New places

I'm almost completely moved, though not yet settled. I guess now it's okay to stop and break down. Life has been exhausting recently, helping BBoss with the bridal shower, packing, moving, working lots of overtime. I am run down, and somewhat let down. Aside from BBoss, my closest friends really contributed nothing to helping me move, even when I asked for help. On the brighter side, I think the move will work out to be a positive thing. I really don't have much to say right now. I'm kind of tired, and still have a lot to do, so I think I'll just call it a night...

Calling all Pickups

I'm just wondering if anyone who reads this has a pickup truck and some time to help me on either Saturday or Sunday afternoon. The person who was going to come over with her pickup has had a change of plans, and now I am in search of replacement pickup. Please reply here if you can help me or if you have any ideas for me, or if you just want to make fun of me. On the more positive side, because of Becky's help yesterday, I now have a large majority of my stuff packed. Except the books... That's going to take at least 20 boxes, but at least they're easy to pack... I can't wait for the move to be done so that I can start getting settled.

Expressing the Stress... What a mess...

Howdy! I'm still here, still alive, still trying to figure out how to pack everything to move by next weekend. Ergh! So, here's how things are looking right now. Today, I worked an 11 hour day with no lunch. What a way to start the week! Don't get me wrong--Normally I am incredibly grateful for overtime. I love to have the extra money to put toward bills and such, but this week is not the best week to have to put in a lot of extra hours. I am moving this weekend. I have only packed four boxes. My clothes from my closet are on the floor because the rod in my closet broke. (WHY?!) I am helping (or at least trying to help) Becky with a bridal shower for a friend of ours. The shower is taking place on Friday, which means I will accomplish NO packing or moving on that day. I suppose all I can do is pray that the rest of the week goes by more smoothly than today, and that I will remember to ask for help at work and at home instead of trying to take care of everything on my own. Becky is going to help me with the packing. I am incredibly grateful for that. If anyone needs me for anything before that, you can find me buried under a mountain of books and clothes, trying to dig myself out, surviving by eating the pages of a Nicolas Sparks book that I was going to throw away or burn anyway. At least a Nicolas Sparks novel is good for something...

Taking Care of Myself (or not)

Over the last week, I have had it brought to my attention by THREE people that I do not take care of myself, nor do I allow myself to be taken care of by others. I already mentioned in a previous post my propensity to keep things to myself, to hide the things that I don't want other people to see. I try to sweep my humanity under the rug. I don't want people to see that I am just as human as they are, and that I have needs and desires just like everyone else. Everywhere else that is not this blog, I keep these things to myself. I aim to convince everyone (including myself) that everything is alright here, and therefore I do not allow anyone to take care of me, nor do I take care of myself. It's almost like I think that if I keep denying that I need help, I will not need help. By ignoring the situations in my life altogether, perhaps they will go away. But they are not going to go away or fix themselves. I can pray all I want for answers, but if I don't follow the guidance when it comes, nothing will change. I know that I can't do everything alone, but I alone can start the movement. I need to take responsibility for asking for help when I need it and for taking the first step in the right direction. Right now it's more like I'm standing in one place, looking at where I need to go and expecting God to beam me there, like I'm a character in Star Trek or something.
"Beam me up, Snotty!"

And now for an important message from:

Okay, so it's probably not really important, but I figured I may as well update, seeing as how I'm requesting others to do the same. So, here's the scoop. Lots of stuff going on. I am supposed to be packing right now, and I feel like I'm accomplishing nothing (Yes, I know, it's very difficult to pack and type at the same time.) I am very excited about the move, though and it seems so close now. Three months ago, I thought I'd never make it. Now I feel like I will never finish packing, seeing how all I've packed so far is two boxes of books.
In other news, my manager at work asked me if I intend to apply for the soon to be open assistant manager of production position. It is both tempting and intimidating. I have been praying for help in the financial department, and should I get the position, it would mean an extra 4,000 dollars a year, which would definitely help pay off those pesky credit cards. But it is a swing shift position. I hate getting up at 5:30 am, but I like having EVERY evening free to do what I wish. But I really write, and function in general, better at night. While I was on vacation, I stayed up until about 2am and woke up at 10 in the morning. That is my ideal sleep schedule. But my family and friends mostly work during the day, so I'd really have to fit them ALL in on my days off. But my days off would be Friday and Saturday, which would be VERY good days off. Ugh, such a dilemma: what to do, what to do. I suppose if I apply for it, if God really doesn't want me there, I won't get it. We'll see.
Today I am going golfing. Please use this thought as a great piece of entertainment value. Need a laugh? Just think about me golfing. And don't forget to have a great day!

