Just What I Need

As many of you may have noticed, I slipped back into emo last weekend. I am glad to say that I have returned from the land of Emo where we all sit in the dark and cry, and I will no longer be sitting alone in the dark-- at least until my next weekend excursion to the land of Emo.
So last weekend, I was just brooding and moping and being such a jerk that I even skipped communion at church because I was just too tired of imposing and tired of working so hard to find someone who would take me as part of their group. I was so tired of butting in (though I know I'm always welcomed) where people were already settled in. It is awkward and uncomfortable to constantly be inviting yourself into a group, and while it gives the opportunity for getting to know a lot more people, it sometimes feels like to much like a chore. So since my heart was not right, I missed the opportunity to know a little bit more about someone else, and to celebrate our gift with someone new. Afterwards, I completely melted down. I know-- I really need to stop doing that. :)

Anyway, this weekend I was all set. I was prepared to go back out there and find somebody to share those few minutes with. And this week I had friends come and join me. I was blessed by the friends beside me. Right when I needed for things to feel a little more simple, my friends came in beside me and took away some of that burden. And during those few minute, I found out that one of my friends, whom I haven't spent time with for quite a while, is in a similar place of need to have someone come along side. We had lunch and talked about things that we've experienced spiritually since we last talked and decided that we are going to make a regular thing of this-- intentionally setting aside time to be involved in each other's lives, being available in the times of need when we're not quite sure who to call. This is going to be good. This is just what I need, right when I need it.

I feel that for the last couple of years, but particularly the last year, my faith has been lackluster. It is there, but I've let dust settle and I haven't really taken any time to polish it so that it shines, so that it reflect the true brilliance of Jesus. I've just let it sit getting dull, maybe acknowledging it once or twice a week, but never really taking care of it. I've let it sit on the shelf gathering dust, but it's really time for me to clean off the dust, bust out the polish, and move it back to the place of honor where it belongs. It is not something that I took in once, and now I can stash it away, just to glance at it every once in a while. It should be constantly polished and displayed for all to see.

I'm sorry if my metaphor is a bit wishy-washy, but it makes perfect sense in my head. I can see a very clear picture in my head of this-- it kind of looks like a Faberge egg. I just pray that I can get things back to the way that they should be.

Good night and good luck!

Like He Owns the Place

So I was sitting on the couch, watching Desperate Housewives before bed (yes, go ahead and laugh if you must) and I went to the kitchen to get something. When I returned, my seat on the couch was no longer empty:

My Little Unimportant Rant

If you are a male, you can check out now, because I am now going to be ranting about TV Guide channel's Top 25 sexiest television men of all time.
I am appalled. I was certain that they were going to say that George Clooney was number one. I was not particularly happy about it, but I expected it so it wasn't a big deal. But that was not how it played out at all! No, they gave George Clooney the number 2 spot. And number one? Can you guess? TOM SELLECK???? WHAT??? And Johnny Depp is number 5? And the rest of the stars I would consider hot are not even on the list? WHAT?
So here are some people who were excluded who would be on MY list of the top 25 sexiest tv men of all time. I know that some of these are by no means the norm, but some I really am shocked that they were excluded. Keep in mind that some of these people are being included based on how they looked quite a long time ago when they actually were on television:

* Hugh Laurie (yes, I'm sure this one makes me mental, but that's okay)
* Christopher Meloni
* Pierce Brosnan
* Naveen Andrews (Come on, people, he's sexier than Josh Holloway and Matthew Fox combined and they were both on the list!)

These are just a few, and if I had more time, I could probably create an entirely new list of my own, but I suppose I will spare you all..

The things I don't say.

It's been quite a week. A lot of waiting for nothing. And a lot more social activity than I'm accustomed to, which has been FABULOUS. I have actually had to start using my planner. I used to be able to just remember everything I had to do, mostly because I either had nothing to do, or I only had things that happened at the same time every week... So this is what it's like to have a life.

Anyway, tonight I went to dinner with my friend Christina and we talked about a lot of nothing, and I actually shared with her some of the things I've had going on. Things I'm not ready to blog about, but things that I needed to talk to someone about. It was really good because I haven't talked to ANYONE about these things. So it was a good evening. Now I am watching Juno which is FABULOUS.

And tomorrow is going to be great. Bully's after work with some work friends. Then in the evening I am going to see Smart People with my friend Mary, which may lead to some more real conversations. I can hope.

Saturday will be a day of fun with another co-worker. We are going to the Wine Walk for her birthday, which should be a blast. Hopefully it's less crowded this time since it's not spring break.

The rest of the weekends activities are yet unplanned. I am hoping to make a trip to Windy Hill for some sunset photos with my new camera, but we shall see.

Anyway, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Ummmm... OOOPS!

Check this out, it's pretty flippin' funny!

Redneck Candid Camera

That's the show that I felt like I was on today when I went to dinner with my parents. So we are sitting at our table at a casino restaurant that shall remain nameless, and this man in an electric wheelchair comes in with two other men, both of whom were wearing beat up jeans and wife-beaters. The man was also accompanied by a dog. Now your first thought would be, "hmmm, guy in wheelchair, must be a service dog." But what you need to know about this dog is that it was a fat, black pug. Okay, so maybe the pug is his service dog... Whatever.

