The best thing he ever did for me...

Sorry all! This post is long!

Today was father's day. I have a great relationship with my father. I also have a great relationship with my mother (most of the time). I would call my relationship with my parents together somewhat mediocre. It's hard to be around them together because it upsets me that my mom doesn't appreciate the good things about my dad. She only sees his faults and holds them against him every chance she gets. She never mentions the things she likes about him. When I ask, she makes a joke, like "I married him because I thought he had money," but she never says anything positive about him. I've come to a point where when I spend time with just her, I have to tell her that I don't want to hear it when she starts complaining about my dad again. That's not to say that he never does anything wrong-- after all, he is human like the rest of us-- but most of us can look past those things to see the things we love about the person. I can't understand how my dad handles it, never hearing kind words about the valuable qualities that he has, about the great things that he does. He has always been my advocate and encourager.
For this reason, I want to share the best thing my dad ever did for me-- mostly because he reminded me of it today and I need to get it out, since there are parts of it that my family and even my closest friends don't know--parts that I had blocked out of my mind until recently. Parts that I have run away from. And my dad doesn't entirely know what he did for me. He could handle it, but my mother couldn't. And I can't tell one without telling the other.
Anyway, this afternoon, I went to have coffee with my parents at Starbucks. My dad and I were browsing through the "Homes" section of today's paper as I am always browsing at the cost of condos-- it's about that time for me to just live my life as it is now, rather than how it could/should be. Of course the only condos listed in the "Homes" section of the Sunday paper are the new condos, which are completely out of my price range. So while my mom went over to Linens-n-things to look at vacuums, my dad and I started talking about condos that ARE in my price range. There is one that I could even afford right now with no money saved. It has been fixed up beautifully-- I'm not crazy about the location of it, but with the right price and the right home, that would be fine. But despite the perfect price tag, I CANNOT and WILL NOT consider this condo. And when I told my dad where it was, he instantly knew why-- even though I thought he wouldn't remember, he did. I told him I knew someone who lived there and he said, "Yeah, that jerk who tried to....." Yes, he really did trail off at the end like that, which makes the perfect segue into the real story.

