Thursday, May 13, 2010
I May Be Crazy
If you're reading this and don't already know about my latest venture, I'll fill you in. On April 19, I started a 30 day challenge of Bikram yoga. In other words, I go to class every day for thirty days. The classes are 90 minutes long and consist of the same 26 postures every time. The best part... The class is done in a 105 degree room... Very exciting. So anyway, today was my 25th day and it feels great to be accomplishing something. I'm trying to focus on the positives I've experienced even though I sometimes feel frustrated that I'm working so hard and not seeing much change in my body. I'm sure it will come. In the mean time, I have finished 25 out of 30 days and I think I'm going to expand it to 60 days. Like I said, I may be crazy. If anyone would like to join me, I'd love the company! :)
Wednesday, May 05, 2010
Dumpy day
I am here because I feel dumpy today. I feel like no matter how hard I work at anything, it always amounts to nothing. My head knows that it's not true, but it is how I feel. I'm feeling discouraged right now because nothing ever seems to go right. I know that working towards accomplishing something is a good thing- that setting and meeting a goal will help me feel better about myself, but I still feel like it's not enough. I want to be healthy. I have been trying for quite a while to get myself there, and every time I think that I'm on my way, something else comes up and I just never seem to get there. I know that I'm fortunate because there are people who have much bigger problems than I do and all of that jazz, but it doesn't keep me from being discouraged because I just don't ever get any answers and if there are no answers then there are also no solutions. I haven't felt GOOD in quite a long time. I'm not sure if I'd recognize the feeling anymore if I ever did. Most days I feel OKAY, not good, not bad, just here and it's much better than feeling bad, so I guess in a way it's good... But I want to wake up some morning and be able to say to myself, "I feel good."
Eh, enough emo-y goodness from me. Back to the rabbit hole...
Eh, enough emo-y goodness from me. Back to the rabbit hole...
Monday, January 18, 2010
Taking control while giving it over
2009 was a tumultuous year that left me feeling like I was tumbling downhill over and over again. For the most part, I was happier than I've been over any year in the past. This doesn't mean I didn't have my emo moments, but I was much less depressed over all than any other year. This is a good thing. But as my emotional health has been improving, my physical health has been doing the opposite. Nothing horrific or catastrophic has happened, but the reality is, I haven't really felt GOOD for a long time. Mostly a general blah. I've spent the better part of the last year trying to track down a reason for it and have been poked, prodded and processed more than the rest of my life combined. And as of now I have 4 different answers and nothing to really concretely tie it all up in a neat little package. But I guess the reality is that life doesn't ever happen in neat little packages, so I'm not sure why I expected this to be any different.
I've mostly been quiet about the whole process except for a select few who have been kept in the loop along the way because I really just don't want to seem like a drama queen-- and because as I said, nothing horrific or catastrophic, so there's no point in drawing too much attention to something that is really nothing more than a horrible inconvenience. Occasionally a facebook status update or a comment here and there might give it away that I don't feel so great, but for the most part this has just been something for me to deal with and get through and that's all there is to it. The problem with this, is that I haven't been really giving it over to God to handle. I mean, sure-- I prayed about it-- that there would be nothing wrong, that somebody would give me an answer, that there would be a simple thing that I could do to make things better, whether it was eliminating a specific food/food group or a pill that would instantly make it all go away, even that something even worse would happen so that I could just get an answer already-- but I never really gave it over. I spent so much time dwelling on it that I let it take control. I was letting discomfort and fear control my life and in the process was missing out on a lot of life.
The reality is, I still don't have a solid answer. I don't know if I ever will--most things are normal, just a bunch of little things that aren't-- but it's not really my problem to worry about it. I'm not saying I intend to ignore things that my body may be trying to tell me, but I am saying that I can't spend every day worrying about it, letting it dictate what I will and won't do. If I let it control me and stop living, then it is a certainty that I will acquire everything that I'm already at risk for because of my mom's history on top of whatever my own issues may be.
