Wish You Were Here

Things have been kind of an emotional roller coaster. I've been worrying about some people who are close to me because of things that they are going through, while at the same time, things seem to be on the up-swing in my own life. I am moving in a little over a week to a bigger and nicer apartment. Good things are happening in other areas of life as well. I am excited, and yet extremely emotional. I've never moved without my mom's help, and I feel disoriented about the whole experience. I know that I'm an adult and shouldn't need my mom's help to move, but to be honest, my whole life is changing in every aspect all at the same time and it seems wrong that I cannot share these changes with her. I won't have her expertise in packing glass items to make sure that nothing gets broken in the move. She won't be there with boat loads of food trying to feed anyone and everyone who shows up to help. She won't be there giving directions and shouting at the men to be careful not to break something. At the same time, I want so badly to tell her about the exciting things that are happening in my dating life. Things are going well, and I'm really happy. I don't know where things are going for sure, but what I do know, is that for once I have hope.
When she passed away, for almost a year, I struggled to let go of the feeling that I had let her down because she didn't get to see me get married, that I wasn't able to make her a grandmother which is something that she wanted more than anything else. I felt like I was a disappointment because I couldn't even give her a glimmer of hope that these things might actually happen some day. I made myself sick because I had convinced myself that because I refused to settle, because I was not willing to pretend to be someone that I'm not, that it was my fault that I was still alone and that despite all of my accomplishments, I was still a disappointment to my mother because I had failed to make her a grandmother. I know it is not true. I know that these were lies from the enemy trying to get me to pull away from people and isolate myself. But I still desperately want to be able to share my current happiness with her. I want her to be able to meet the first person who has made me feel like I'm important while also making me feel like I'm not settling. So it's bitter sweet. So I'm getting emotional a lot despite the fact that I actually am happy.
Today it was a little thing that pushed me over the edge. At work, we were talking about getting Easter baskets and I said that I didn't get an Easter basket - but that I used to get one every year. In later years the Easter basket came with a package of Ferrer Rocher chocolates and a Starbucks gift card, plus some Easter kitty treats for my cat. Now, not only do I have to buy my own chocolates, but my cat no longer gets spoiled either. We're both missing out without my mom around. So when we were talking about Easter baskets, I got emotional and cried at work for the second time today (please note, I do note advocate crying at work -but sometimes it just happens) - not because I really miss getting an Easter basket, but because I miss having someone think about me the way my mom thought about me - and everyone else.
I know it's been almost two years, but as everything is changing I find myself terrified at facing this new world that my life is becoming without her guidance and advice. And sometimes I just need her to hold me while I cry.