Some thoughts on waiting your turn...

There's a book I've been reading called When Wallflowers Dance by Angela Thomas. I have mentioned it here before. It's the sort of book that, rather than reading a chapter a day, I have been saving, not wanting to be finished. Instead, I have been reading a chapter here and there when I feel like I need a pick me up, or a nudge in the right direction. The chapter I read this week is called "Until It's Your Turn." I'd like to share some of the insight provided by this chapter:

p. 106 "The mature woman knows how to wait on God. She has learned through tears, disappointments, and even rejection that sometimes it's just not your turn. That doesn't mean it won't ever be. Or that you're not qualified. Or that you've gone completely the wrong way. It's just not yet."

p. 107 "To do everything we can, stay the course, and wait to be next requires a grown-up Jesus woman who has put away whining and manipulation. She has decided not to stomp her feet, huff and puff, groan and complain. She is waiting with integrity. Not cutting in line with her friend who's farther ahead. Not cheating for advantage. Not bargaining or bribing. Just waiting until she is called."

p. 108 "Waiting is not whining or fretting or looking over to compare whose turn came before ours. Waiting is an opportunity to grow up. To wait upon the Lord means choosing a higher road that most are not willing to take. Sometimes the wallflower has to wait to dance."

p. 109 "A long time ago I heard the adage You haven't begun to wait until you think you've waited long enough." "But maybe it's not about the length of time you have been waiting; maybe what matters is how." (Do you see where I'm going with all of this yet?)

p. 117 "While you wait, are you actively becoming the woman God can use? Are you faithful to prepare?"


So, after all of that, what was my point? In case you are reading this and wondering, "what exactly is Jeni rambling about now?" I am about to explain.

This whole chapter got me thinking about how I wait for things. I do not wait patiently--even in a grocery store line or a traffic jam, when I have to wait I grow surly and irritable. It affects everything in my life--The way I pray (without faith), the way I eat(too much), the way I sleep (not well), the way I clean (I don't), and the way I write (I also don't). The moral of the story is, I don't like to wait. I suppose part of the reasoning for this is because when I am waiting for something, I am incapable of focusing on anything else. My whole life is focused on the one thing I am waiting for and everything else is just an interruption or a distraction. It keeps me from doing any of the other things that God has for me.

Right now I am waiting for my turn at romance. This has been an on and off thing for several years. My eyes are so set on this ONE thing that I want that I cannot focus on my other dreams/Godly desires. Who cares about writing? Who cares if learning this computer program will help me if I get the chance for a different job? Who cares if I want it to be Christmas every day? I don't have time to worry about that. I need to get somebody to fall in love with me. While I'm waiting for the love of my life to come along, which could be months, but could also be YEARS, I could be writing (something other than blog posts) or developing a plan for Christmas Everyday, or investing in learning a new computer program, or even making my room into a suitable place to spend time writing. I could be doing any of these things to work toward what God has for me, but I'm not. I'm laying around reading, moping, and sometimes crying and screaming, my mind focused on how much it sucks that I'm still alone. It is time for this pattern to end. Today, I will take some time to write, and I will dance victoriously at the end of the day.

Everything stays the same...

Denden requested an update but there's really not much to say. I'm still struggling to let go of something that has been a part of me for five years. The reality of it is that I don't really want to--I just feel like I have to. True, I WANT the pain that it has caused to be gone. I WANT to have joyful life without so much drama, and am trying to be active in choosing that. But when I am alone, it's not as easy as it is when I'm around the people who love me. They help to force it out of my mind, or at least to the back where it's not so prevalent. I'm trying to force it out the rest of the time, when I am alone--But my heart continuously betrays me. In a moment of weakness, I stumble back to the source of it all. I want more than anything to see his face, hear his voice offering me words of comfort, and if I can't have that then at least I have to read what he writes, even though I promised myself I wouldn't. I did so well at it for a month and a half before he forced himself back in. Since then I find myself unable to stay away, even knowing that his words are the cause of my ever growing restlessness. Everytime I stumble and go back to them, I find something that confuses me even more--that gives me even more for my mind to wrestle with as I try to get some sleep. I return over and over again hoping to find something that will give the situation more clarity, but it just keeps getting murkier and murkier. Before I go, I know that I will not find anything that helps me, and yet I am continuously drawn. I need to stop going there. I need to not desire to know what he's doing/feeling. If God has plans for us down the road, so be it... He can take care of how we get there. But in the mean time I need to stop going there and focus my attentions on other things that God has for me. I need God to give me the strength and discipline to do this because it's completely obvious I cannot do it on my own. I want to be as focused as I was in that happy month and a half where I still cared, but I didn't NEED to know. Dear God, please return me to that.

A prayer for sleep

It has been just over two weeks since the last time I slept soundly through the night. I have been having a hard time falling a sleep and once I get there I am having dreams I don't want to have and waking up before it is time. I am beginning to feel run down, exhausted, irritable. Really small and insignificant things have been getting on my nerves because of my inability to control where my unconscious mind wanders... And because of this, I am also struggling with protecting my concious mind from such thoughts.

I pray that as I go to bed tonight that my mind will be free from these distractions--that I would be able rest in God and not have my thoughts wandering elsewhere while I sleep. I pray that I would have the strength to stay away tomorrow and the next day and for as long as it takes. I pray that God will soon begin to reveal his plans in this and that I will be accepting of them. Jesus, please be my strength, my courage, my grace, my love. I know I don't ask nearly enough.

Just a thought...

How sad is it to find typos when flipping through a book of cocktails? This is my life...

A valiant effort

I really did try... But there was no way my little Ford Escargot was getting up that hill. Perhaps I'll try again at ten thirty... Or maybe I'll walk, it's really not that far... But can I trust the cars on the road not to slide into me... Eh, we'll see...

My Christmas card

Despite the fact that I generally don't like the way I look in pictures, I had my roommate take pictures of me with my cat so that I could use one for my Christmas card. Smokey was just like a little kid--he didn't behave the whole time we were trying to take pictures. He kept squirming and getting distracted and looking in every direction but the camera. My roommate then proceeded to joke that she didn't think pet photography was for her. At any rate, here is the end result:

Numb

It was easier to be numb. When I was angry and thought he didn't care, I was numb. I had a protective coating of frost protecting my heart. I had embraced the numbness the way one who'd injured themselves would embrace an ice pack. The anger and indifference was my icepack. But the truth has come out, melting the layer of protective frost, leaving me open to pain once more. I have up until this point learned to go on through the pain, by making it numb, but now it's time to see the good doctor, Jesus, and have it healed. I have gone a month, and I will go on for much longer. I am a much stronger woman than I used to be and I have only God to thank for that. Now it is time for more strength. It would be so easy to give in--to break down and cry--or to try to put things back the way they used to be. But God wants my whole heart, and He can't have it if I've given part of it away. I can wish all I want that this had gone the other way, that my life had become a romantic comedy complete with the happy ever after. Wishing will not change the fact that I'm the only one who wants that ending. My life is not a romantic comedy and it never will be. My life is a testament of God's love and strength. I choose to be joyful despite the pain... I choose to love despite the risks.