So the plan for now is to do what I need to do to be as healthy as I can be and to know that God will give me the strength to do it. First off- I'm starting to run again-- because brisk walks in the park and the Gazelle in the living room aren't cutting it, and because I want to accomplish something. I'm setting a goal of running the 10K in May with my co-worker. So far I've done two runs, and they were not nearly as difficult as I thought they would be. Second-- I'm going back to doing Bikram yoga. The plan is to go once a week. There are several reasons for this part of the plan: For some variety in my workout routine, because it feels good, but especially because it is something that I might just be good at someday because I'm pretty flexible naturally-- and I need something in my life that I'm good at. The third part may be the most important-- only time will tell-- but I'm going to ask my doctor to refer me for a nutritional counseling program to help me figure out what foods are going to work for me and what ones aren't, but more importantly how to make sure that I'm getting everything I need when I'm excluding certain foods from my diet. I've been eating a lot of the same sorts of things over and over again and I know that I'm not getting everything, but I haven't quite worked out what is going to disagree with me, and most of the time it's easier to just stick with what I know is safe than to try something new and then have to worry (I know I'm not supposed to do that) about what it's going to do to me. I am a work in progress, and I am trying to take control of the choices I have been given by God, and leaving all the rest for Him to carry for me. I know that I can't carry it all, and trying to will just leave me weighed down so much that I won't be able to move. So, God, please take these burdens from me. Take the worry, take the fear, point me in the direction of the choices you'd like me to make and give me the strengh to make those choices everyday.
I've mostly been quiet about the whole process except for a select few who have been kept in the loop along the way because I really just don't want to seem like a drama queen-- and because as I said, nothing horrific or catastrophic, so there's no point in drawing too much attention to something that is really nothing more than a horrible inconvenience. Occasionally a facebook status update or a comment here and there might give it away that I don't feel so great, but for the most part this has just been something for me to deal with and get through and that's all there is to it. The problem with this, is that I haven't been really giving it over to God to handle. I mean, sure-- I prayed about it-- that there would be nothing wrong, that somebody would give me an answer, that there would be a simple thing that I could do to make things better, whether it was eliminating a specific food/food group or a pill that would instantly make it all go away, even that something even worse would happen so that I could just get an answer already-- but I never really gave it over. I spent so much time dwelling on it that I let it take control. I was letting discomfort and fear control my life and in the process was missing out on a lot of life.
The reality is, I still don't have a solid answer. I don't know if I ever will--most things are normal, just a bunch of little things that aren't-- but it's not really my problem to worry about it. I'm not saying I intend to ignore things that my body may be trying to tell me, but I am saying that I can't spend every day worrying about it, letting it dictate what I will and won't do. If I let it control me and stop living, then it is a certainty that I will acquire everything that I'm already at risk for because of my mom's history on top of whatever my own issues may be.
So the plan for now is to do what I need to do to be as healthy as I can be and to know that God will give me the strength to do it. First off- I'm starting to run again-- because brisk walks in the park and the Gazelle in the living room aren't cutting it, and because I want to accomplish something. I'm setting a goal of running the 10K in May with my co-worker. So far I've done two runs, and they were not nearly as difficult as I thought they would be. Second-- I'm going back to doing Bikram yoga. The plan is to go once a week. There are several reasons for this part of the plan: For some variety in my workout routine, because it feels good, but especially because it is something that I might just be good at someday because I'm pretty flexible naturally-- and I need something in my life that I'm good at. The third part may be the most important-- only time will tell-- but I'm going to ask my doctor to refer me for a nutritional counseling program to help me figure out what foods are going to work for me and what ones aren't, but more importantly how to make sure that I'm getting everything I need when I'm excluding certain foods from my diet. I've been eating a lot of the same sorts of things over and over again and I know that I'm not getting everything, but I haven't quite worked out what is going to disagree with me, and most of the time it's easier to just stick with what I know is safe than to try something new and then have to worry (I know I'm not supposed to do that) about what it's going to do to me. I am a work in progress, and I am trying to take control of the choices I have been given by God, and leaving all the rest for Him to carry for me. I know that I can't carry it all, and trying to will just leave me weighed down so much that I won't be able to move. So, God, please take these burdens from me. Take the worry, take the fear, point me in the direction of the choices you'd like me to make and give me the strengh to make those choices everyday.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Christmas Weekend So Far
Ah, what an eventful weekend after an equally eventful couple of weeks-- and not all in a good way. It started out last week when I spent the entire week feeling crappy and losing weight. Now don't get me wrong, I'm all about losing weight and I'm glad that I can now fit in a smaller pant size, but it really was not pleasant. When all was said and done, I ended up losing 9.6 pounds in a week. Now that I'm able to eat properly again, I've gained back two of those pounds. It seems that the problem was caused by the antibiotics I'm taking for Small Intestine Bacterial Overgrowth, which is the fourth answer that I've received since April and it is still undecided whether all of these things can be tied together in some way, or if they are all separate. So the antibiotics made me super-sick for a week and I have four more months where I need to take them for a week. We shall see how this goes.
