Finding Hope

Hope is something that is a recurring theme in my life right now. The reality is, there is just a tiny pinhole of light in an otherwise dark time in my life, and that tiny pinhole of light is what keeps me going. I sometimes find myself feeling like there is nothing but darkness, but fabulous Noel and her hope quotes on Facebook keep directing me back to that little drop of light in the distance. The quote that sticks in my mind and pops into my head several times every day right now is the one that says “Hope is the feeling that the feeling you have isn't permanent." Knowing that this despair, pain, grief, and emptiness cannot last forever is the only hope I have right now.
I feel like a bucket that is always full to the brim, and dropping even just the tiniest thing in sends the tears rushing over the edge. I've always been a naturally emotional person anyway, but this is far beyond that. The thing I want the most is someone to hold me while I cry and to tell me that things will get better. But I'm still missing that, because the person who used to do that for me is gone. I don't know who should be filling that spot right now- I haven't figured it out yet.
I have been blessed by a few really good friends who are by my side as I make my way toward that tiny bright spot in the distance. They know who they are, and I hope they know how much I truly love and appreciate them.
In other ways, some things never change, though I hope they will. I still feel like I work hard at the things that I do and see very little difference for all of the hard work. I still wish that I was more talented at the things that I'm passionate about. I still desperately desire a family of my own. Only now, I sometimes feel like a failure and a disappointment because my mom never got to see me accomplish my dreams or find my greatest desires. My head knows that this is a lie, but my heart is cruel. This is the first time I've actually shared these thoughts- the ones where I feel like I let my mother down because I wasn't able to give her the grandchildren she wanted more than anything. Because I never got to prove to her that my dreams really could come true. Because I never got to take her to the places she wanted to see. And I never really got to take care of her instead of her taking care of me.
These thoughts have the potential to overtake me, to drown me. The only thing I can do is keep clinging to my life raft and hope that the storm will calm down soon so I have a chance to swim back to solid ground. There is hope in knowing that ten years ago, the person I was could not have survived this storm. The person I was ten years ago didn't have a life raft to cling to- the person I was ten years ago did not have Jesus. That is hope.

Working Through...

This has been a period of time for me where I'm working through a lot of stuff. I'm trying to learn to value myself enough to keep the commitments I make to myself. I'm trying to find contentment with the family that God has given me even though it looks nothing like the family I thought I'd have by now. It's been challenging. I'm used to making excuses for myself, finding reasons why I can't do the things I want to do- I don't feel well... I have this other thing to do... I am just too tired... So doing the same thing that I want to do every day for sixty days has been a healing process. And as far as the family goes-- I'm lost on how to deal with that challenge. Every time I turn around, there's another person close to me starting on their journey to start their families. I am overjoyed by the thought of having additions to the family God has blessed me with, and yet it is a challenge because it means that I am watching up close and personal as my friends are blessed with the things I have been waiting patiently (and sometimes not so patiently) for a good number of years. I am daily seeing the joy they are experiencing and trying to be content while I wait for my own joy. But it's not always as easy as just knowing...

Today I was hoping to talk to someone about all of this junk, and instead I ended up crying more as I discovered that even more of the people who have invested in me and loved on me even when it seemed like nobody cared will be moving on to something new. I am, again, happy for them as they move forward in their journey of life, but I am also sad. The past year of time has seen many of the people who invested in me move away or leave for other reasons, and while some of them are still in contact and loving me and encouraging me, others don't even offer so much as a hello on Facebook anymore, and that has hurt quite a bit. I'm afraid of this happening with more friends, more family as they go off in new directions. I know that I should not be afraid, but I don't want to slide back into being the person who hides in the corner and waits for people to notice me. I feel myself slipping back in that direction sometimes and I'm not sure how to stop it when it feels like I'm starting all over again-- investing in new relationships with people who have not yet grown to know and love me as I am.

After all of this ick today, and processing, I really didn't feel like doing anything. Of course I went to yoga, because it would be stupid to give up with just five days to go and for such a petty reason. So I went and hoped that since I'd only had one other class with this teacher that she wouldn't notice me- that I could just blend into the background and get it over with. But that is not what happened. Instead this teacher commented on my postures throughout the class, which made me want to work harder. After class she commented some more. Also, several other people offered encouragement to me as I get close to completing my 60 day challenge. It made me feel a million times better to know that people see the hard work that I put into something that I am doing. It made it clear to me that people see it in other parts of my life, too-- It's just me that doesn't always see it, that doesn't always recognize that the things that I am doing really are a big deal in some way. I tend to downplay the things I do, like they don't really matter, rather than being excited for what I have accomplished. As I said, I am learning. I am moving forward in my own way. And the things that I do are important in their own ways.

Stagnant

I thought that accomplishing something would fill something that was lacking in my life. And in a way it has. I really am learning to value myself enough to keep my commitments to myself. It really is a good thing. But in another sense I feel like it hasn't changed anything. While I'm valuing myself in my own life, I still feel like I'm standing still while everything moves and changes around me. I am seeing friends and family members all around having their dreams come true- weddings, babies, graduations, careers, all of it. And here I am living- every day the same as the one before. Nothing bad happening, which is a blessing, but nothing good either. Just the same old stuff, different day.
I am struggling to find peace with God's timing. I know in my head that His timing is perfect and if things aren't happening for me, it's because it's just not the right time yet. But my heart is impatient after all of these years that I've been waiting for my turn.
The other day after my yoga class, one of the other students asked if I was writing about my experience working toward completing 60 classes in 60 days. She'd heard that I was a writer (I'm not quite sure how) and she thought it would be a good thing to write about. I was ashamed to admit that it hadn't really occurred to me. I suppose writing will be the next commitment to myself that I need to work on keeping while I'm waiting for God's timing to bring me a family to love.

