Double Standards

I know many of ya'll will probably laugh at me because I do like country music, and that is partially what this post is about. And after I'm done, I'm sure that there will be jokes about the lower intelligence of full time country listeners, and I won't deny that. Good thing I only listen to country part time, and my country season ended last week. I knew it was over when I woke up last Friday and was listening to country and I changed the station because it wasn't loud enough. I knew country season was over when I woke up in a Metallica sort of mood. But I still have a beef with full time country listeners/country devotees/rednecks.
Here's the rant: In 2003, right before the war in Iraq began, the Dixie Chicks made a statement while in concert in England. They stated that they were ashamed that the president of the USA was from their home state of Texas. That was it. That was the statement. After they made that statement, over 1000 country stations across the country BANNED the Dixie Chicks from radio play. To this day, those stations STILL have an informal ban on the Dixie Chicks. A large number of their listeners stopped listening to them.
My problems with this are: 1) What happened to freedom of speech? It seems like we've become more policed, less free, than most of us would be willing to admit. Big Brother IS watching. 2)Toby Keith and his launch of what I like to refer to as "boot in the ass country" because of the lyrics of his "Angry American" song. These songs are BLINDLY patriotic. Don't get me wrong... Generally patriotism has it's good points BUT when it comes to BLIND patriotism, it just demonstrates an inability to think for one's self. The blindly patriotic only know that they stand for America, and they regergitate all statements made by the president. They take the stand that the president is INFALLIBLE because he is, after all, the PRESIDENT. Once again, being supportive of the president, even if you don't always agree, is one thing... Just nodding and smiling and going along with whatever he says, giving the president the authority of GOD, is another thing all together... And that's what the blindly patriotic do.
Basically, it just ENRAGES me that the Dixie Chicks can be boycotted for saying that they are ashamed to be from the same state as our president--not saying that what they said is right or wrong, just that it's their RIGHT--but Toby Keith gets to hang around despite redneck, ignorant statements like "we'll put a boot in their ass, it's the American way." It's okay to make America come across as a bunch of bullies. AGHHHHHHHHH. Even worse, in concert, Toby Keith equated the Dixie Chicks with SADDAM HUSSEIN!!!!! It's one thing to be ignorant and think that America is supposed to be all about REVENGE, but to equate those who disagree with you as equally evil to a terrorist?! If you don't like the Dixie Chicks, just change the station... It's what I have to do every time Toby Keith comes on...
Sorry for the rant. I just really had to get that out after reading the article about the Dixie Chicks in Time Magazine this week. Most of it was old news. What was NEW news to me, was that they even received DEATH THREATS because of what they said. Things like this make me NOT proud to be an American. That's not to say that I don't appreciate it--I do--I am grateful everyday when I think about all of the other places I could have been born. But it makes me said that so often America conveys itself as a bully, as a biggot, rather than as a kind and protective society...

Pretending

I find myself frequently pretending...
Pretending I know things that I do not
Pretending to be happier than I am
Pretending to be comfortable with life
Pretending to be wise and successful
Pretending to be less rude than others
Pretending to be faithful at all times
Pretending not to care when I am forgotten
Pretending this is the life I wanted

In case anybody is wondering, yes I am in a bit of a contemplative mood tonight. I had another dream last night. I would guess it had to do with all the happy couples I had the pleasure of spending time with yesterday. There were people at the party who are not coupled off also, but for some reason, I was having trouble noticing them. At any rate, this morning I saw another happy couple at church that I have not seen for a while, and their presence reminded me of somebody else.
Today I am in a mood where I could have an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind moment. Today I feel like having all memories of someone erased. I want them out of my head. I want to stop having dreams. I want to stop thinking about this person every time I go to certain restaurants, every time I see certain people, every time I hear certain songs. Today, I would rather be numb than feel this way. I do not always feel that way. Some days I would go through all the bad memories again, just to be able to relive the good. Today is not one of those days. Things keep coming up that are making this more and more difficult. People keep saying things that raise even more questions for me. I just want somebody who has not really been involved with this whole mess to come to me and tell me, Jeni, this is the way that things are going to be--This is what God has for you. I know it is not likely to happen, and I will not be sitting around waiting for it. But it would make things so much easier.
I am very confused. If what I feel like God is telling me is actually a reality, and all the things that I thought were confirmations really were, then I feel like I am being unfaithful for asking for more proof as well as something to keep me busy in the mean time. But if it is just made up in my head and not from God at all, then I do not want to be caught sitting around waiting for something that is never going to happen. Ugh. What is a girl to do?