So, just as I was starting to feel a little bit better and able to eat somewhat normally, my mom got the fabulous cellulitis infection right before Christmas. She went to get it checked it out on Sunday and they gave her antibiotics, which apparently did not help because it got worse instead of better and spread so they put her in the hospital for the night so that they could treat it with intravenous antibiotics. There was the possibility that she'd have to stay until Christmas Eve, but since it improved in 24 hours she was able to go home on Wednesday instead.
So Thursday, Christmas Eve, I had to work. We had been given the option of working longer days at the beginning of the week then only working 1/2 day on Christmas Eve, but I don't like going to work early because 7:30 is already early for me, so I opted not to. Most people took the 1/2 day on Thursday, so after 11am there were only 3 people still working in my department. My co-worker across the aisle put on Elf on his PSP and we listened while we worked. In the evening, I went to my aunt's house for the traditional Christmas Eve celebration. Every year my uncle (who is more like a sibling in maturity) and I provide entertainment by singing Christmas carols, sometimes in funny accents. He was also in theatre at UNR, so he enjoys performing as much as I do. My other uncle dresses up as Santa even though the youngest person there is 11 years old. And we eat lasagna every year. This has become a problem-- I really like lasagna, but lasagna doesn't like me. But I ate it anyway. And it didn't hurt me too much... After we left my aunt's house, we picked up Smokey and went to my parents' house and went to bed.
Christmas Day was much more busy than usual, but not in a bad way. We started off the morning with coffee at Starbucks (actually, soy chai for me) with my half-sister and her new husband and my nephew. Next, we picked up my grandma (the one who's not so nice) and went to breakfast at Black Bear Diner. I had a chorizo scramble which was quite tasty. After that, my parents wanted to take my grandmother out to the casino to gamble. Since I am really not a huge fan of the casinos, I went to the movies while my parents and grandmother went gambling. Yes, I went to the movies alone on Christmas. I love going to the movies alone AND I love going to the movies on Christmas, so it worked out quite well. I wanted to see Sherlock Holmes, but the next show time was over an hour away, so I went to Up in the Air instead. I was disappointed at first, but after seeing the movie, the disappointment dissipated. It was funny and sad all at once. It made me feel both content and depressed with my own life. It made me think about what's really important in life. After the movie/gambling, we were invited to dinner at my half-brother's house in Ferntucky and asked to bring dessert. So we went to the store to pick up ingredients for dessert and went back to my parents' house to make the dessert which was a cream cheese pudding pie. For dinner at my bro's house we had turkey, corn and macaroni and cheese. It was fun spending time with them, but the reality is I made very bad food choices which made it difficult to fully enjoy the evening. I really need to stop doing that. After dessert, I spent the remainder of the evening feeling crampy and tired, but I still had fun with the family. When we got back to the house, I crashed almost immediately.
This morning when I woke up, I got one of the books that I'd gotten for Christmas and went back to bed to read for a little while. We had breakfast, did some laundry and then went out to do some shopping. At Costco I got a beautiful Asian and Thai cookbook that has pictures of every single recipe. I really love Asian food because they use almost no dairy and very little wheat. I can't wait to try some of the recipes in the new pots and pans I got for Christmas. We then went to Starbucks with my brother and his... um... well his "friend"... Yeah, we'll just call her that. The rest of the evening was fairly uneventful. French dip sandwiches for dinner, finishing the laundry and Jeff Corwin's show on food network. Now I am home and I think it is almost time for bed. I think I shall take Smokey, my book and myself and head for the bedroom. :)
So, just as I was starting to feel a little bit better and able to eat somewhat normally, my mom got the fabulous cellulitis infection right before Christmas. She went to get it checked it out on Sunday and they gave her antibiotics, which apparently did not help because it got worse instead of better and spread so they put her in the hospital for the night so that they could treat it with intravenous antibiotics. There was the possibility that she'd have to stay until Christmas Eve, but since it improved in 24 hours she was able to go home on Wednesday instead.
