I have, as some people have noticed, been struggling more than usual recently. I made a particularly emo post on my emo blog about part of it, but it doesn't really tell the whole story. In my life, there has almost always been a song that characterizes what I'm going through at any given time, good or bad. I've written about them here before, and they usually come to my mind unexpectedly-- sometimes they are songs that I haven't heard for months or even years. Today the song that characterizes this period of my life came to my mind. The song is "I Belong to You" by Superchick. Yes, I know Superchick is rather cheesy and such, but the song is quite true to what I am feeling right now-- so here are the lyrics:
Everybody needs to belong somewhere
life can feels so alone without someone who cares.
And when life becomes something just to get through,
that’s when I’m glad that I belong to you.
I belong to you,I belong to you,
you’re the one who will never let me down,
won’t let me down.
I belong to you.
Lord I belong to you.
Sometimes life brings more pain than we can bear alone.
When hope is gone and I have no strength to stand on my own,
when nothing helps, there’s nothing that I can do,
you surround me and show me I belong to you.
I belong to you,I belong to you,
you’re the one who will never let me down,
won’t let me down.
I belong to you.
Lord I belong to you.
When Love is gone there’s no arms to run to anymore,
I’m all alone there’s no one for me to live for,
letting go of the things I’ve always clung to,
that’s when I need to feel that I belong to you.
I belong to you,I belong to you,
you’re the one who will never let me down,
won’t let me down.
I belong to you.
Lord I belong to you.
This is how I'm feeling, spot on. I really do have a lot of days right now that just feel like something to get through. I do feel quite alone most of the time. I do have days where Jesus is the ONLY thing keeping me living-- because without Him I'd still be living the life I was ten years ago which consisted of intentionally hurting myself and wanting to die. The skeleton in my closet is that I still sometimes think about it. I never seriously consider it anymore, but it still pops up in my head, and there are days that it takes great restraint to not punch a wall or pull out a razor blade-- but Jesus gives me the strength to make the right choice, even in the moments when there is nothing I would rather do than cause myself pain. It is the weapon in Satan's arsenal against me that only Jesus can defeat.
At any rate, the song tells where I am at and what I'm living for right now. And I'm praying for a new song to come along really soon, one that's more about hope and less about loneliness.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
My Essay, as Promised
So I said that I would post my entry to the "Real Simple Magazine Life Lessons Essay Contest" on my blog after they posted the winner (not me). And so here it is-- If you don't like long, you should probably leave now. It's short for an essay, but still long for a blog post.
The question was: What was the most important day of your life?
“What was the most important day of your life?”
I look at this question and I am completely overwhelmed. After all, how can one possibly choose ONE most important moment of an entire lifetime thus far? Okay, so maybe if I was married, I might call the day I met my husband the most important moment of my life—or if I had a child, the day he or she was born might be the most important moment of my life. But my life to this point has not been quite that predictable or cliché. It has not been the life little girls dream about when they are young. There is no dream man, no dream family with 2.5 children, no dream house and no dream job. Don’t get me wrong—I’m not complaining, I am mostly happy with my life—but it’s not at all what I had thought it would be. Two major stops on my “happily ever after” timeline have already come and gone unfulfilled. In my fictional life that I created for myself, I was married by 25, had my first kid by 28 and had published my first novel by 30.
When I turned 25, I spent the first half of the year trying to get over the fact that I wasn’t married. When I turned 28, the not having a kid wasn’t quite so much of a blow because I still hadn’t (and haven’t) found the man I’m going to marry. One thing I didn’t think about is that these goals are not realistic. Yes, things could have happened this way, but they didn’t, and it’s not because I’ve failed. I would have failed if I settled for something less than I wanted just to make this happen—but it takes a stronger person to hold out for what is right, even if it means watching all of your friends get what you want and still waiting. As far as the third stop on that timeline? There’s still time for that.
