Small Changes

It's no secret that I am not happy with my life. I am happy to be a child of God, but I am not happy with my life. I know I should be content with what I have. I know that I should count my blessings and be thankful that there is no bad excitement. But year after year of no excitement bad or good is beginning to wear on me. I generally deal with this by adding a bit of excitement myself by making small changes. On the outside they appear drastic and sudden (coloring my hair, cutting off 8 inches in one sitting, etc) but even these small changes are contemplated for weeks, maybe even months. These small changes have kept me sane over the last few years
But it's not enough anymore. I have been depressed beyond words for the last few weeks, though I have not kept myself isolated, which used to be my way. I've forced myself out of the house at every opportunity. I wonder if these small changes are necessary because there is actually a big change that I need to make but I'm too afraid to. I didn't know what the big change could be, and it's still not entirely clear, but I think it has something to do with finding a real career. This means I need to decide what I really want to spend my life doing (aside from writing) and start to make a way to do it. Yes, writing is my dream, but I need to take action for it to ever become a possibility-- and I should take advantage of my natural talents in other areas to try to pave the way. I know I've said it before, and I never did anything about it, but now I have another person in my life prompting me.
Last week at work, I got my review. It was good. In fact I was told that my performance is remarkable for a person who's been there for such a short time. And then I was told that I am too smart to be a customer service representative. My manager told me that she expects me to start taking classes again toward a career. She doesn't want me to leave, but she does want what is best for all of her employees. She pressed that there is really no excuse since we do have 5000.00 a year of tuition reimbursement available. And today again, my supervisor asked me why I work in a customer service job, when I'm clearly intelligent Ienough to do so much more. This is a constant internal struggle for me. People tell me that I can do more, but I find myself lacking the confidence to do more. That is why I did not pursue a degree that would lead to a medical career when I started college. It was the only thing that interested me besides writing when I started college, but I was intimidated by the amount of biology required and I told myself I wasn't smart enough--so I decided to pursue my passion thinking that would be enough to get me through my life.

Now hear I am, 4 and a half years after I graduated college and no better off than I was when I started, all because I thought I wasn't smart enough to do anything but pursue my passion. And I've found out that in the real world passion doesn't equate to anything if you don't have the skill. But now it's time to try to prove to the world, and myself that I am smart enough to have a real career. I have no choice-- my boss says so! :) So as soon as I get my bonus from work, it is time to enroll in Math 128 to brush up.

And I dyed my hair again-- I can't cut out the small changes all together!

Good night and good luck.

Too Much Work

Warning: mopey post ahead.

Right now I'm in a period where doing anything but hanging out at home and either sleeping or watching TV is too much work. That doesn't mean I'm not going to do other things. Obviously I HAVE to go to work even though the last time I want to do is talk on the phone all day. I have been praying that this is not obvious to the people I am helping, and I think it's working because more people than usual have actually told me how helpful I am. I don't feel helpful, but perception is everything...
Today I wanted to stay home rather than going to the gigantic humongous dinner or whatever you want to call it. I wanted to stay home despite the fact that I thought we would be sitting at small tables having personal conversations with the people sharing a meal with us. I was disappointed when I arrived and found three MASSIVE tables with people stretched end to end. After all, a crowd is the last thing I feel like dealing with when I'm in this mood. I tried (unsuccessfully) to find the meaningful conversations I had been looking for. While I racked up quite a few hugs, which is common with this crowd, and always helps a little, the whole thing felt a bit impersonal to me. I know that it's just me, that most people enjoy getting together with lots of people all at once. I know it's probably for the best that I made myself get out rather than staying at home moping.
Tomorrow, I will force myself to get out again and my time with the kiddos will be better than staring at the glowing tube of doom with that glazed over look that I get when I don't even care enough to actually follow what I'm watching.
And Thursday I will be going goth. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I'm hoping that making a joke out of the day will make me feel a little bit better. I don't actually care about Valentine's Day and wouldn't want to celebrate it even if I had someone to celebrate it with, but the fact that it's nearly here is causing people to talk even more about their relationships, both positive and negative. I'm finding myself being a jerk and resenting the people who are talking about how great their relationships are, and being disgusted with the people who are talking about how bad their relationships are because they come across as ungrateful. Once again, I am aware that it is me being a jerk and if I wasn't in this mopey depressed mode I probably wouldn't be feeling like that toward people.
And Friday I decided to take the day off from work. Just because. So I'm going to spend the day doing things I enjoy, which will hopefully help get past this crappy phase. I really hate feeling this way and spontaneously crying over stupid crap and not caring about anything and being even more impatient than usual.

And if you actually read this post, I promise that I will not post again until I have something more positive to say. Today I am indulging and posting my depressive rant, and tomorrow perhaps I will delete it, we'll see....

