it just be a new place to be miserable? I might have time to spend with the people I care about, but would I be any happier? Or would I still be fighting this battle with my emotions that just seems to never end? The last six years have been a roller coaster--my entire walk has been an up and down ride. Sometimes I have hope, and sometimes I don't. I know that I'm better off than I was, but I still sometimes think I'm not so great. This is a horrible thing, but sometimes I wish that something bad would happen in my life, just so that this ordinary, never-changing life would seem good--so that I could appreciate what I have rather than mourning what I don't. I know that's terrible, but I don't know what to do about it.
My brother is getting married in four days and I should be happy for him, but all I can think is why is he the one who gets everything. He is the smart one; he's the attractive one; he's the talented one; he's the athletic one--and what does that leave me with. I know that it's all lies and that I shouldn't believe it. I know that I need to pray, to find comfort in God, to think positive and uplifting thoughts. I just don't understand why I keep falling back to this place.
I know this is a lot of personal, emotional and hardcore stuff to be posting on my blog--but I feel like this is my only connection to anyone who might understand. My family doesn't get it. My closest friends blow it off. This is my place to vent and be understood, so if you've read this far, thanks. Please pray for guidance, for direction, for peace and for discernment. I don't know what to do right now aside from that.