It's no secret that I am not happy with my life. I am happy to be a child of God, but I am not happy with my life. I know I should be content with what I have. I know that I should count my blessings and be thankful that there is no bad excitement. But year after year of no excitement bad or good is beginning to wear on me. I generally deal with this by adding a bit of excitement myself by making small changes. On the outside they appear drastic and sudden (coloring my hair, cutting off 8 inches in one sitting, etc) but even these small changes are contemplated for weeks, maybe even months. These small changes have kept me sane over the last few years
But it's not enough anymore. I have been depressed beyond words for the last few weeks, though I have not kept myself isolated, which used to be my way. I've forced myself out of the house at every opportunity. I wonder if these small changes are necessary because there is actually a big change that I need to make but I'm too afraid to. I didn't know what the big change could be, and it's still not entirely clear, but I think it has something to do with finding a real career. This means I need to decide what I really want to spend my life doing (aside from writing) and start to make a way to do it. Yes, writing is my dream, but I need to take action for it to ever become a possibility-- and I should take advantage of my natural talents in other areas to try to pave the way. I know I've said it before, and I never did anything about it, but now I have another person in my life prompting me.
Last week at work, I got my review. It was good. In fact I was told that my performance is remarkable for a person who's been there for such a short time. And then I was told that I am too smart to be a customer service representative. My manager told me that she expects me to start taking classes again toward a career. She doesn't want me to leave, but she does want what is best for all of her employees. She pressed that there is really no excuse since we do have 5000.00 a year of tuition reimbursement available. And today again, my supervisor asked me why I work in a customer service job, when I'm clearly intelligent Ienough to do so much more. This is a constant internal struggle for me. People tell me that I can do more, but I find myself lacking the confidence to do more. That is why I did not pursue a degree that would lead to a medical career when I started college. It was the only thing that interested me besides writing when I started college, but I was intimidated by the amount of biology required and I told myself I wasn't smart enough--so I decided to pursue my passion thinking that would be enough to get me through my life.
Now hear I am, 4 and a half years after I graduated college and no better off than I was when I started, all because I thought I wasn't smart enough to do anything but pursue my passion. And I've found out that in the real world passion doesn't equate to anything if you don't have the skill. But now it's time to try to prove to the world, and myself that I am smart enough to have a real career. I have no choice-- my boss says so! :) So as soon as I get my bonus from work, it is time to enroll in Math 128 to brush up.
And I dyed my hair again-- I can't cut out the small changes all together!
Good night and good luck.
6 comments:
Jeni- I can relate here on so many levels. I too compulsively change my hair color for the exact same reason... I would change my style more often if my stylist allowed me:) I have been living my life based on what will please everyone else and in the process have no idea what it is I would like to do. But, I think I am taking a step in the right direction. Sorry, didn't mean to hi-jack, just offer some sympathy...School is always good, so good for you! I will pray for you!
I would not consider it a hi-jack at all... Thanks for understanding. Also-- if I actually had a stylist, I would constantly be mocked and scolded...
Nice to have you back posting Miss Jeni... As a life-long, life-time student myself, I say, "Roll Tide."
i was here.
and school is fun.
I think that's just great! It is an irony I also deal with that everyone else can seem to see one's potential and yet one's insecurity stands in the way like some be ugly wall that needs smashed.
Here's to smashing both of our walls!
Jeni,
good post. I hear you and I'm praying for courage in what the changes. As far as the medical part, anytpe of biology or chemistry is a a bear and a gruesome task for anyone. I hated those classes and just kept my nose to the grind-stone. My sister (who is in medical school) and I often have this conversation on how we don't understand how some people find it so easy to pass difficult classes and we pass by the skin of our teeth. I pray that you will have courage to do what you want to do.
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