Poison

There are quite a few people in my life who are important to me. Many of them read this blog, but the ones who are related to me do not. There are two of these people whom I love dearly and enjoy the time I spend with each of them. But spending time with them together is poison to me. They are constantly bickering and fighting, even when I am with them. Each of them complains to me about the things that the other does to annoy them. It is unkind and unfair and I hate constantly being in the middle with them. The obvious solution to this would be to not spend time with them together-- unfortunately this is not an option. The constant exposure to this poisonous relationship is bringing me to lows I haven't known for quite some time. I want to run away, but I don't have anywhere to go, let alone the strength to do it. I am also fully aware that running away is not the answer to anything. I think it's time for bed. When I wake up tomorrow it will be a new day with new challenges and hopefully that will bring new hope.

Hooray for Movies!

I have seen six new movies since right before Christmas and it has been quite an odd selection:
1) I Am Legend - Post apocalyptic zombie flick. I was interested to find out if Will Smith could pull off the "I am alone and have nobody to talk to except for my dog" better than Tom Hanks pulled off the "I am alone and have nobody to talk to except for my volleyball". This is not in anyway insulting Tom Hanks, but the movie Castaway could have been 30-45 minutes shorter and it would have been a lot better. I rather enjoyed I Am Legend, but I would have to say that the ending was a bit predictable. I will not go into detail because I don't want to spoil it for anyone who may still want to see it, so if you'd like to discuss it, ask me next time you see me.

2) Sweeney Todd - This may sound a bit morbid, but I watched this movie on Christmas day, and it is one of the best Christmas presents I got this year. Part of my enjoyment with this movie was that we watched a video of the Broadway version EVERY year in theatre class when I was in high school. Another part of my enjoyment was WHO KNEW that Johnny Depp could sing? And of course there's Alan Rickman, of whom I am also a big fan. Another enjoyable aspect is that it's not a traditional musical. Most people think musical and they think fluffy romance and/or fluffy happy ending. This is NOT one of those musicals. The story is completely sick and twisted-- a barber killing people and sending them down a chute to be turned into meat pies... You would never imagine such a story being set to music, but it is.

3) Charlie Wilson's War - This movie was actually a bit depressing. It was a good movie, an okay film (ask me about the distinction) and explained a lot. The trouble is, the further you get into the movie, the more you realize that there is no possible way for it to end well, since it is based on real events. It is more of a thought provoking ending, which for me is a good thing, but for most people does not satisfy. People like to know all the answers, even if they have to be made up.

4) 27 Dresses - This is the type of movie that I would normally see on video, but I went with a friend who is very hard to please when it comes to movies but she does like romantic comedies, so this is what we chose. It was your standard run of the mill happily ever after romantic comedy. I know, big surprise. It was entertaining, I would probably buy it for $5.00 at Blockbuster, but I would not call it a quality film. It's the kind of movie I would watch when I don't feel like thinking. Cute, entertaining, definitely NOT thought provoking.

5) Atonement - This would fall into the quality film category, in my opinion. I don't quite know how to explain my thoughts on this without giving anything away, so I'll just leave it at that. I definitely recommend watching this one.

6) Juno - I went to this movie today because I got my tax return and I've been wanting to see it since BEFORE I saw 27 Dresses. This was my movie choice that night, but my friend didn't really want to see it. So today I went alone so I wouldn't entirely miss my chance. The way that most of the movie was filmed reminded me a bit of Napoleon Dynamite, however the movie was NOTHING like Napoleon Dynamite. It was the type of movie that was laugh out loud funny without being sappy and predictable. I would have to say the best part was the dialogue. Oh yeah, and the hamburger phone. If you want to know more about that you'll have to see the movie.

If anybody else has any movie recommendations for movies that are out right about now, please tell me. I'm in a movie mood recently.

Soup'r Salad Monday

Yesterday was SuperBowl Sunday. Tomorrow is Super Tuesday. So what does that make today?
Soup'r Salad Monday. Personally, I went for soup, though I'm not particularly partial to either--just like yesterday. I cannot say the same is true for tomorrow. Tomorrow, I can guarantee that I will be obsessively checking cnn.com every chance I get while I am at work. And then when I get home, I will immediately turn the television to CNN.

I KNOW that this is completely insane. I don't know what has happened to me. I have become a total political junkie. Ay caramba! I have to admit that in 2000, which was my first presidential election, I was literally yelling at the television as I watched the results came in. It was quite a discouraging year to experience your first presidential election. After that I knew what would happen in 2004 and had absolutely no hope that my vote would matter. I think I am so into it this year, because I actually have hope again that the process will elect the right person this year. That being said, if Hillary Clinton wins the democratic nomination, my hope will be lost again. I know it's probably a terrible thing to say, but I am literally having nightmares about what kind of pattern this would create. There are still Bushes out there who could potentially run, which could lead to a Bush Clinton Bush Clinton Bush cycle... and by the time that's over, Chelsea Clinton will be old enough to run, and who needs that sort of pattern. It's time to break free. No more Bushes or Clintons. Please!

But anyway, tomorrow-- 24 states will decide, and I am terrified about what the results will be. If you hear random screaming from my area of town, don't be alarmed-- just remember that I will be watching the results come in from the 24 states who are voting/caucusing tomorrow.

Good night, and good luck!