So Thursday, Christmas Eve, I had to work. We had been given the option of working longer days at the beginning of the week then only working 1/2 day on Christmas Eve, but I don't like going to work early because 7:30 is already early for me, so I opted not to. Most people took the 1/2 day on Thursday, so after 11am there were only 3 people still working in my department. My co-worker across the aisle put on Elf on his PSP and we listened while we worked. In the evening, I went to my aunt's house for the traditional Christmas Eve celebration. Every year my uncle (who is more like a sibling in maturity) and I provide entertainment by singing Christmas carols, sometimes in funny accents. He was also in theatre at UNR, so he enjoys performing as much as I do. My other uncle dresses up as Santa even though the youngest person there is 11 years old. And we eat lasagna every year. This has become a problem-- I really like lasagna, but lasagna doesn't like me. But I ate it anyway. And it didn't hurt me too much... After we left my aunt's house, we picked up Smokey and went to my parents' house and went to bed.
Christmas Day was much more busy than usual, but not in a bad way. We started off the morning with coffee at Starbucks (actually, soy chai for me) with my half-sister and her new husband and my nephew. Next, we picked up my grandma (the one who's not so nice) and went to breakfast at Black Bear Diner. I had a chorizo scramble which was quite tasty. After that, my parents wanted to take my grandmother out to the casino to gamble. Since I am really not a huge fan of the casinos, I went to the movies while my parents and grandmother went gambling. Yes, I went to the movies alone on Christmas. I love going to the movies alone AND I love going to the movies on Christmas, so it worked out quite well. I wanted to see Sherlock Holmes, but the next show time was over an hour away, so I went to Up in the Air instead. I was disappointed at first, but after seeing the movie, the disappointment dissipated. It was funny and sad all at once. It made me feel both content and depressed with my own life. It made me think about what's really important in life. After the movie/gambling, we were invited to dinner at my half-brother's house in Ferntucky and asked to bring dessert. So we went to the store to pick up ingredients for dessert and went back to my parents' house to make the dessert which was a cream cheese pudding pie. For dinner at my bro's house we had turkey, corn and macaroni and cheese. It was fun spending time with them, but the reality is I made very bad food choices which made it difficult to fully enjoy the evening. I really need to stop doing that. After dessert, I spent the remainder of the evening feeling crampy and tired, but I still had fun with the family. When we got back to the house, I crashed almost immediately.
This morning when I woke up, I got one of the books that I'd gotten for Christmas and went back to bed to read for a little while. We had breakfast, did some laundry and then went out to do some shopping. At Costco I got a beautiful Asian and Thai cookbook that has pictures of every single recipe. I really love Asian food because they use almost no dairy and very little wheat. I can't wait to try some of the recipes in the new pots and pans I got for Christmas. We then went to Starbucks with my brother and his... um... well his "friend"... Yeah, we'll just call her that. The rest of the evening was fairly uneventful. French dip sandwiches for dinner, finishing the laundry and Jeff Corwin's show on food network. Now I am home and I think it is almost time for bed. I think I shall take Smokey, my book and myself and head for the bedroom. :)
Saturday, December 19, 2009
In most families, I'd be the weird one, but in this family, I'm the normal one...
Okay, I know. I've been a very bad inconsistent blogger as of late. Back when this blog first started, it was all kinds of emo and I whined a lot about how horrible my life was and so on. And over the last year, I decided I didn't want my blog to be that kind of place anymore. The problem is, the times when things are yucky in life are the times I feel most compelled to write, and so I have ended up writing nothing here. Emotionally, things are great. I look back at my old blog posts and realize that I have come MILES from the emo girl I used to be. That's not to say that I'm not still emo sometimes, because of course I am, but at this point in my life I have far more days between crying binges. (Okay, so that's not really hard since back then they happened almost daily...) At any rate, I am back to my blog and that's that.
