Things are starting to catch up with me. I don't like not doing things I would normally do the way I would normally do them. I don't like feeling inept and I don't like needing help. Yes, I know this is an issue and yes I am working on it, but I don't like it. I don't like asking for time off from work in small amounts twice a week. It makes me feel like a nuisance. And I feel like an idiot. I feel like there should have been something I could have done to prevent myself from tripping on my pajama pants and making a mess of my life at the moment. My head knows that it could not be prevented, that it was just one of those freak things that could happen to anyone. But the enemy is telling me that I screwed up big time. That I've made a mess, dug a hole that's going to be hard to get out of. I feel like I'm not getting better fast enough, even though I'm still within the time line that was given to me. I just want this whole thing to be done, and yet is nowhere near being done-- I have at least two and a half more weeks of therapy left, depending on how things go, and we are just starting the grip/strengthening on Thursday of this week, depending on how I feel. Mostly my pride is hurt. It's stupid, I know, but that is the reality of the situation. I'm tired of laughing it off and I'm tired of the pajama jokes and it's probably just because I'm cranky right now, but that's part of the emo that I'm feeling right now.
I have 18 days before I move and I am freaking out. I am being quite bad in that I am not trusting that I will be taken care of. I'm kicking and screaming and trying to hold onto the control that I'm simultaneously trying to let go of. Ugh. What is the matter with me? Why is it so difficult for me to accept that the people who truly love me are genuine in their desire to help? I have a genuine desire to help those I love, so why should I expect it to be any different on the flip side? How did I get this stubborn and controlling? I think it is a bad habit picked up from my family, and the hardest one by far to move past--particularly as a single individual. My head knows all of this and my heart is trying to get in line with my head.
I am physically and mentally drained. I need to stop worrying, because all it is doing is making me more tired. I don't know why I'm telling ya'll this, except that maybe seeing it in writing will make it easier for me to do.
At any rate, it is time for bed. Tomorrow is another day, a better day. :)
8 comments:
Way to process . . . You go girl!
I am sure you will look back after your move and laugh about freaking out so much. One thing God has definitely proved to me over the years is that the build up to whatever it is that has me all anxious, is usually much more stressful than the event itself. But that's just me:) I will pray for you though:)
plucky- do you mock me? he he he...
laura- It's not the move so much as the fact that most of the actual moving will be done by people other than me since I'm still not able to lift things... And that I personally cannot get all of the packing done left-handed. In the past I've never been terribly stressed about moving, or even about not having things done at this point-- It's just the bad timing of my injury that has made the whole thing stressful. :) Thanks for the prayers, too!
I hear you, Jeni. Do packing in small increments if you can. You are right that tomorrow is an another day. We're going to be out of town the weekend you move but I would like to come over one of these days and help with the packing. I'll check with Caden first but I wouldn't mind at all ;) plus, I really want to buy green/red apples game. I laugh just thinking about it
Actually I wasn't . . . I really think you are doing a great job using your blog as a vehicle for processing . . .
Thanks for making my point about me being an asshole, however . . . Okay, now that was facetious . . . :-)
Plucky-- I knew you weren't really mocking me! And stop calling yourself that--especially on my blog-- this is a G rated blog... He he he...
Personally I think asshole is more acceptable then buttmuncher . . . Just saying . . .
Hmmm... Neither of them seem terribly G-rated... Are you just trying to prove your jerk-facedness now? He he he...
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