I find myself frequently pretending...
Pretending I know things that I do not
Pretending to be happier than I am
Pretending to be comfortable with life
Pretending to be wise and successful
Pretending to be less rude than others
Pretending to be faithful at all times
Pretending not to care when I am forgotten
Pretending this is the life I wanted
In case anybody is wondering, yes I am in a bit of a contemplative mood tonight. I had another dream last night. I would guess it had to do with all the happy couples I had the pleasure of spending time with yesterday. There were people at the party who are not coupled off also, but for some reason, I was having trouble noticing them. At any rate, this morning I saw another happy couple at church that I have not seen for a while, and their presence reminded me of somebody else.
Today I am in a mood where I could have an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind moment. Today I feel like having all memories of someone erased. I want them out of my head. I want to stop having dreams. I want to stop thinking about this person every time I go to certain restaurants, every time I see certain people, every time I hear certain songs. Today, I would rather be numb than feel this way. I do not always feel that way. Some days I would go through all the bad memories again, just to be able to relive the good. Today is not one of those days. Things keep coming up that are making this more and more difficult. People keep saying things that raise even more questions for me. I just want somebody who has not really been involved with this whole mess to come to me and tell me, Jeni, this is the way that things are going to be--This is what God has for you. I know it is not likely to happen, and I will not be sitting around waiting for it. But it would make things so much easier.
I am very confused. If what I feel like God is telling me is actually a reality, and all the things that I thought were confirmations really were, then I feel like I am being unfaithful for asking for more proof as well as something to keep me busy in the mean time. But if it is just made up in my head and not from God at all, then I do not want to be caught sitting around waiting for something that is never going to happen. Ugh. What is a girl to do?
3 comments:
I once remembered having all my memories removed then I realized that if I remembered it, it must not have really happened. Very confusing. :-)
"I have no recollection of that memory." Bill Clinton
ohhh, jeni i feel your pain. let me tell you a story , in person next time we see each other.
i won't give you the normal response on this topic. i am truly sorry that this matter causes you so much pain. i won't even lecture on it (i know- how amazing). i'll be praying & know that mindy & i are always available to talk. we, as does everyone, have difficult events in our lives that make no sense whatsoever (they hurt). the reason is often unknown, because God is in control & working things we don't understand (His ways are higher)- uh-oh i'm lecturing. you can lean on us anytime through anything.
jay & min
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