As I said, emotionally, I have been great. I have isolated myself much less than usual this year and am learning to not take things so personally. People are people. They are flakey and inconsistent and it has nothing to do with me. It's just because they're looking out for number one...
Physically, I have been eeehhhhhh. But that is a story for another post, if ever...
Today's title, though, is about my family. I have to say that my family of origin/birth family is COMPLETELY insane! This is brought on by lots of family drama and weirdness as of late. It seems that nobody in my generation is capable of having a normal relationship. I will break that cycle eventually, but for now, there is my brother and his wife, each with their "spare spouses" as I like to call them. They each have a "friend" of the opposite sex with whom they spend their weekends and important days (such as birthdays, holidays, etc.) There are my half-siblings, only one of whom has even semi-normal relationship habits. But my two half-sisters... Forget about it. Definitely NOT rolemodels for me in my future life. The older of my two half-sisters got married last weekend with a week and a half notice. She married the father of her son. Sounds normal, right? Not so. Her son (my nephew) is TWENTY THREE and did not even know his father until this year. Did I mention that my family is insane?
As I said, emotionally, I have been great. I have isolated myself much less than usual this year and am learning to not take things so personally. People are people. They are flakey and inconsistent and it has nothing to do with me. It's just because they're looking out for number one...
Physically, I have been eeehhhhhh. But that is a story for another post, if ever...
Today's title, though, is about my family. I have to say that my family of origin/birth family is COMPLETELY insane! This is brought on by lots of family drama and weirdness as of late. It seems that nobody in my generation is capable of having a normal relationship. I will break that cycle eventually, but for now, there is my brother and his wife, each with their "spare spouses" as I like to call them. They each have a "friend" of the opposite sex with whom they spend their weekends and important days (such as birthdays, holidays, etc.) There are my half-siblings, only one of whom has even semi-normal relationship habits. But my two half-sisters... Forget about it. Definitely NOT rolemodels for me in my future life. The older of my two half-sisters got married last weekend with a week and a half notice. She married the father of her son. Sounds normal, right? Not so. Her son (my nephew) is TWENTY THREE and did not even know his father until this year. Did I mention that my family is insane?
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Wishes
Today record your wishes: the secret ones, the old favorites or the one that is speaking to you right now.
I wish I could finish a novel.
I wish I could edit somebody else's novel.
I wish I could share dinner with another person at least 5 days a week.
I wish I could go to medical school just for the knowledge.
I wish I could go to grad school, but only if I didn't have to work at the same time.
I wish I could plan another bridal shower or two or three.
I wish I could take my parents on a trip to Europe.
I wish I had appreciated my body more when I was younger.
I wish I could go to culinary school, again, just for the knowledge.
I wish I knew for sure that I would have children some day.
I wish Ben & Jerry's would bring back the "One Sweet Whirled" flavor.
I wish I didn't cry so much, but it's better than the alternative.
I wish my talent matched my passion in the things I love the most.
I wish I had some nachos.
I wish I would make better choices.
I wish I didn't still have two more work days before my vacation
I wish I had a margarita to go with the nachos that I also don't have.
I wish I had the courage, the resources and the finances to make these wishes come true, but mostly to make my friends' and families' wishes come true...
I wish I could finish a novel.
I wish I could edit somebody else's novel.
I wish I could share dinner with another person at least 5 days a week.
I wish I could go to medical school just for the knowledge.
I wish I could go to grad school, but only if I didn't have to work at the same time.
I wish I could plan another bridal shower or two or three.
I wish I could take my parents on a trip to Europe.
I wish I had appreciated my body more when I was younger.
I wish I could go to culinary school, again, just for the knowledge.
I wish I knew for sure that I would have children some day.
I wish Ben & Jerry's would bring back the "One Sweet Whirled" flavor.
I wish I didn't cry so much, but it's better than the alternative.
I wish my talent matched my passion in the things I love the most.
I wish I had some nachos.
I wish I would make better choices.
I wish I didn't still have two more work days before my vacation
I wish I had a margarita to go with the nachos that I also don't have.
