If you didn't already know, life has been a bit rough lately. I feel as though Josh and I have been in a bit of a wilderness season since we moved to Idaho. We moved here without really knowing anybody but we felt that God had been clear in his guidance when we moved here. We were excited and full of faith about what he might have for us here. But our excitement quickly faded as we struggled to find a church home where we could build a spiritual family. We still loved our new home but we struggled with feelings of isolation and loneliness as we drifted in and out of church each week with no personal relationships to help us through the weeks.
I cannot speak for Josh, but for me, the more isolated and alone I felt, the further I felt from God and the less time I gave him. Finally, last fall it seemed like things might begin improving. I was attending a mom's group on Wednesday night while Josh served with the youth. I was hoping to FINALLY make some connections that would extend beyond those four walls. I was enjoying the time on Wednesdays discussing life with other moms from a variety of home situations.
And then I made a mistake. I was asked to help with the infant/toddler room on Wednesday nights and I reluctantly agreed. I justified it thinking that I could build relationship with whomever I would be serving with, but I never felt good about the choice. Some part of me knew that I only said yes because I was afraid that saying no would cause the person asking to not like me. Wow. I thought I had grown past that? Hadn't I already learned to say no once before? But the conditions had been ripe for it - I had found myself in a position once again where I desperately wanted people's approval.
I didn't realize how much my mistake had cost me until about a month ago when I had to have surgery to repair the tendon in my foot. I realized that I didn't have anybody here that I felt comfortable asking for prayer. I still had my Reno friends and friends all over the country that I'm connected to on Facebook, but not one friend here that I could ask for some face to face prayer time before I went under the knife. I didn't even feel comfortable asking the moms' group since I hadn't been there for months. Even worse, because I had sacrificed my chance to build relationships, I didn't know anybody to ask for help when I needed it in the time that Josh was gone after my surgery.
The last month has been a struggle, but God has been faithful even as I have struggled to call on him or trust him because I have felt so let down. I had almost given up on trying to connect with people but God reminds me daily that he never gave up on me, so I have no place to give up on anyone. I have picked myself back up and though I am weak and wounded (both physically and spiritually) I am ready to start again. I have been back to the mom's group for two weeks. I also attended a women's conference this weekend (more on this tomorrow).
So here I am, dusting myself off, trying to find my way back to the woman God created me to be. I am reclaiming my faith, I am reclaiming my friendships and I am reclaiming this blog.
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