What happened to my heart?

We'll just say that this last year has done a real number on it-- and along the way, it seems to have gotten lost. I am still aware of it. I know that it's there--it reminds me when I experience a particularly harsh disappointment--but it's almost like I'm trying to ignore it, to numb it. And in the process I've lost all discipline for taking care of myself. Yes, I still go to work because other people expect me to be there, but my heart isn't in it. I still go to the gym with my day, because he expects me to be there, but I don't put the effort in anymore. I don't care what I eat, or how messy my apartment gets. My head knows that all of these things are a problem, but it can't convince my body or my heart to do anything about it.
I feel like I've been losing touch, like I've been trying so hard to just get through, to just get by, and in the process, I've stopped depending on God, and I've stopped depending on the people I love, and this is why everything is falling apart. I know that I need to allow my friends to come beside me and help me. I know that I need to ask for help sometimes, but at some point I started to feel like a burden, like a drain, like I should be moving on and not needing help and comfort anymore. But it's not true. I still need help. I spend too much time alone, and I know it's not good for me, that it's death for my spirit, but I don't do anything about it. This past week, I was talking to a friend and I told her that if I didn't have commitments, I could go the entire week without talking to anybody aside from my co-workers and my dad. I told her that between weekends, a meaningful conversation with my friends was rare. She looked at me like I was crazy-- like I was making this up, because in the real world this sort of thing just doesn't happen. And I love her for the wild-eyed optimism that allows her to feel shock that such a thing could happen. And I love her for stepping beside me and offering to help with part of the repair work that needs to be done in my life.
In the mean time, I'm not sure if the isolation I'm struggling with right now is entirely my fault, as it has been in the past. I feel like I'm making more effort than in past periods of isolation, but it's really hard when everyone else is seeing their lives fall into place while mine is just falling apart. Priorities change, relationships shift. It happens, and I know it's a constant. I love all of my friends and I know that each of them was placed in my life for a specific reason, but sometimes it feels like I don't fit anymore. I am happy for their progress, for their success in life and relationships, I just can't help feeling excluded. I celebrate with them when we're together- but when I've alone, the chasm I'm looking across seems to be getting bigger every day.
I know that lately, I've been trying to build my own bridge, to figure out my own way to get across. And I know that this is part of the problem, because I cannot build a bridge that size on my own. For that, I need a carpenter...

My Neglected Blog

My blog has been rather neglected, and after last weeks excursion back into emo poetry, I'm thinking that it may be time to return to my blogging, whether anybody reads it or not... I'd prefer they did, but if not, at least I still have a place for my emo thoughts to go.
So right now, I'm reflecting on Easter weekend and all that went on. The processing and such began on Friday when I suffered another disappointment in the dating (or lack there of) department. It really wasn't that big of a deal, but since I'm still not used to having my main support for this sort of thing, it became a big deal, but just for the day.
Saturday was busy, packed with activity from 7 am - 11pm, but it was enjoyable. Attempted to participate in a conversation in which my last dating potential disappointment was involved. It felt very awkward, but I didn't run away like I have been, so I guess it's progress. Then Saturday night I had a dream about the awkwardness and confronting it. The reality of the matter is that confronting the awkwardness would probably just create more awkwardness than just letting it pass, but in my dream, we had a conversation about it and he admitted to knowing that what he did was going to hurt me, but he didn't really know what to do about it. This left me feeling like I really did just want him to have what was best for him, but still it's hard to be around the whole thing. Whatever. No more dwelling on that.
Then Sunday morning, many people that I talked to told me that they had no idea that I could perform, that it was a completely different side of me. And then I realized something-- not entirely new, but something that I thought I'd moved past-- the reality of me is that I still feel more comfortable playing a character; putting on a facade. It's so much easier to share the hard things that have happened when I tell it in third person. The people who know the real me truly know all of me because they can see past that character, past the facade, but everyone else is willing to accept the character as who I am.