I wish I had the courage, the resources and the finances to make these wishes come true, but mostly to make my friends' and families' wishes come true...
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Lies
Writing Exercise for 09/15/2009
Today write only lies. They can be absurd ones, such as, last night I had dinner with the President in Honolulu, or the lies you tell yourself and/or others. Without judgment be a total liar. Or write down lies you have told and, in retrospect, what motivated you to withhold the truth. Or, write a scene in which one of your characters considers telling a lie.
When I was in fifth grade, I went on a camping trip with my class to learn about surviving in the wilderness. This part is not the lie. The lie is what I told my classmates when they were trying to catch lizards and I was afraid. I didn't want to give them more fuel with which to burn me with their taunts, which saying that I was afraid of lizards was sure to do... So I lied. I told them that I was allergic to lizards. I know that it sounds ridiculous now-- after all, who is allergic to lizards-- but they bought it and I escaped the added ridicule that my irrational fear would have bought.
In eighth grade I lied to my mom about my grades. I told her that I was getting A's and B's and maybe one C when the reality was that there was maybe one A, one B and several C's-- and I didn't even mention the D I was getting in Algebra because I didn't do my homework. That would have meant explaining to her that I was miserable-- that it's hard to focus on doing your homework when you didn't even want to live. I cried a lot, but I never let her know how sad I really was because I was afraid of what she would do to try to make it better. I was afraid that she would actually make it worse. After all, in the past her interference, though with the best intentions, always had given the other kids even more reason to pick on me rather than stopping the trouble.
So the first semester she didn't find out about my grades until the failure notice came in the mail. I learned my lesson and did better the second semester. My grades didn't really improve but I learned to lie better. I told her that I was doing better in Algebra at least and then I made sure that I was the one to bring in the mail every day the week failure notices came out and I intercepted the notice, took it into the bathroom and burned it over the toilet then flushed the evidence.
When I was nineteen, I lied to everyone. I told them all that I was okay, that I was happy, then I secretly went into the bathroom and vomited or cut myself. I did it to distract myself-- by drawing the focus away from my emotions and onto the physical discomfort, I was able to keep from crying most of the time and even put on a happy face most of the time. I didn't want people to see what I was really feeling because they would think I was weak and needy. And if they thought I was weak and needy, they wouldn't give me a chance. This was a time of transition and I really needed people to give me a chance.
I still lie to my mother about this time in my life every day-- not that she's ever asked or even come close to knowing what I did during that time-- but I lie by omission. I tell her everything. I've admitted all of the rest of my lies and missteps, but this one I leave out. I don't want to worry her needlessly-- because even though this was almost eleven years ago and I'm not that person anymore, as a mother she will still worry about it and even be upset that I didn't come to her (even though I didn't go to anyone at the time) and upset that I did those things. It is the past and there is nothing to be gained by telling her.
These days, I still find myself lying constantly, but now it's in a different way. I lie when I act like I'm not smart enough. I lie when I say I don't have the discipline to change myself, to write a book, to run a marathon. I lie when I say I'm not pretty enough or interesting enough to meet somebody who will love me. I lie to myself every single day because to admit to myself that I AM intelligent, that I AM driven, that I AM beautiful and that I AM interesting means allowing myself to hope that the things I have always dreamed of are real possibilities. I lie, because having hope for the good things that may come if I believe in myself and taking action toward those things makes me afraid. I lie because if I convince myself that I can't do it, that I'm not good enough, then I don't have to try and then I will not be disappointing myself or anybody else when I fail.
This is my way of breaking free from the lies I tell myself. I am taking action. I am putting myself out there even though I'm afraid-- because if I don't, nothing will change. I will never feel more fulfilled and I will never know what could have been.
Today write only lies. They can be absurd ones, such as, last night I had dinner with the President in Honolulu, or the lies you tell yourself and/or others. Without judgment be a total liar. Or write down lies you have told and, in retrospect, what motivated you to withhold the truth. Or, write a scene in which one of your characters considers telling a lie.
