It recently dawned on me that my life has been a bit unstable, constantly changing without settling for the last 7 years since my mom passed away. The first couple of years without her were a journey of discovery - recreating myself as an individual, or perhaps I should say God recreating me into a new and stronger version of myself. That fall I ran my first 10K as part of the process. In 2011, I started Weight Watchers and CrossFit and by 2012 I had lost 50 pounds and was in the best shape of my life. I was building credit to try to buy a condo and for the first time in my life I was fully content exactly where I was.
Of course that meant everything had to change. Just as I was growing comfortable living as a strong and single woman, I found myself in my first serious relationship in 13 years. After just a few months together, I was taking a trip with his family, and as you probably already know, we got married a little over a year after that.
As much as life changed in my last three years of singlehood, it was nothing compared to the first three and a half years of married life to this point. Once we started our marriage journey, we made no effort to prevent pregnancy because I had been told that due to my P.C.O.S. it would be very difficult for me to get pregnant. With that in mind, we didn't want to delay that possibility so we left it in God's hands to bless us with a child if and when he decided it was time. Imagine my shock, amazement and excitement when I discovered I was pregnant just four months after we got married. In order to save for baby expenses, I gave up CrossFit. I still kick myself every day for that decision, but what is done is done. And in spite of that choice we are still incredibly blessed.
One week after our first anniversary, we got to meet our beautiful daughter for the first time. The first few months of her life were surreal. I had barely adapted to being married and living with my husband, let alone being a mother. On top of that, learning to be a mother without MY mother was a a different kind of challenge. After the first few weeks, Linnea struggled at every feeding. I ended up leaving work to care for her because we knew that no daycare was going to spend an hour feeding her every time she needed a bottle. I was blessed to have been able to do that when I neede to, but it was also one of the most difficult changes. I had always been so independent and this left me completely financially dependent on my husband which was a hard pill to swallow.
Over time I grew to love my role staying home with Linnea and taking care of the home. I grew more comfortable taking her grocery shopping and getting things done while she played in her play yard. And just as I started to grow comfortable in that role, God opened the door for yet another change. We visited a friend in Idaho and through that visit, we found ourselves being led to move away from everything we'd ever known to a place where we knew just one family. Linnea was just about to turn one when we moved away from the city where Josh and I were both born and raised.
Thinking back, that is a TON of change in five years time. And it doesn't stop there.
In October of 2015, as we settled into our new home, it was time for me to return to work. Linnea was thriving so much better on whole milk and solid foods. So when she was 14 months old, she went to daycare for the first time. Honestly, she loved it from the start. As for me? Not so much. It was terrifying getting used to somebody else caring for my child all day. I know that it's a common experience- still a big change for me.
Since then, most of the changes have been more subtle and gradual, but also more scary. Being in a new place, we have struggled to make connections and build friendships. One of the hardest parts about this is that I desperately want Linnea to have some friends we can have play dates with. The absolute hardest part is that in this season of isolation, when I need God desperately, I struggle to find him. I know that he is there and has been faithful - my husband and daughter are proof of that - but when it comes to the day to day ordinary things, I sometimes feel like he's missing.
The most recent change, or perhaps I should say challenge, was my foot surgery. It was such a huge contrast from the first surgery I ever had ten years earlier. For that one, my mom was by my side. I stayed with my parents and they took care of me while I healed. I had friends visit me in the hospital right after and at my parents house later. I spent two weeks relaxing and healing and went back to work feeling refreshed. But this time was much different.
I went through the process at work to be approved to work at home in preparation for my surgery because I knew it would be difficult getting around. I planned on being able to work from home when the doctor released me after my first two weeks of recovery. Those two weeks were a blur filled with hours on the couch serving as a human jungle gym for a toddler. When it was time to go back to work, my equipment for working at home had not arrived and so I had to roll my happy butt into the office on my knee scooter. (BTW - the equipment STILL hasn't come.). In spite of all of that, Josh has been a champion taking care of me by himself while I heal.
After my foot is done healing, I'm ready for the earth to stop moving for a little while. I am ready to settle in and enjoy this beautiful family that God has created. I'm ready to rest in his peace - until he decides to shake things up again!
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