Just in Time

Today started out rough. I don't know why, it just did. I've been in one of those places where I am in no way satisfied with my life. I knew I was in a funk the minute I woke up, but there was nothing to do to stop it-- not yet. I got to church early hoping to talk to some friends, and I did. I thought it was enough to lift the funk. When worship started and everyone started arriving, I discovered that it had not been enough. When I watch all of the happy married couples and their newborn children, or even their toddlers, the response for me is not just emotional. I literally find myself having a physical pain inside as I watch all of the couples, many younger than me, arriving with their children. This is not about being single. This is about the children. I watch people beside me and in front of me looking adoringly at their infants and it hurts. It never used to be like this. It used to be that being around other people's children was enough to fill that need inside of me, but it's really not anymore. I'm sure I sound completely mental to all of the people who actually have children, but each year this has become more and more of a struggle for me.

At any rate, about that time as all of the families are streaming in, the worship team was playing "Your Grace is Enough." And I'm standing there being completely emotional because I want more than anything to believe that. My head completely comprehends it. I know it to be true. But at the same time I don't FEEL it to be true. Even though I KNOW that I have everything I need, I still FEEL this physical pain inside when I watch all of the families gathered around me. And then, there I am, crying like an idiot again-- standing there wondering to myself why I even bother leaving the house, why I don't just stay at home reading or watching television-- it would probably hurt less. It would mean nobody would have to see me crying like an idiot and I wouldn't have to try to put words to what I feel inside when somebody looks at me and knows that something isn't right. And I wouldn't have to listen to another person tell me, "It's alright, it will happen in God's time" rather than just being there. I don't need somebody to tell me the things I already know-- I just need someone to be with me and to allow me to be with them. I also don't need somebody to act like my hurt is irrational or somehow wrong. That would be like if a married person talked to me about problems with his/her marriage or kids and instead of listening and being supportive if I said, "You should be grateful for the family God has blessed you with." I'm sorry, but if somebody is hurting, no matter the reason, their hurts should not be seen as irrational or insignificant because that just deepens the hurt.

So this morning when I was thinking that I want nothing more than to have my heart know that His grace is enough, and I was crying (at this point only a little) because I am upset that I don't feel this in my heart and in comes the ultimate example that His grace truly is enough. I don't know if any of ya'll have a song that is beyond worship for you but is somehow restoring and fulfilling but I do. The song is "Amazing Love." I blogged about this a while back and you can read it here. In fact just reading over this old post has refreshed some insights that I needed to have refreshed-- and all because of that song. And the beautiful thing is that it was the song during communion today. What better time to have God nudge me right when I'm wondering why I even bother coming to church anymore-- why I even bother leaving the house. And then this song comes and fills me up and I'm instantly reminded of what my life was before Jesus. Before Jesus, I was afraid to let people see me cry-- I took to cutting myself instead because I was ashamed of my hurts, afraid to reveal to much of myself because people might use them against me later. This song is a life raft that always comes along, right when I feel I'm drowning. When I need it most, God throws it out there to pull be back in again.

And now I see that it is time to start living in the present again, rather than wondering what the future might hold. Why must I keep forgetting this VERY basic principle? How much simpler would my life be if my heart could always remember this?