Finding Fitness and Learning to Rest - A Journey

I have been working very hard over the last few years to get healthy, and it's just within the last year that things have really fallen into place. If you haven't really kept up with me during this time here's what I've been up to. You may or may not know that in 2010 I did a 60 day challenge of Bikram Yoga. 60 classes in 60 days. That was the first time I really put myself first in anything. I used to try to work out, but it would always be whenever I found time, which wasn't very often. It helped me to lose my first 27 pounds, but then I got stuck and wouldn't budge, so I decided it was time to try making a commitment to myself and actually keeping it. While I would never flake on a commitment to someone else, I had no problem flaking on my commitments to myself. So I made this decision, this commitment to do this 60 day challenge of yoga, and finishing it really did change my mindset - it showed me that I could honor a commitment to myself, that I was worth it.
Despite the sweat that I shed during that challenge, I didn't lose a single pound. I was still stuck. And things only got worse. The day after I finished my challenge was the day that my mom went into the hospital and passed away a month later. After that, I gained about 5 pounds in two weeks. But my dad had decided that he wanted to get healthy also, so we joined a gym and got a trainer. Over the first couple of months we did that, my dad last about 20 pounds, but I was STILL stuck. I started working toward running my first 10K, and I ran the Turkey Trot that year. And I was STILL stuck. Then the holidays came, which really didn't help matters. My dad and I were still going to the gym six days a week and guess what? I was STILL stuck.
And then the new year came, and right after that, our trip to Hawaii to scatter some of my mom's ashes. After the trip, I felt like I had nothing to look forward to, and I stopped working quite as hard because it wasn't making a bit of difference. I had been working hard for over a year - harder than I had been when I lost the first 27 pounds - and I didn't see the point of working that hard and getting nothing. And so I started slacking off. I still went to the gym with my dad three or four days a week, but I was just eating whatever was convenient which was not usually very healthy.
I gained back 10 pounds over the next couple of months and found myself back up over the number that I had never wanted to see again. I decided that I needed to do a boot camp of some sort. I would commit to that boot camp, and hopefully I would get back on track, and even more, hopefully I would get past the point where I'd been stuck before.
Enter CrossFit. I had been searching for boot camps, had pretty much decided on one and was just waiting until I had the money for it, and then one day there was a Groupon for a CrossFit "boot camp". I had no idea what CrossFit was at the time, but it had the words "boot camp" and with the Groupon, it seemed like it was going to be a good deal. So I bought it - the first step in renewing my commitment to getting healthy.
When I started, I was kind of middle of the pack in my boot camp class, which was really just a two week introduction to the movements that were common in CrossFit. I intended to do the four weeks covered by the Groupon and be done with it, but after a month, I had lost a little bit of weight and wanted to give it more time, so I made a one year commitment (gulp) and plunged in. After the 4 week period was over, most of the Groupon-ers who had started with me decided not to continue and I found myself surrounded by people who were far more fit than me. And I am extremely competitive. My first goal was to always finish, and my second was to try not to finish last. I always finished, but many times I finished last. It was humbling because I knew if I was in the shape I had once been in, this would not be the case. But I kept going and even when I was FAAARRR behind everyone else, I finished, and often I cried because I was ashamed of what I'd let myself become.
Around the same time I joined Weight Watchers because I got a discount through work and I have always functioned better when I'm being held accountable. And having to get weighed once a week definitely held me accountable. So with the combination of CrossFit and Weight Watchers, I was able to get past the point where I had been stuck before. The first week below that number, I shrugged it off, considered it a fluke, but after going down two more weeks I started to believe that I could actually be un-stuck. During the process I set small goals for myself. My first goal was to get to a size twelve pants by my birthday so that I could buy a pair of jeans from Express since that's where I used to buy my jeans when I started college. After that I bought size 10 goal jeans from the Goodwill Store. Then size 8 goal jeans. All the while, the ultimate goal was to fit in my high school senior prom dress again so that I can wear it on one of the formal nights on the cruise my dad and I are going on in May.
As of right now, I have lost 50 pounds since last May, 67 pounds over all, and my size 8 goal jeans all fit. I have a couple pairs of size six jeans that fit. And the dress, well, it still doesn't fit, but I haven't given up. I may not get there, but I won't be too upset because I haven't been in single digit sizes since high school, so regardless of whether I can wear that dress, I still feel fabulous.
My journey is not complete yet. I haven't reached my goal, yet, but I believe that I will. But I also need to learn that it's okay to rest. In fact it's actually important to rest. My mind still seems to believe that a day of rest will ruin everything. That if I take one day off, I will suddenly be back to my old self overnight. My mind still believes that I am big. I sometimes look at my jeans and think that they are way to small for me. When I got rid of my size 14 and 16 jeans, I had to try on every pair because when I looked at them, I thought that they should still fit. I need to remind myself that one day is not going to ruin everything. One day of resting, one day of splurging, whatever it may be. One day is okay as long as it doesn't turn into two, or three or thirty. So I'm continuing on my journey, enjoying every minute of getting fit, and trying to be patient with myself, trying to be kind to my body.