When I was in fifth grade, I went on a camping trip with my class to learn about surviving in the wilderness. This part is not the lie. The lie is what I told my classmates when they were trying to catch lizards and I was afraid. I didn't want to give them more fuel with which to burn me with their taunts, which saying that I was afraid of lizards was sure to do... So I lied. I told them that I was allergic to lizards. I know that it sounds ridiculous now-- after all, who is allergic to lizards-- but they bought it and I escaped the added ridicule that my irrational fear would have bought.
In eighth grade I lied to my mom about my grades. I told her that I was getting A's and B's and maybe one C when the reality was that there was maybe one A, one B and several C's-- and I didn't even mention the D I was getting in Algebra because I didn't do my homework. That would have meant explaining to her that I was miserable-- that it's hard to focus on doing your homework when you didn't even want to live. I cried a lot, but I never let her know how sad I really was because I was afraid of what she would do to try to make it better. I was afraid that she would actually make it worse. After all, in the past her interference, though with the best intentions, always had given the other kids even more reason to pick on me rather than stopping the trouble.
So the first semester she didn't find out about my grades until the failure notice came in the mail. I learned my lesson and did better the second semester. My grades didn't really improve but I learned to lie better. I told her that I was doing better in Algebra at least and then I made sure that I was the one to bring in the mail every day the week failure notices came out and I intercepted the notice, took it into the bathroom and burned it over the toilet then flushed the evidence.
When I was nineteen, I lied to everyone. I told them all that I was okay, that I was happy, then I secretly went into the bathroom and vomited or cut myself. I did it to distract myself-- by drawing the focus away from my emotions and onto the physical discomfort, I was able to keep from crying most of the time and even put on a happy face most of the time. I didn't want people to see what I was really feeling because they would think I was weak and needy. And if they thought I was weak and needy, they wouldn't give me a chance. This was a time of transition and I really needed people to give me a chance.
I still lie to my mother about this time in my life every day-- not that she's ever asked or even come close to knowing what I did during that time-- but I lie by omission. I tell her everything. I've admitted all of the rest of my lies and missteps, but this one I leave out. I don't want to worry her needlessly-- because even though this was almost eleven years ago and I'm not that person anymore, as a mother she will still worry about it and even be upset that I didn't come to her (even though I didn't go to anyone at the time) and upset that I did those things. It is the past and there is nothing to be gained by telling her.
These days, I still find myself lying constantly, but now it's in a different way. I lie when I act like I'm not smart enough. I lie when I say I don't have the discipline to change myself, to write a book, to run a marathon. I lie when I say I'm not pretty enough or interesting enough to meet somebody who will love me. I lie to myself every single day because to admit to myself that I AM intelligent, that I AM driven, that I AM beautiful and that I AM interesting means allowing myself to hope that the things I have always dreamed of are real possibilities. I lie, because having hope for the good things that may come if I believe in myself and taking action toward those things makes me afraid. I lie because if I convince myself that I can't do it, that I'm not good enough, then I don't have to try and then I will not be disappointing myself or anybody else when I fail.
This is my way of breaking free from the lies I tell myself. I am taking action. I am putting myself out there even though I'm afraid-- because if I don't, nothing will change. I will never feel more fulfilled and I will never know what could have been.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Piece by Piece
Writing Exercise from 09/14/2009
Today start writing with no thought about what form the material will take. Or, select material you already have and try it out in another form. Pick from short story, poem, essay, performance monologue, creative non-fiction, children's story.
The enemy prevails
where uncertainty dwells.
The devilish voice in your head
incessantly yells
at you letting you know
that your dreams are worthless
that you'll never make it,
that your life is a mess.
The more that you listen
the more you believe
the less that you fight it
the more you're deceived.
As you boldly break free
from the tight grip of fear
you'll find even more of
the things you hold dear--
you'll start to find love
wherever you look
all because of your courage
and the chances you took.
Today start writing with no thought about what form the material will take. Or, select material you already have and try it out in another form. Pick from short story, poem, essay, performance monologue, creative non-fiction, children's story.
The enemy prevails
where uncertainty dwells.
The devilish voice in your head
incessantly yells
at you letting you know
that your dreams are worthless
that you'll never make it,
that your life is a mess.
The more that you listen
the more you believe
the less that you fight it
the more you're deceived.