Neighbors, Work & A Question

So this post is going to be a little random and scattered, so I will number my topics just to avoid confusion.

1. My neighbors are driving me insane. They are outside in their back yard yelling at each other. The sound is travelling in my window. I have to be to work at 6 am. They're not fighting, they're just being generally obnoxious teenagers. I really would like to get to sleep soon.

2. The thing at work that I thought was going to happen and I'm still up in the air about whether it is a good thing or not. Mostly I'm nervous. If you don't know what I'm talking about and you would like to, ask me about it at church on Sunday. I can't say too much about it here because I don't know who is reading.

3. My question: Sometime fairly recently in church, there was a verse we talked about that had to do with our hearts being deceitful. I was wondering if anyone could let me know what the verse was... I looked through my notes, but I can't seem to be able to find it. I wanted to send it to my friend Amy . We looked for it briefly, but couldn't find it.

Pretty much, that's all right now. If anyone has any good ideas on how to get my neighbors to shut up, that would be greatly appreciated! :)

Nerdery brought to you by the letter J

My name is Jeni and I'm an Idolholic. Yes, I am refering to American Idol. I started watching it because I wanted to laugh at the people who were auditioning who couldn't sing. It was particularly entertaining with the witty commentary of my roommates. It became the one consistent thing that we do together. Every week, we gather in the living room (or shout from living room to one bedroom) and watch as another wanna-be singer is eliminated. Most of the people I disliked were voted out early. But there is one who has managed to linger. I don't know how or why anyone votes for this contestant, labeled by one roommate as the "Keebler Elf of American Idol." Now tonight, I am feeling completely and totally disillusioned. The only contestant who seemed to have any odds of having commercial success was eliminated. I just don't understand. One contestant, they seem to keep around just because he's quirky. I don't quite understand. He's entertaining to watch, and his style is interesting, but it really doesn't seem to have much of a chance of being popular in the mainstream. But what do I know? I'm certainly not mainstream. I am just a disillusioned soul without an Idol to support. And I do not deny being a complete and total nerd. Feel free to laugh, point, and mock. But please don't be too harsh. Remember, American Idol = Roommate Relations. :)

What I SHOULD have done.