Thinking about all of these things made me realize that I knew exactly which day to call the most important day of my life. I discovered that TODAY is the most important day of my life. Today I will learn to never lower my standards in an attempt to find love. Today I will be made whole again. Today I will meet my first love, and today I will let him go. Today I will go to driving school, get my license and buy my first car, and today my mother will nearly have a nervous breakdown when I come home with a flashy red car. Today I will move into my own apartment. Itwill be small and a little bit dingy, but it will be mine. Today one of my dearest friends will move halfway around the world and I will be terrified that our friendship can not, will not survive; and today I will discover I was wrong as our friendship remains solid. Today I will graduate 11th in my high school class; and today I will graduate college (just barely) one semester after changing my major, saying farewell to the teaching career I never wanted anyway. Today we will celebrate my great-grandmother’s 100th birthday, and today she will pass away. Today I will watch my little (though not in stature) brother get married before me. Today I will remember all of these days. These are just some of my todays, but each and every one of them has helped to make me the person I am on this today. And all of the todays that are yet to come—how will I choose to spend them knowing that each one is the most important day of my life?
Today is the day I get out of bed and go to work so that I can pay the bills. Today is the day I will smile at a stranger passing by and maybe he’ll smile back and maybe he won’t. Maybe he’ll even stop to chat. And maybe we’ll never talk again, but maybe we will. Today is the day I will take a chance on people. I will love them in spite of the possibility that I will get hurt, or that I will hurt somebody else. Today I will put pen to paper and write something beautiful. Okay, so maybe only my mom and dad will think it’s beautiful, but it’s a start. I will just sit down and write whatever comes out because I will never write anything beautiful if I continue to write nothing at all. I will write this essay and I will mail it even though I will never be completely happy until it’s perfect—which it never will be. I will write because it’s what I love and I will not stop just because it’s not perfect.
Today is the day I choose to put my all into what I have at this moment rather than holding back, waiting for my “real life” to begin. Today is the day I celebrate and cherish the life I have rather than coveting somebody else’s. And when tomorrow becomes today, today will still be the most important day of my life. After all, there is no good that can come of always looking behind us, wishing things could be the way they used to be, or wondering where we went wrong. Glancing back and remembering the good times and learning from our mistakes is natural, even expected; like checking your rearview mirror while you’re driving. But when we continue to look behind us, we miss what lies ahead— not only the obstacles, but the joys as well. We miss the roadblocks in front of us and we crash. Or worse yet, we are so busy looking back at the love we used to have that we zoom right past the love that’s yet to come, missing out completely. Each today is a choice. We can choose to be in today and make the most of it or we can choose to be in yesterday and tomorrow, completely missing out on today.
Today is the day I move forward. I will not live in the past, nor will I worry about what the future holds, because worrying will take me nowhere. I will live today in a way that reflects who I am and what is important to me. I will stop expecting to fail. I will make a reachable goal for today and today and today. I will do what I can with what I have and nothing more or less. I will value my commitments to myself as much as I value my commitments to others. Today I will spend a little less money and a little more time on myself. I will make dinner for a friend. I will pray for contentment with a life that is nothing like I planned and expect my prayer to be answered. I will stop standing in the place I have been and take one step forward, then another and another. Today I will choose to do all of these things. And tomorrow I will have to choose to do them all over again because it will be another today… And another best day of my life.
The question was: What was the most important day of your life?
“What was the most important day of your life?”
I look at this question and I am completely overwhelmed. After all, how can one possibly choose ONE most important moment of an entire lifetime thus far? Okay, so maybe if I was married, I might call the day I met my husband the most important moment of my life—or if I had a child, the day he or she was born might be the most important moment of my life. But my life to this point has not been quite that predictable or cliché. It has not been the life little girls dream about when they are young. There is no dream man, no dream family with 2.5 children, no dream house and no dream job. Don’t get me wrong—I’m not complaining, I am mostly happy with my life—but it’s not at all what I had thought it would be. Two major stops on my “happily ever after” timeline have already come and gone unfulfilled. In my fictional life that I created for myself, I was married by 25, had my first kid by 28 and had published my first novel by 30.