My own personal mission

This morning at church, I received a great amount of reassuring, a great encouragement. I am the kind of person who frequently thinks that what I am doing is not good enough. Even if it is the thing I was called to do. People talk about the missions they are going on, the places they're going, the people they're reaching, and I frequently think that I am less because I am not going places to try to reach people. When people talk about the places they are going, I forget that I was called to stay. I really wanted to go, and I got a clear response that I should stay indefinitely. Here's how that happened:
In 2003, I went to Intervarsity's mission conference at Urbana, because even though I was no longer associated with Intervarsity having graduated the previous spring, I was at a prime point in my life. A mission trip would have been ideal to make me feel like I was doing something after I graduated. I was hoping to find an internship, a mission, a project, anything that would prove that I was useful to God's kingdom. I went looking for some way to serve people--I really did want to serve people, but I really also wanted to FEEL like I was doing something, to see the fruit of what I was doing. Throughout the conference, I really didn't find anything that matched my passions, and I had a lingering sense that God wanted me to stay in Reno. Then I talked myself into believing that God wouldn't want that, and that it was just my fear holding me back. I kept telling myself that if I didn't go someplace and serve people in another place, then I couldn't possibly be a good Christian. Then, on the second to last night of the conference, there was a drama performance that made it all clear to me. The basis of the performance was the man in Mark who was possessed by "the legion." When Jesus cast the demons out, the man begged Jesus to let him come with him. Jesus told him no-- He told the man to stay: "Stay, and tell your friends and family what I've done for you." I felt chills. I fell to my knees. And I knew that my personal mission is to stay, and tell my friends and family what He's done for me.
It was good to be reminded that "Go" means just "in everything we do" as opposed to a LITERAL "go." It would be easy for me tell people I don't know about the ways I've changed... It's much harder to stay and show the change to the people who have known me since before Jesus was in my life. My mission may not be the one that I choose, but it is the one I'm called to none the less, and I should be doing it to the best of my ability, even on days when it seems that it is not nearly exciting enough. My opportunities to share with my mother have grown EXPONENTIALLY over the last few years. I still have yet to convince her to return to church, either with me, or to her old church, but there are some days when it seems she might be right on the edge, particularly now, after she just lost her grandmother, who raised her, and last year she lost her mother, whom she'd hardly known at all. She is starting to grow (slowly) more open-minded, more forgiving. I know that there will be a time, perhaps soon, perhaps not as soon as I'd like, when it will be time to go, but for now, I will continue to stay.

Putting off Packing

I'm here, making a post, though I really have nothing to say, because I am trying to avoid packing. I despise packing. I like moving--carrying boxes and furniture (yes, it's sick isn't it) and being in a new place--change is great. But packing... well, that's another story. Packing and I, we just don't get along. I always intend to start early, and as the time draws nearer and nearer, I find myself less and less motivated to pack. I'm supposed to start moving my stuff in a little over two weeks, and I've done nothing, except to get rid of 3 bags of clothes. When there is no pressure, I lack the motivation to get rid of the things I don't want to move--to sort through the mess I've made during this phase of my life--after all, a mess is almost inevitable with me. I've been watching a lot of home improvement television lately (even though I don't have my own home to improve) and I frequently find myself VERY attached to the idea of participating in the show "Clean Sweep." Someone objective helps you go through your things and helps you decide what to keep and what not to. Even if I got nothing else out of it, no new room, no new furniture, it would still be worth it for someone else to look at my stuff and say "WHAT DO YOU NEED ALL OF THIS CRAP FOR?" I need someone who can help me discern what is CRAP that is just weighing me down. So right now, I'm just here, making this post, because it is much easier than trying to figure out what I need to eliminate. Hmmmm... Where to begin...