So, the running... It was fun, though the event was not terribly well organized. But this post is not about that. This post is about WHAT I SHOULD HAVE DONE.
In the beginning, back in January, when we first started running, I flat out sucked... There is no other way to put it. The first week, I couldn't run the whole mile we were supposed to do. I blamed it on the cold I had acquired, and moved on. The second week, I didn't have the cold anymore, but I still had to turn back before we were supposed to. I was bad. I was not used to having to push through pain, anymore. I thought I had left that behind in high school. I wanted to cry because I was so far removed from where I had been in high school. I had gone into the whole thinking (yes, very stupid, I know) that I could just jump back in and instantly be in the shape I was in when I was playing soccer year round. I was pushing myself to keep up with everyone else. This was my pride, not wanting to be the slowest person out there, pushing myself too hard to try to keep up, rather than just to finish.
The third week proceeded in the same fashion, and afterwards, I started having some knee problems. I also was having problems with the muscle in the front of my leg. My knees were trying to buckle on me when I was going down the stairs from my bedroom. They hurt when I sneezed, when I laughed, or when I coughed. It was not something I was used to. At the advice of our WONDERFUL small group leader (thanks, Den) I took the week off and when I ran that Sunday, I slowed it down. I made no attempt to even THINK about keeping up with the others. I set myself the new goal of just finishing. By that point, we were at 2 1/4 miles. I hadn't even been able to finish the one mile running 2 minutes and walking 2 minutes. But on this day, once I had thrown away my pride and slowed down, I finished the 2 1/4 miles running 3 minutes and walking 1.
Just finishing that first time did amazing things for my confidence. The following week I finished the 3 miles running 4 walking 1, which was my ultimate goal, and we were only 5 weeks in! (Thanks for your help on that one, Toph!) In the weeks that proceeded, leading up to today, there was only week when I didn't complete the run I had started out to complete, and that was completely my own fault. I drank a couple of glasses of wine the night before. Yes, I know. Dumb to drink the night before running--and I suffered the consequences of that decision.
After that, I took another week off because of the random migraine headaches I had been experiencing. It was frustrating. I felt like I was being attacked (I'm sure I was!) because the migraines had started around the same time as the running, though the two WERE NOT associated. (That whole situation is improving, by the way!) To top it off, I had acquired another cold that week. I was certain on Sunday that I would be wimping out halfway through. But that week I ran 3.8 miles. (I drove my car down there afterwards to see how far I'd gone...) I was so excited that I set an even loftier goal for myself the next week. I wanted to make it to Keystone. 5 miles. I wanted to prove that I could do it. To myself. To my friends. To my family. To God (who knew all along...) I ran that 5 miles 5 minutes running 1 minute walking, and on a couple of occasions ran longer than the 5 minutes. I ended strong, running 9 minutes continuously to finish.
OKAY! Now is where the part about WHAT I SHOULD HAVE DONE comes in. After this, several people encouraged me to change my registration to the 10K rather than the 5K. I was too lazy. I didn't want to go to the trouble of trying to find out how to change my registration. I also wanted to look good. In my head, if I ran the 5K I would look pretty good, not great, but pretty good. My time would be fair, rather than SLOW. It was my pride again. I wanted MYSELF to look good and completely missed what God wanted from me.
I registered for a different 5K, just so I would have one under my belt before I did this big one. Not only was it muddy because of the rain the night before, but the guy directing traffic in the hills sent a group of us the wrong way and we ended up running more like a 7.5K. After this, I had even more nudging from people to change my registration from 5K to 10K. I even started to feel the nudging from God. But I couldn't see the logic in it through my pride, so I stuck with the 5K where I could have a "decent" finish.
Clearly God had other plans for me. Today, come race time, I just wanted to get the 5K over with in 30 minutes or less. At the 30 minute mark, we had just turned around. No turn around had been marked, and we had gone way too far. I was frustrated because I knew I should be finished. I started to wonder if I was just REALLY slow. I gave up for a few minutes and just walked. I was upset that this had happened AGAIN. When I finished and found out where we were supposed to have turned around, I was even more frustrated. I had been between 13 and 14 minutes at that point and I always run the second half faster. I could have done SO well... There was my pride talking again. Stupid pride.
So here's how I feel about the whole thing. I should have taken the effort to register for the 10 K. I almost ran it, anyway. And God kind of gave me the "you're going to run the 10 K whether you like it or not" treatment. And now, despite my pride, the glory all goes to God. I look awful with my 47 minute time for the 5K, which is exactly what I deserve for being prideful, but God is glorified anyway because he took someone who couldn't run a mile three and a half months ago and made me into someone who could have run SIX! IN THREE AND A HALF MONTHS! AMAZING! Thank you, Lord! :)

THANK YOU SO MUCH to all of you who have continuously encouraged me during this time! I love you all so much! Particularly, thanks to Dennis and Sue, who NEVER stopped encouraging me, no matter how poorly I was running! Thanks guys.

Now, the next goal, so that ya'll can keep me accountable to this:
I want to run a half marathon next year. I would like to run in the Country Music Marathon in Nashville and do the half-marathon. It is April 28th of next year, so I literally have almost a year. The trip to Nashville would be sort of a reward for preparing to do a half-marathon. I love Nashville. So, anyway--that is the goal!

If you've read this far, thanks for sticking around. Have an awesome week!