As you boldly break free
from the tight grip of fear
you'll find even more of
the things you hold dear--
you'll start to find love
wherever you look
all because of your courage
and the chances you took.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Snot
Writing Exercise from 09/13/2009 (Don't blame me for the content, I'm just following the directions!)
Today, for a minimum of one full page, write about snot. Afterward, consider how you felt before you began, as you wrote, and once you were finished. Record your responses. Check if any material emerged that you could incorporate into a piece you are working on. Or list other unmentionable topics you could explore as you write.
As she sat crying on her couch, her body quivered and pulsed much like the oozing, dripping gob of snot that hung from her left nostril. It's pale, slightly yellowish hue was reminiscent of corn chowder and she was to upset to do anything about it-- she just left if there trembling on her upper lip, just barely clinging on. The mass of snot was fighting its hardest not to fall, like an inexperienced rock climber clings to the face of a mountain just a little bit too challenging.
As she continues to cry, the pearlescent blob begins to pulsate as it fills with air and then deflates again. When she finally realizes the snot is dangling perilously, she sniffs, summoning a portion of the pasty fluid back within, then she runs the back of her hand under her nose creating a smeared trail of snot up to her wrist.
I feel that writing a whole page about the snot is a bit over the top, but it might help in the event that you're trying to accurately portray a situation that may involve snot. Of course it would be excessive to use the entire description, but to just pull the pieces that fit the situation, it could be quite useful.
Today, for a minimum of one full page, write about snot. Afterward, consider how you felt before you began, as you wrote, and once you were finished. Record your responses. Check if any material emerged that you could incorporate into a piece you are working on. Or list other unmentionable topics you could explore as you write.
As she sat crying on her couch, her body quivered and pulsed much like the oozing, dripping gob of snot that hung from her left nostril. It's pale, slightly yellowish hue was reminiscent of corn chowder and she was to upset to do anything about it-- she just left if there trembling on her upper lip, just barely clinging on. The mass of snot was fighting its hardest not to fall, like an inexperienced rock climber clings to the face of a mountain just a little bit too challenging.
As she continues to cry, the pearlescent blob begins to pulsate as it fills with air and then deflates again. When she finally realizes the snot is dangling perilously, she sniffs, summoning a portion of the pasty fluid back within, then she runs the back of her hand under her nose creating a smeared trail of snot up to her wrist.
I feel that writing a whole page about the snot is a bit over the top, but it might help in the event that you're trying to accurately portray a situation that may involve snot. Of course it would be excessive to use the entire description, but to just pull the pieces that fit the situation, it could be quite useful.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
In the Beginning There Was the Word
Writing Exercise 09/12/2009 (Incomplete)
Today write about the first time words profoundly affected you. Describe the situation, what led up to it, the moment of the encounter, your physical reaction, and something else that was taking place in the same setting but had nothing to do with your experience. Feel free to allow your imagination to supply whichever of these elements you can't recall. You might try this as a poem.
"Does not play will with others."
Six simple words and yet they caused so much destruction. The first time those words emblazoned a report card, I could not imagine the affect they would have on my life. The reality was that others didn't play well with me, but those six words changed everything-- those six words came to define me. If they wanted somebody who didn't play well with others, then that was exactly what I was going to give them.
I became the feisty little girl who didn't really pick fights, but didn't do much to avoid them, either. Had I been bigger, I might have become a bully. But it's hard to act tough when you're only four feet tall.
Today write about the first time words profoundly affected you. Describe the situation, what led up to it, the moment of the encounter, your physical reaction, and something else that was taking place in the same setting but had nothing to do with your experience. Feel free to allow your imagination to supply whichever of these elements you can't recall. You might try this as a poem.
"Does not play will with others."
Six simple words and yet they caused so much destruction. The first time those words emblazoned a report card, I could not imagine the affect they would have on my life. The reality was that others didn't play well with me, but those six words changed everything-- those six words came to define me. If they wanted somebody who didn't play well with others, then that was exactly what I was going to give them.
I became the feisty little girl who didn't really pick fights, but didn't do much to avoid them, either. Had I been bigger, I might have become a bully. But it's hard to act tough when you're only four feet tall.
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