When I turned 25, I spent the first half of the year trying to get over the fact that I wasn’t married. When I turned 28, the not having a kid wasn’t quite so much of a blow because I still hadn’t (and haven’t) found the man I’m going to marry. One thing I didn’t think about is that these goals are not realistic. Yes, things could have happened this way, but they didn’t, and it’s not because I’ve failed. I would have failed if I settled for something less than I wanted just to make this happen—but it takes a stronger person to hold out for what is right, even if it means watching all of your friends get what you want and still waiting. As far as the third stop on that timeline? There’s still time for that.
Thinking about all of these things made me realize that I knew exactly which day to call the most important day of my life. I discovered that TODAY is the most important day of my life. Today I will learn to never lower my standards in an attempt to find love. Today I will be made whole again. Today I will meet my first love, and today I will let him go. Today I will go to driving school, get my license and buy my first car, and today my mother will nearly have a nervous breakdown when I come home with a flashy red car. Today I will move into my own apartment. Itwill be small and a little bit dingy, but it will be mine. Today one of my dearest friends will move halfway around the world and I will be terrified that our friendship can not, will not survive; and today I will discover I was wrong as our friendship remains solid. Today I will graduate 11th in my high school class; and today I will graduate college (just barely) one semester after changing my major, saying farewell to the teaching career I never wanted anyway. Today we will celebrate my great-grandmother’s 100th birthday, and today she will pass away. Today I will watch my little (though not in stature) brother get married before me. Today I will remember all of these days. These are just some of my todays, but each and every one of them has helped to make me the person I am on this today. And all of the todays that are yet to come—how will I choose to spend them knowing that each one is the most important day of my life?
Today is the day I get out of bed and go to work so that I can pay the bills. Today is the day I will smile at a stranger passing by and maybe he’ll smile back and maybe he won’t. Maybe he’ll even stop to chat. And maybe we’ll never talk again, but maybe we will. Today is the day I will take a chance on people. I will love them in spite of the possibility that I will get hurt, or that I will hurt somebody else. Today I will put pen to paper and write something beautiful. Okay, so maybe only my mom and dad will think it’s beautiful, but it’s a start. I will just sit down and write whatever comes out because I will never write anything beautiful if I continue to write nothing at all. I will write this essay and I will mail it even though I will never be completely happy until it’s perfect—which it never will be. I will write because it’s what I love and I will not stop just because it’s not perfect.
Today is the day I choose to put my all into what I have at this moment rather than holding back, waiting for my “real life” to begin. Today is the day I celebrate and cherish the life I have rather than coveting somebody else’s. And when tomorrow becomes today, today will still be the most important day of my life. After all, there is no good that can come of always looking behind us, wishing things could be the way they used to be, or wondering where we went wrong. Glancing back and remembering the good times and learning from our mistakes is natural, even expected; like checking your rearview mirror while you’re driving. But when we continue to look behind us, we miss what lies ahead— not only the obstacles, but the joys as well. We miss the roadblocks in front of us and we crash. Or worse yet, we are so busy looking back at the love we used to have that we zoom right past the love that’s yet to come, missing out completely. Each today is a choice. We can choose to be in today and make the most of it or we can choose to be in yesterday and tomorrow, completely missing out on today.
Today is the day I move forward. I will not live in the past, nor will I worry about what the future holds, because worrying will take me nowhere. I will live today in a way that reflects who I am and what is important to me. I will stop expecting to fail. I will make a reachable goal for today and today and today. I will do what I can with what I have and nothing more or less. I will value my commitments to myself as much as I value my commitments to others. Today I will spend a little less money and a little more time on myself. I will make dinner for a friend. I will pray for contentment with a life that is nothing like I planned and expect my prayer to be answered. I will stop standing in the place I have been and take one step forward, then another and another. Today I will choose to do all of these things. And tomorrow I will have to choose to do them all over again because it will be another today… And another best day of my life.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
A New You in 2009
Okay, so I'm not really counting on a NEW me in 2009. Yes, I will continue to grow and change, but I know I will not INSTANTLY be new. But I was watching TV and that's what the commercial in the background promised, so it seemed like a good title for a blog post.