As the men proceed to settle in to their booth with the man in the wheelchair at the end of the table, the dog joins the other two men in the booth seat. WHAT? Service dogs don't sit on the booth seats at restaurants. All the while, people in the restaurant kept looking over at the dog, but nobody said anything. Their waitress acted like it was perfectly normal to have pudgy pug sitting at the table.

As the meal progressed, we watched all of the men playfully petting the pug, and the pug bouncing around on the booth seat. Exactly the type of behavior you would expect from someone's pet, and not from a service dog. Still everyone in the restaurant is looking over at this scene, and I can't look away because they are seated directly across from me.

Now you might think that this is the end, but unfortunately it is not. After the men were done eating they requested a takeout box, which they proceeded to put their leftovers in and place on the floor. Then they let the dog loose. They set him on the floor to eat the scraps from the takeout box, which the dog promptly devoured before wandering across the aisle in the restaurant, probably in search of more scraps. When the dog returned, the men dropped a few more French fries on the floor, which apparently appeased the dog because he/she did not wander off again.

It honestly would not have surprised me for some secret camera man to jump out from behind a tree, because the whole scene was just too hard to believe. I guess it really is true when people say that truth is stranger than fiction!

Jeni's First Digital Camera

Yes, it is sad, I know. I have been putting off buying a digital camera until I could afford the best. I still can't afford the best, but I got a really good deal on a decent camera, so I sucked it up and made the purchase. I have moved out of the obsolete world of film and here is the best take of ten at my first picture to post:

Perhaps I should take up swimming...

I'm here. I'm blogging about nothing because I really have nothing to say. I am feeling happier right now, I have switched from country music (which tends to be depression type music) to loud, obnoxious head-banging type music. This change is a seasonal thing, as well as a somewhat emotional thing. Every year in the spring, I wake up one morning and I feel like listening to something loud. That's usually the time I start to feel more confident, outgoing, and social. This is the time of year when maintaining relationships with other people stops feeling like such hard work. So I am looking forward to this season.
It's a good time for me to be more willing to reach out to others, because physically I am feeling quite discouraged right now. I feel better in general than I have in years now that much of that extra weight on top is out of the way. But after my surgery, during the period of inactivity associated with recovery, I gained more weight than I would have liked. And at the time it didn't bother me that much because I figured that as soon as I started to get active again, that would go away. But the time came to begin again, and that hasn't been working out so well. I'm kind of stuck right now. I'm doing what I can, trying to push through and I feel like I'm not getting anywhere. I am considering taking up swimming--and I'm really not a very good swimmer. Oh well. I suppose it is better to be living "fat and happy" than skinny and unhappy. He he he he he...

Well, that's the evening report. Thanks for joining us today for this mindless rambling that I call an update.

Response to a comment

I will go ahead and say it, this post is kind of in response to a comment diga made on my post about feeling pretty. I'm not even sure that I should post this because I don't want it to be misinterpreted, but I'll go ahead and see what happens and if people take it the wrong way, I'll take it down.

For anyone who didn't catch it, my HEAD (the part of me that reads and interprets blog comments) is fully aware that spouse, kids etc will not make me a happier person. My HEAD having this knowledge, does not make my heart stop longing for those things. I do desire to find that person who loves me enough to commit to a relationship with me. I do desire to have children someday. And I am aware that I don't NEED those things to be happy, hence the reason for reading the book again. The problem is that I find myself longing for and lacking something that I DO need, that we all need, and somehow I figure that if I were married I would have that one thing.

We always put an emphasis on how important community and personal relationships are to our faith and our spiritual growth. The way I see it, while I am aware that marriage will not make me a happier person in general, it could give me the opportunity to grow and develop as a person rather than remaining stagnant as I have been. All of the married people out there say that it's not greener on the other side, but most of the married people I know at least have ONE person that they can sit with and pray with when they need it in their spouse. They have that one person they can depend on to listen to them when they have something on their minds. That's not to say that a single person CAN'T have that, but right now I don't. So perhaps all of the desire to meet someone isn't so much about getting married and have kids. Perhaps it's more about knowing that if and when something bad happens that I will have someone to call at two o'clock in the morning to talk and to pray with. My closest friend for the last five years and the first person I thought to call whenever I needed something is not here right now, she is across the world, and I have not been doing a very good job of keeping her up to date with my life, nor have I done a very good job of keeping up on hers. A 16 hour time difference makes a close involvement in one's life quite difficult. And so I have been treating my blog as my best friend. I know that a blog can never be a replacement for personal relationships, but it's what I have right now.
I have been trying to stretch myself out of my comfort zone by getting involved in other people's lives so that I can develop those sorts of relationships and friendships but I know it will take time. As of right now, I still feel like an outsider watching everybody else have the close personal relationships, and every once in a while I get a day pass and I'm invited in, but the rest of the time I'm left on the outside watching and waiting. It's not just so I have someone to talk to and pray with, either. I want people to feel like they can talk to me and ask me to pray with them, to call me at two o'clock in the morning. And I will be ready when that relationship comes-- not just a romantic relationship, but a meaningful friendship-- one that truly intersects my life as I intersect theirs. I will be right here, open to whatever God blesses me with.

Oh, Blast it all...

What is the matter with me?

I love you. I hate you. I miss you. I wish I could forget you.

That is all.