The wife I could never be...

I have a fear that has only just been revealed to me. I am afraid to get married. Those of you who know me probably find this quite difficult to believe because you know how much I want a family of my own, but just continue reading and all will become clear. I am 28 years old and most days I feel like an old maid because I'm not married yet. This is because in Christian culture in general girls get married young. Yes, I did intend to use the word girls because at 20 and 21 I really don't think we are truly women yet. This is not intended to be judgmental in any way, it's just the way I see things. I also am not putting myself down. In fact most times, I feel a great amount of relief to be single, though this is intermingled with a desire to hurry up and meet somebody to create a family with. My heart feels a great amount of relief to be single. My brain thinks it would be much nicer to be married. My brain thinks about the advantages of a dual income household (would I finally have a home that's not rented) and how much easier it is to cook for two than it is for one (the actual act is not any easier, but the knowledge that there's someone else to enjoy it makes it more fulfilling) and how it is a necessity before I can have children (watching other peoples' children is both my greatest source of joy and my greatest source of sorrow) and how there would always be someone to talk to about all things, good or bad.

My heart, on the other hand, still cannot ponder the thought of marriage because of my life's experiences. I once thought I knew who I was going to marry. I loved him despite the fact that he had never shown that sort of interest in me. I convinced myself for 5 years that he would eventually come around and I finally had to let that go. If by some miracle he did at any time in the future decide that he wanted me back in his life, sincerely and completely, then I would be willing to consider that and I still would not be afraid, but in general with the rest of the population, I am still afraid. I know that if I met the right person, I would no longer be afraid, but I wonder if the fear is evident. If it's somehow holding me back.

One might wonder why I am so afraid. I am afraid that the odds are against me because of my family's history. Both of my parents were married and divorced once before they met each other. While they have been married for nearly 30 years, it seems that they remain together out of complacency rather than love. They don't communicate when something is wrong. My mother yells while my father just goes along with it to keep her from getting even more angry. My father is capable of communication--I do it with him all the time. But most of the time I don't share anything deep with my mother because I am afraid that she won't take me seriously.
That alone probably makes me damaged good for anyone who tries to take me in. But it is not the only thing that comprises my fear of marriage. There is also the fact that of my five siblings (four are half siblings), four of them have been married and divorced at least once. One of them has lived with AT LEAST twenty men in my remembrances and has four children, each with a different father. These are the role models for relationships I have had. While I have found new, more reliable role models within the church family, I cannot deny that my blood family has had some effect on me. The final reason for my fear of marriage comes from my one full brother. As many of the bloggers know, I was part of his wedding last year. He was married to his high school sweetheart after they'd been together for six years. After they were married his wife became considerable more selfish than she had been before. She has done and said a lot of things that have caused a lot of hurt to our family, whether it is intended or not-- because while my family may not communicate well, we are fiercely loyal. When someone is harming one of ours, we become VERY protective and defensive no matter what his or her flaws may be. She has placed one of her guy friends in a higher position of importance in her life than my brother on several occasions and this is not okay. This is what I fear for myself. I fear that I will end up with someone who doesn't cherish me the way I deserve to be cherished. I fear that I will end up just as lonely married as I have been single. I fear being emotionally abandoned. Perhaps that is ridiculous, but based on my history, it is with good cause.
Then again, perhaps after all the time I have waited and have yet to wait, and because I have seen the kind of wife I could never be and the kind of husband I could not have, perhaps this will be the difference that will matter. Perhaps this will rescue me from the relational chaos that my family history would doom me too if not for God's grace.