Numb

It was easier to be numb. When I was angry and thought he didn't care, I was numb. I had a protective coating of frost protecting my heart. I had embraced the numbness the way one who'd injured themselves would embrace an ice pack. The anger and indifference was my icepack. But the truth has come out, melting the layer of protective frost, leaving me open to pain once more. I have up until this point learned to go on through the pain, by making it numb, but now it's time to see the good doctor, Jesus, and have it healed. I have gone a month, and I will go on for much longer. I am a much stronger woman than I used to be and I have only God to thank for that. Now it is time for more strength. It would be so easy to give in--to break down and cry--or to try to put things back the way they used to be. But God wants my whole heart, and He can't have it if I've given part of it away. I can wish all I want that this had gone the other way, that my life had become a romantic comedy complete with the happy ever after. Wishing will not change the fact that I'm the only one who wants that ending. My life is not a romantic comedy and it never will be. My life is a testament of God's love and strength. I choose to be joyful despite the pain... I choose to love despite the risks.