2008 kind of sucked, but it is done and over with, so there is no use dwelling on that now. The topic of this post is the things I realized about myself this weekend that I can now work on.
As you all know, I love kids-- I really want my own, but alas it is not the time. As you also know, the place that I generally serve is with the kids. I spent several years working in the nursery once or twice a month and then I moved on to watching the younger kids while the older kids were in youth group. Once youth group stopped meeting on Wednesday nights, I never picked up another area of service. I really wanted to work with the kids, but I thought that it was best to stay away because I thought it would put too much focus on what I want more than anything else but cannot have.
But this weekend I realized that since I stopped serving with the kids and no longer had regular time spent with kids and/or serving, I have been MORE depressed. So I stopped to try to keep from being depressed and it actually made me more depressed. And so now, it is BACK to the kids. HOORAY!
In other news, it is a wonderful thing to have friends who share the same struggles as you. It feels great to know that there is somebody knows exactly how you feel and what you mean without having to give a lengthy explanation-- though it would be exponentially better if none of us had to deal with it- but since we do, being able to share the struggles makes life a little bit better.
The Real Simple Magazine essay contest that I entered will be posting the winners this Friday. I haven't heard anything yet, so I am assuming that I am not a winner. However, I will remain hopeful for three more days until the winners are posted. After that, when (oops I mean if) I am not a winner, then I will post my essay on my blog.
Happy 2009 to you all! And now it is time to watch Jeopardy-- It makes me feel smart.
2008 kind of sucked, but it is done and over with, so there is no use dwelling on that now. The topic of this post is the things I realized about myself this weekend that I can now work on.
As you all know, I love kids-- I really want my own, but alas it is not the time. As you also know, the place that I generally serve is with the kids. I spent several years working in the nursery once or twice a month and then I moved on to watching the younger kids while the older kids were in youth group. Once youth group stopped meeting on Wednesday nights, I never picked up another area of service. I really wanted to work with the kids, but I thought that it was best to stay away because I thought it would put too much focus on what I want more than anything else but cannot have.
But this weekend I realized that since I stopped serving with the kids and no longer had regular time spent with kids and/or serving, I have been MORE depressed. So I stopped to try to keep from being depressed and it actually made me more depressed. And so now, it is BACK to the kids. HOORAY!
In other news, it is a wonderful thing to have friends who share the same struggles as you. It feels great to know that there is somebody knows exactly how you feel and what you mean without having to give a lengthy explanation-- though it would be exponentially better if none of us had to deal with it- but since we do, being able to share the struggles makes life a little bit better.
The Real Simple Magazine essay contest that I entered will be posting the winners this Friday. I haven't heard anything yet, so I am assuming that I am not a winner. However, I will remain hopeful for three more days until the winners are posted. After that, when (oops I mean if) I am not a winner, then I will post my essay on my blog.
Happy 2009 to you all! And now it is time to watch Jeopardy-- It makes me feel smart.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Happy New Year and Welcome to 2009!
You know all of the rules about drinking that one should follow in order to avoid feeling crappy the next day? Let's just say that those rules went out the window this New Years' Eve. The last couple of years I spent New Years' with my family for lack of a better plan. This year I attended a "progressive dinner" with a couple of my closest friends and it was quite an adventure. I enjoyed myself immensely despite my resistance to the entire idea. And at the encouragement of my friends, I did indulge in some beverages. To be honest, I broke the cardinal rule of drinking and mixed my alcohols... I had a margarita at the first stop (tequila). Shared a bowl drink with my friends at the second stop (also tequila). No drinks at the third stop. The fourth and final stop is when everything went down hill. I started with a glass of wine, moved on to a mojito (rum), then decided that a PEAR mojito might be better (vodka) and then after midnight enjoyed a couple of mimosas (champagne) and a glass of wine. Let's just say this is a once in a lifetime experience. I feel great at the moment, but I'm sure that won't be the case in the morning... I am currently eating crackers and drinking water to try to minimize the consequences. And I am QUITE looking forward to coffee with Erica tomorrow. Should be a great time. Happy New Year to Ya'll and I shall see you soon! :)
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