Everything stays the same...

Denden requested an update but there's really not much to say. I'm still struggling to let go of something that has been a part of me for five years. The reality of it is that I don't really want to--I just feel like I have to. True, I WANT the pain that it has caused to be gone. I WANT to have joyful life without so much drama, and am trying to be active in choosing that. But when I am alone, it's not as easy as it is when I'm around the people who love me. They help to force it out of my mind, or at least to the back where it's not so prevalent. I'm trying to force it out the rest of the time, when I am alone--But my heart continuously betrays me. In a moment of weakness, I stumble back to the source of it all. I want more than anything to see his face, hear his voice offering me words of comfort, and if I can't have that then at least I have to read what he writes, even though I promised myself I wouldn't. I did so well at it for a month and a half before he forced himself back in. Since then I find myself unable to stay away, even knowing that his words are the cause of my ever growing restlessness. Everytime I stumble and go back to them, I find something that confuses me even more--that gives me even more for my mind to wrestle with as I try to get some sleep. I return over and over again hoping to find something that will give the situation more clarity, but it just keeps getting murkier and murkier. Before I go, I know that I will not find anything that helps me, and yet I am continuously drawn. I need to stop going there. I need to not desire to know what he's doing/feeling. If God has plans for us down the road, so be it... He can take care of how we get there. But in the mean time I need to stop going there and focus my attentions on other things that God has for me. I need God to give me the strength and discipline to do this because it's completely obvious I cannot do it on my own. I want to be as focused as I was in that happy month and a half where I still cared, but I didn't NEED to know. Dear God, please return me to that.