Fighting against the negative.

Okay, so now that that's over with... Here are some more things that I can be happy for:

1. My replacement pig antenna balls should be coming soon. (My old one was stolen... This time I ordered a back-up) I ordered them last week with the money I made doing an apartment mystery shop.
2. I took a 2 1/2 hour nap today.
3. My mom is making me dinner tomorrow, so I don't have to cook or buy food.
4. Unnamed Writers' Group is meeting again this month, on Saturday.
5. We are having an ice cream social for my sister on Sunday before she leaves for Georgia. I'll get to see my family members that I don't get to see frequently enough.
6. I get paid in an hour and a half.
7. Only one more day to work this week and the person who drives me crazy doesn't work tomorrow.
8. I exchanged three e-mails today with my friend who lives in Iowa, whom I miss and rarely get to talk to.
9. I'm meeting my friends Saturday morning for our bi-weekly payday weekend breakfast.
10. I found some job postings online that actually sounded like something I would enjoy instead of something that would just be an escape... And I applied for them even though I may not be "qualified."

WOW!!! Can you believe I made it to ten? : )

Anti-Progress

Warning: This post is mostly just my mental processing.
I'm sure we all know that feeling. Like we're moving backwards--like every step we take is counteracted by two steps backward. I know that each step I take in obedience, with Jesus at my side, is a positive step, a step in the right direction, but sometimes it's like walking into a hurricane. I have been trying for five years to get my debt under control. I know I have made progress, but some days, looking at that ant hill, it seems to be Mount Everest. I know that God is supposed to be our provider, but my debt just keeps growing, or at least remaining stagnant. I have a really hard time dealing with a provision that leaves us buried in debt. Yes, I was stupid in the past. Yes, I made mistakes, and I deserve to pay for them. But how long will the interest and late fees and overlimit fees go on? Okay, so one credit card will be paid off, and there's still five left. It's good that one's paid off. I was going to pay more to other cards but I got hit by some bogus charge from a website that I signed up for something YEARS ago, and now they charged me for an "auto renew." I am fighting with them to get the charge reverse, but CONVENIENTLY they have no record of me turning off the auto-renew feature.
I know that paying back my debt is not going to happen overnight. I know in my head. My mind has no trouble wrapping itself around this concept. But my heart feels burdened by it. It is something that weighs me down. I am tired of fighting this battle. I just want to sleep.

Okay, sorry all... If anyone has made it through my mental processing, do you know anyone who's hiring part-time? I'm considering picking up a second job to help out with the debt so that it will be gone before it's time for me to go to grad school. It would be a much more productive way to spend my time than sitting at home moping and eating while watching far too many home improvement shows. If anyone knows anybody, let me know... Please...

So long to the old post!

So the post I had been trying to type up and post before this kept posting in an incomplete form. It was very strange, and I cannot explain the reason that it was happening, except that God wanted me to stop being so negative. It was basically about how moody I am sometimes, and the harder I try to NOT be moody, the more moody I am because I find myself failing.
Anyway, since this post is no longer about that, we are officially moving on. I am now making this post about ten five positive things that are happening in my life. (Sorry, I need to start small...)

1. As of Friday, I will have another credit card paid off. It will be a nice chip off of the debt I incurred during my pre-Christian spending binges. Only 5 more to go!
2. I am receiving an $85 check back from another credit card because apparently I overpaid... (Because when I sent the last payment, they knocked off a BUNCH of late charges...)
3. Only 25 more days until I move into my new place. I paid my last rent for the apartment to my brother last week!
4. Blue Like Jazz is a much more entertaining book than God's Politics, while still having topics for us to discuss in our Bible/book study.
5. My friends are so loving and patient, even when I'm cranky/whiny/moody.