Many of you know I had my first real boyfriend when I was eighteen-- and that I didn't really like him, I just wanted to know what it would be like to have a boyfriend. I didn't really know him when we started dating and had no way of knowing what a lunatic he really was. He knew from the start my stance on sex-- he knew that I was waiting for marriage, and he told me that was okay--that he respected that. Twelve days after we started dating, he bought me two dozen roses and a necklace for Valentine's Day. I told him that it was too much and that I only had something small for him. This is when he started trying to get me to drop my principles. He told me that there were other ways I could make it up to him. I just laughed and ignored it.
A few days later he started telling me he loved me. I said nothing back. This upset him and he would grab me by the arms and pull me toward him and ask why I didn't say anything back. It made me nervous, but I told him that I didn't want to say it unless I truly meant it. I'm not the type to casually toss around words of affection. He told me that I could make it up to him by performing certain illicit deeds that I would prefer not to mention here. He said he was joking, but I always knew he wasn't.
After about a month, I knew I'd made a bad decision, but it took me another month to get the courage to actually tell him it was over. Another month of dodging advances and groping hands. Each time I told him I didn't want what he was offering, he got more emotional than I have ever been. He went into self deprecating mode saying that it was probably because he was too fat and that no girl would ever like somebody so fat. And each time I would have to explain again that I was saving myself for marriage and that I did not think he was ugly (even though I really did...) Finally, I decided to do it and he threatened to kill himself if I broke up with him. I was miserable. I had taken to punching walls and hitting myself with hard objects. But I was afraid he would really do it and I would have another thing to make me miserable--I would feel responsible even though I wasn't. I chickened out. I took it back, lied and told him I didn't mean it.
Two weeks later his dad and step-mom took us to dinner with them, after which they invited us out to their house. I didn't have my drivers' license at the time, and so I went where he went. At his dad's house, I had my first taste of alcohol aside from champagne and orange juice with my parents on New Years. His dad insisted that I HAD to try a shot of Aftershock. That it would be the best thing I ever tried. I am aware that it was a bad decision, but I was curious. I tried it, and it felt good. It made me feel a little bit numb and forget about all of the awful things this guy said and did. I followed up the Aftershock with two shots of peach schnapps and a mug of Goldschlager and hot chocolate. I felt good for the first time in two months.
After the hot chocolate, we left and went back to his condo-- the one in the complex where I can now never consider living. I was tired and tipsy and just wanted to go home-- bed sounded like a good place to be. But again, I didn't drive and therefore went wherever he went. So it was his condo. It was just as good of a place as any to sleep. But I didn't plan on what happened when we got there. I climbed into the bed and curled up to go to sleep-- his plans were different. He started removing my clothing one item at a time. I was kind of drowsy and out of it. I though if I just ignored him and did nothing that he would leave me alone, so I (stupidly) let him do what he was doing. I hated it. I felt disgusted, but I was drowsy and dizzy and didn't feel like fighting. But he kept going. He tried to do the one thing that I told him that I specifically told him I didn't want. I spoke up. I told him to stop. He told me that he knew that I would like it once he started. He kept trying, but I started squirming. I found within me a strength I didn't know I had. I know it sounds cliche, but it is the only way to explain what happened. How else could I have pushed aside a 24o lb male? I pushed him away and ran to the bathroom and cried. Once I came out, I discovered he'd fallen asleep. I considered calling my parents but I didn't want them to know about all of the stupid decisions I'd made that led to me being drunk and alone in a condo with someone that I knew had the will and the strength to force himself on me.
After that night, I stuck with him because I was afraid that what I had allowed him to do, though it was not everything, was still enough to ruin me for other guys. I was afraid that people would know. And I figured that since he'd already done a little sampling, he might as well continue. Yes, I know-- yet ANOTHER bad decision on my part. But mostly I tried to make sure that we were never alone at his condo again so he never had the opportunity to take it all from me. I only spent time there when I knew that his best friend or my best friend would be there. The rest of the time we hung out at my parents' house or in public places. I couldn't risk another experience like that. I never drank around him again, either. (Yeah, I know-- DUH!)
Finally around month four, I got up the nerve to call it off for good. I didn't care if he hurt himself, and I think part of me had figured out that he was just emotionally manipulating me. I did it over the phone so I wouldn't back down when he started crying.
Now I'm sure you know this isn't the end of the story, since I still haven't gotten to what my dad did for me.
About two weeks after I broke up with boyfriend number one, I started seeing boyfriend number two. He was a friend and he was there and it was convenient. Not a good reason to date someone, but at least I knew something about him. I'd known him for four years, so I felt safe with him. About a week after I started seeing him, I also started seeing boyfriend #1's car appearing in all of the places that I was. When I was at work, I would see his car go by four or five times a day. He tried calling but I wouldn't talk to him. He drove by my house each day, too. He even knocked on my window a couple of times and when I saw it was him, I went to another room. He asked my best friend why I wouldn't talk to him. She told him that I really didn't like him because he had tried to force me to sleep with him. And he told her, "If I want to sleep with her, there's nothing she can do to stop me." When my friend told me about this, I got a bit freaked out since he was basically following me everywhere.
At this time my parents didn't know the slightest about what had happened during my relationship with boyfriend #1, but I think my dad knew that something not so good had happened. He didn't say anything, but he is pretty insightful... He knew that boyfriend #1 kept calling, because it was their phone, and I was refusing the calls. He knew that boyfriend #1 kept trying to see me at work, because I told my parents that part. One night about two weeks after that creepy, threat-like statement, I was out with my friend and boyfriend #2 was out with his friends. And boyfriend #1 calls my friend's cell phone and demands that she put me on the phone. She lies and tells him that she just dropped me off at home. He tells her that he just talked to my dad and he said that I was out with her. My dad had mistaken him for boyfriend #2 (they actually could sound quite similar on the phone) and told him that I was out with said friend. My friend lied again and told him that he must have JUST missed me. He called my parents house again and this time my dad recognized his voice. My dad told him that if he didn't stop calling that he was going to hunt him down and remove certain body parts that I would prefer not to mention. Now I know that violence is not the answer, and my dad also knows that. He would never actually commit the acts that he speaks of-- but for him to be angry enough to say it was enough. I never heard from boyfriend #1 again. The truth is, my dad can be quite scary when he is angry. I have only seen him TRULY angry twice in my life, and both times were in my defense-- so I can imagine what he sounded like on this occasion. Whether or not it was the right thing to do, it made me feel a little bit safe again when I thought I might never feel safe again. He protected me the way only a father can. And that is the best thing he ever did for me.