Life has been interesting lately. For the most part I have been happy because of my friends-- the ones that God has so graciously placed in my life-- despite the constant feeling that something in my life is still unfulfilled. I've been dealing with some stuff that I'm just not going to blog about and these few fabulous friends who are endlessly loyal have been very supportive once I let them in. As far as everybody else-- I feel like I'm having to work far harder than I should, and I'm getting to the point of being burned out again on being the one to put in all of the effort. Why should I always be the one doing the planning and inviting? When does it get to be somebody else's turn? (The loyal few are excluded from this statement. You know who you are...) I'm tired and I need a break, but I'm afraid that if I take one, if I stop being the one to make the effort, I'll end up isolated all over again.
Partially I think I'm just emo because I have a lot of questions, a lot of issues, but not many answers. And partially I think it's because the up and coming birthday of doom (30) and I have yet to accomplish anything noteworthy. I know that our accomplishments should not/do not matter-- but as I said before, there are days when I feel unfulfilled. I wonder what I'm supposed to be doing, how I should be making a difference, why I am still here, alone, waiting for life to happen. I know-- life doesn't just happen-- I need to take action of some sort, but I just can't figure out what.
And this is why I haven't blogged. Nothing makes sense. I have Jesus. I have friends who love me and I am mostly happy-- at least when they're around. So why isn't it enough? Why do I still see what other people have and want it even though I know it isn't right for me? Why do I sabotage myself in my pursuit of my dreams-- give up before I've even started?
Yeah... I think it's time for bed.
Until the next time...
2 comments:
I'm listening . . . Until next time . . .
I hear you friend...
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