I May Be Crazy

If you're reading this and don't already know about my latest venture, I'll fill you in. On April 19, I started a 30 day challenge of Bikram yoga. In other words, I go to class every day for thirty days. The classes are 90 minutes long and consist of the same 26 postures every time. The best part... The class is done in a 105 degree room... Very exciting. So anyway, today was my 25th day and it feels great to be accomplishing something. I'm trying to focus on the positives I've experienced even though I sometimes feel frustrated that I'm working so hard and not seeing much change in my body. I'm sure it will come. In the mean time, I have finished 25 out of 30 days and I think I'm going to expand it to 60 days. Like I said, I may be crazy. If anyone would like to join me, I'd love the company! :)

Dumpy day

I am here because I feel dumpy today. I feel like no matter how hard I work at anything, it always amounts to nothing. My head knows that it's not true, but it is how I feel. I'm feeling discouraged right now because nothing ever seems to go right. I know that working towards accomplishing something is a good thing- that setting and meeting a goal will help me feel better about myself, but I still feel like it's not enough. I want to be healthy. I have been trying for quite a while to get myself there, and every time I think that I'm on my way, something else comes up and I just never seem to get there. I know that I'm fortunate because there are people who have much bigger problems than I do and all of that jazz, but it doesn't keep me from being discouraged because I just don't ever get any answers and if there are no answers then there are also no solutions. I haven't felt GOOD in quite a long time. I'm not sure if I'd recognize the feeling anymore if I ever did. Most days I feel OKAY, not good, not bad, just here and it's much better than feeling bad, so I guess in a way it's good... But I want to wake up some morning and be able to say to myself, "I feel good."

Eh, enough emo-y goodness from me. Back to the rabbit hole...

Taking control while giving it over

2009 was a tumultuous year that left me feeling like I was tumbling downhill over and over again. For the most part, I was happier than I've been over any year in the past. This doesn't mean I didn't have my emo moments, but I was much less depressed over all than any other year. This is a good thing. But as my emotional health has been improving, my physical health has been doing the opposite. Nothing horrific or catastrophic has happened, but the reality is, I haven't really felt GOOD for a long time. Mostly a general blah. I've spent the better part of the last year trying to track down a reason for it and have been poked, prodded and processed more than the rest of my life combined. And as of now I have 4 different answers and nothing to really concretely tie it all up in a neat little package. But I guess the reality is that life doesn't ever happen in neat little packages, so I'm not sure why I expected this to be any different.
I've mostly been quiet about the whole process except for a select few who have been kept in the loop along the way because I really just don't want to seem like a drama queen-- and because as I said, nothing horrific or catastrophic, so there's no point in drawing too much attention to something that is really nothing more than a horrible inconvenience. Occasionally a facebook status update or a comment here and there might give it away that I don't feel so great, but for the most part this has just been something for me to deal with and get through and that's all there is to it. The problem with this, is that I haven't been really giving it over to God to handle. I mean, sure-- I prayed about it-- that there would be nothing wrong, that somebody would give me an answer, that there would be a simple thing that I could do to make things better, whether it was eliminating a specific food/food group or a pill that would instantly make it all go away, even that something even worse would happen so that I could just get an answer already-- but I never really gave it over. I spent so much time dwelling on it that I let it take control. I was letting discomfort and fear control my life and in the process was missing out on a lot of life.
The reality is, I still don't have a solid answer. I don't know if I ever will--most things are normal, just a bunch of little things that aren't-- but it's not really my problem to worry about it. I'm not saying I intend to ignore things that my body may be trying to tell me, but I am saying that I can't spend every day worrying about it, letting it dictate what I will and won't do. If I let it control me and stop living, then it is a certainty that I will acquire everything that I'm already at risk for because of my mom's history on top of whatever my own issues may be.
So the plan for now is to do what I need to do to be as healthy as I can be and to know that God will give me the strength to do it. First off- I'm starting to run again-- because brisk walks in the park and the Gazelle in the living room aren't cutting it, and because I want to accomplish something. I'm setting a goal of running the 10K in May with my co-worker. So far I've done two runs, and they were not nearly as difficult as I thought they would be. Second-- I'm going back to doing Bikram yoga. The plan is to go once a week. There are several reasons for this part of the plan: For some variety in my workout routine, because it feels good, but especially because it is something that I might just be good at someday because I'm pretty flexible naturally-- and I need something in my life that I'm good at. The third part may be the most important-- only time will tell-- but I'm going to ask my doctor to refer me for a nutritional counseling program to help me figure out what foods are going to work for me and what ones aren't, but more importantly how to make sure that I'm getting everything I need when I'm excluding certain foods from my diet. I've been eating a lot of the same sorts of things over and over again and I know that I'm not getting everything, but I haven't quite worked out what is going to disagree with me, and most of the time it's easier to just stick with what I know is safe than to try something new and then have to worry (I know I'm not supposed to do that) about what it's going to do to me. I am a work in progress, and I am trying to take control of the choices I have been given by God, and leaving all the rest for Him to carry for me. I know that I can't carry it all, and trying to will just leave me weighed down so much that I won't be able to move. So, God, please take these burdens from me. Take the worry, take the fear, point me in the direction of the choices you'd like me to make and give me the strengh to make those choices everyday.